DON’T JUDGE ME! (Part 2)

Note: Anxiety is a good feeling but don’t get yourself lost in it. Too often it takes one’s eye off the goal and puts all good things on hold.

…Peter meant the world to me. One day he dropped a letter in my school locker, saying we should meet after school hours that we need to talk, I was confused and I prayed in my heart that all was well. I could no longer pay attention in class, I just wanted the school to be over, I became very anxious.

We had a meeting spot, so I got there immediately the closing bell rang. Fifteen (15) minutes later, he arrived and he apologized for coming late. He told me he was going to walk me home, a bit hesitant though, so I demanded to know what’s going on. He held my hands gently, locked my eyes in gaze then leaned in and kissed me. I can’t deny the fact that I enjoyed the kiss though something in me, told me it was not right but I was lost in the moment. He reached to unbutton my shirt, when we heard footsteps and we had to pretend as if we were reading.

Note: Love, lust and infatuation are all passion filled, most times it is difficult to draw a line. Little wonder, it is said that if you are not ready for the sexual side of relationship, you have no business being alone with someone you are in love with.

Behold, the Calvary was our mathematics teacher, Mr. Davies, he asked us what we were still doing around and we told him we were reading. He was surprised though, as our meeting spot was neither a classroom nor library, it was obvious that whatever was going on, wasn’t reading. With doubt written all over his face, he asked us to pack up and go home immediately, then he left. I picked up my bag and I told Peter I was going but he held my hand back. He looked sad, then he began, “I am sorry that I did that, it was because I love you and you are irresistible”. I told him I love him too but what just happened made me feel so low. In truth, I felt so cheap, I wished I had the right words to explain it but I was just not myself, I felt I deserved more.

By the time I got to school the next day, I met another letter in my locker from Peter, telling me how sorry he was and that he was not going to rush me again. He said he was willing to wait till whenever I was ready. I replied the letter telling him I wasn’t angry, just a little confused. Our love grew strong and everything was fine until his mum withdrew him from our school. She claimed he was not serious and he was taken to a boarding school. We couldn’t really communicate like before, afterwards but we always stayed in touch.

I was at home studying on a Friday evening when I got a text message, it was Peter telling me he was around and that he wanted us to see before he went back to school. I was so excited, I called him back almost immediately and we fixed Saturday afternoon. I lied to my parents that I was going to my best friend’s place to study. I eagerly left for Peter’s house. He was the only one at home and I sat beside him in their sitting room. We talked for a while playing catch up when he leaned in and he kissed me.

Note: Don’t sell yourself cheap because with all the money in the world you might not be able to buy yourself back.

In a moment of adrenaline rush, i slapped him and told him never to try that again. Only for me to start feeling guilty a moment later, so I went on my knees and apologized. Then came his outburst, I have never seen that side of him before, he shouted at me, he told me he was only managing me in the first place. He said he had better girls who are more beautiful and are willing to go all the way. That day I felt so stupid, betrayed and used. I left his house went straight to my room and I did what I know how to do best, “wet my pillow”

It was two years after Peter left me, I had dated two other guys in that space, which did not last. I was already in the university studying Microbiology. After my secondary school, my father married another wife and he started maltreating us. He stopped paying our fees, my mother had to take full responsibilities. This made me hate my dad and I transferred the hatred to every other guy I met outside, I just hated men and hated marriage. I felt every guy wanted to hurt me.

Note: You can’t judge everyone with the sins of few neither can you live your life in fear because of what you have been through. Every second is a chance to make the choice for a fresh start.

In my third year in the university I went home for first semester break and that was when I met Josh. Josh and I attended the same secondary school but we weren’t friends then. It all started when I got his friend request on Facebook. We started chatting, before I knew it I was already addicted to chatting with him, soon I longed to hear his voice. I was in love with him. I told him all about my past relationships, I also told him all about my parents and he promised me he would always be there for me. It was like a dream come true, I felt loved again.

Josh plays saxophone, so he was always going for shows. My girl friends used to tease me, they told me, “they were jealous and wished they were in my shoes”. I remember telling them “I’m a very lucky girl”. Six months in the relationship, I went home for mid-semester break and I decided to surprise Josh with a visit, you won’t believe what happened.