DON’T JUDGE ME (Part 3)

Note: Not all bad things happen to destroy us, most bad things happen to build us, to put life in clearer perspective and often to let us know, who lies behind the veil of friendship.

I was eager to see Josh, It is being a while, so I long for his touch, his face, like a deprived child in search of love, I couldn’t wait, I was even hoping to surprise him with more than my visit. On getting to his house, I knocked the door but no answer, it was a Saturday, I was so sure he wasn’t going to school and from our last discussion, he didn’t have any party that weekend. I decided to try the door to see if it was not locked, to my surprise it opened, so I let myself in. There was nobody in the sitting room, but then this awkward sound and seemingly whispering coming from Josh’s room. I became curious, a part of me wanted to go back but my curiosity got the best of me. My eyes could not believe what it saw, Josh was with another lady, in a position my innocent words can’t describe. I dashed out, like a man on a hunt, straight home to wet my pillow as usual.

Over the course of the Week, he called, sent text, sent friends but I wasn’t ready for any explanation. It was clear to me it was over. I was broken, I was hurt, honestly I loved Josh. Lot’s of questions where left unanswered like; what was I getting wrong? Was there something about me that needed to fixed? Was it the laws of attraction bring a good girl like me to bad boys? Was God punishing me for something I did in the past? Or Was I just unlucky in love? I was tired of flings, I wanted something real, I wanted something that would last forever, I wanted sincerity; a man who genuinely cares about me, who will treat me like I was the only woman in the world. “Someone to respect and cherish me, that isn’t asking for too much”, I concluded.

All my colleagues were either engaged or in a serious relationship, this kept the pressure on me. It was my final year in the university and I was so desperate to have a man. Lately, the phone calls I’ve been receiving have been “guess what? He just proposed”, when will I make such a phone call? This became my daily routine of thoughts, I became withdrawn and a shadow of my usual self.

Note: Don’t run your life based on another man’s schedule, you either end up doing too much or doing too small.

One evening after class my phone rang and it was Tomi. Tomi has been my good friend since my sophomore year, we were so close and I had a serious crush on him. However, he friend zoned me, so nothing really happened. Our friendship reduced drastically in my third year because he found out some truths about me, which left him disappointed. I apologized but he wouldn’t let it go, so I let him be.

I was surprised when he called to check up on me. He said he had missed me and asked if he could see me. I was eager to see him too, so I cleared my schedule and fixed a time to see him. When we finally met, He apologized for walking out on me and abandoning our friendship, I also apologized for not being totally straight with him. I couldn’t explain what happened with the look on Tomi’s face but I knew I was up for trouble, he held my hands and looked straight into my eyes before I knew it we started kissing. (I am a bit sensitive, that kind of girl that the faintest of pecks drives her passion.) I knew Tomi wanted a perfect lady, so I wasn’t sure if the kiss was to test my looseness or just his passion running on overdrive, my thought ran riot. He broke the kiss apologized and left.

Note: If you find it too hard to control your emotions, you might find it even harder to control your relationship with others. Anger, passion, joy, worry, excitements are part of emotions that determine how we are able to co-exist with others.

It has been three days, since the kiss incident and I’ve not heard anything from Tomi. In my heart, I told myself I had blown it again; I failed a simple test. On the fourth day, to my surprise, Tomi called. He asked if I could come to his house and like a lamb being led to slaughter, I didn’t object. On getting to his house he apologized for kissing me, he said it was a mistake but I told him it was okay. He said he wanted us to be back to being friends and nothing more. I agreed, at least that is better than losing him all together.

Few days after, I went to his house. After exhausting all the available gist, we decided to play games. We started with question games, then guessing games, finally we decided to play the truth or dare game. He then dared me to kiss him, I laughed about it (trying to figure out if he meant it) but he was serious. “Well it is just a game” he said, so I did. This time it lasted longer and I really felt all the tingling sensations. There were couple of more sexual daring requests and I obliged all. When it was getting late, I left his house but I could not stop thinking about the kiss and other stuffs we did. I knew I was definitely in love with him and I secretly prayed the feeling was mutual.

I became restless, I wanted to know what I was going into. Was it all games to him or he was just shy to come out clean. We were in our final year and dating was no longer a taboo. One day, I summoned the courage to ask him, Tomi, “what do you really want from me?”. My palms were all sweaty, my eyes were damp, I was really scared of what his response might be. He smiled, as if to tell me, “I understand how you feel”. He then spoke softly but with all sense of seriousness , “you know I like you but I can’t date you”, that sent shivers down my spine. “It is not that you are not beautiful but I just can’t see you as a girlfriend. Maybe friends with benefits, satisfying each other’s sexual curiosity but then, I can’t even see myself having sex with you”, he concluded.

Note: Giving a man your body doesn’t make him indebted to you. Sex is 95% passion to a lady but 95% fun to a man. Sex is never a yardstick to measure love.

This was the final nail on the coffin, I am willing to give my body and it is all being thrown in my face. Tears rolled down my face, I stood up, told him as gentle as I can, that I was not interested in such a friendship and I walked away. I felt used, in the name of games, I felt betrayed in the name of friendship, I wondered how he had been seeing me all these while; a toy, a play thing, a fool who kisses men before they ask her out, in fact maybe a loose girl that kisses every man… I felt empty and was really ashamed of myself.

So I decided to change my approach, if I wanted a man who would care, be God fearing and not sex driven, I would have to look elsewhere, like somewhere more sacred. So it occurred to me that kind of man would definitely be in the Church. So I became more receptive in to brothers, I waited for all meetings; single’s meeting, prayer meetings, business meetings, house fellowship meetings, name it and you will find me there. I started giving all the church brothers asking me out hope because I was tired of romance, I wanted something different. Then it happened, the ushering unit president asked me out, apparently the Lord laid it in his heart to approach me, his name is Charles and I didn’t even think about it, I just said Yes. Charles was so loving, spiritual, caring and I enjoyed all the attention he gave me.

Note: Ladies, don’t ever make relationships your source of happiness, God didn’t just make you a wife alone! Get a life, it’s not all about having a boyfriend.