Category: Relationship

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE RANT 101

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE RANT 101

Ladies, we all envision marriage to be a bed of roses with little or no thorns at all. We want a marriage where no one raises his or her voice just to be heard and all the other sweet fantasies. I get it, we do not like anything that could scare us but its no news that marriage is never that way. There will be some disagreements and raising of voices sometimes for stands to be taken. I understand all that but should domestic violence become the new black of marriages? No matter the shade it comes in, it should never be the new black.

Choosing your spouse is the only key choice we get the chance to do by ourselves. We don’t get to choose our parents, siblings, children and if you are or were like me you don’t get to choose the schools you attend. But marriage? That’s a totally different ball game all together. That’s the only decision you make and people around you can only but wish you well in your choosing cause it’s for life, baby!

You do not go around choosing that one special person on the ground that he is dark, tall and handsome or because he is a giver. I’m sure you know what I’m saying. Our new daddy has got to be a reflection of who you want your sons to be and who you want your daughters to end up with. The physical and material are important but thoseunseen traits are more essential to take note of.

No man is going to change when he gets into marriage. Once a boy in his bachelorhood, forever a boy. Don’t expect him to grow up to being a man. It is the responsibility of any reasonable adult to provide, and Tom, Dick and Harry can do that. It only takes a boy to do certain things to his woman. Call your woman certain names and to even take it further to her family, (gosh you have got some really rotten balls there), attempting to raise your hands to land on her body (Mr man please what do you think you are?), eventually getting the impetus to hit her, seeing to it that you can go to bed peacefully when she is out in the cold when you can do something better (I’m not asking you to be her Jack and freeze off in the sea but be compassionate).

Ladies listen carefully, he is nice does not mean he is compassionate. Which man won’t want to be nice to the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with? A man only changes for himself before considering others. I know he would say he realized that he was hurting you and chose to change, the truth is that actually he realized that to get further he needed to adjust himself.

Stop finding expression for his actions. Call a spade a spade. He damn hit/insulted/disrespected you. He meant to. He never hit you mistakenly. You getting him angry is not enough reason to lift his hands on you (if that’s how it is then he should be hitting police officer or military man because they angered him). That’s cowardice! You can frown at that statement men. (I’m in my father’s house, come and beat me).

The fact that your mouth is like that of a spoiled tap that cant stop running, does not give him the right to be inhumane to you. Yes, I agree that we ladies can drive a man nut with just talking, especially if it comes to the point where we have repeatedly pointed something out but no response. Does that make it sane to hit me or talk ill about me or my loved ones? He ain’t gonna change so stop expecting the impossibly. If he wants to, he knows where to get help. When he shows you his intentions toward you put down the brush. Don’t paint over the truth because it would mean you are living in a fake fantasy. You deserve better. Its time to live for you.

About the writer Chidubem Sharon

Chidubem Sharon is a lifestyle blog that exposes the experiences and thoughts of the author. This blog is to help everyone who reads and subscribes to it understand that there are quite alot happening around and gives out tips to solving problems

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But You Once Loved Her

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But You Once Loved Her

Behavioural scientists have confessed that humans are the most difficult living thing to understand, as simple as rationality can be defined when it comes to application it is a different story entirely. Take for instance this sequence; love, relationship and family, this kind of looks like the way to go, right? Rationality also presupposes that if this is the sequence then it should endure.

Recently, I was drawn into a case of domestic violence where the husband vowed to kill the wife if she doesn’t move out with the kids. The wife insisted on holding on to her home and she ended up in the hospital almost in a coma. Then what I could not comprehend is how love can turn to hate overnight or how man’s best friend can become his sworn enemy in just few years.

I know love is one crazy topic with a bizarre measurement that varies from one person to another. Some measure on the strength of affection while others measure it on the strength of companionship and few religious people measure it on the strength of spiritual compatibility. However, no matter what strength it was measured, none is fool proof.

I remember my last relationship in the University, this lady was very caring but as caring as she was, when she was angry she becomes destructive. Knowing that about her, I ensured no misunderstanding went too far. However, one day a lady called my line, this was late 2003 just when GSM came to Nigeria and Motorola Blade was like the latest Samsung Galaxy S series. I was out and left my phone behind, so she picked my call on hearing the caller’s (a lady) voice, and I think they exchanged few words or so, I heard a smashing sound, I ran back inside to find my beloved phone in pieces. Before I could come up with the questions, she charged at me shouting “who is that lady that called you?” A part of me wanted to ask what happened but the other furious part took over and I slapped her like twice or so. She held my shirt, pushing and shoving, and screaming “oya kill me because of her”.

This was the only time I raised my hands against a woman, and believe me till date that memory scares me. I understand some situations can provoke one into acting out several bottled emotions but should love become hate? We could make several arguments why lovers can fight but I don’t think there is a sufficient reason for them to become enemies. Hate is such a strong word to use on someone, talk less of acting it out.

But you once loved her, why would you hate her so much till the point you want to beat her or maim her. She might have wronged you but does killing her compensate for all she has done? My mother used to tell me that it is only a weak man that beats a woman. There are many other ways to correct people, especially someone you love, in the family you correct in love; your children, your wife and your house assistants.

Why love could turn to hate?

In my counseling experience, I understand there are a number of reasons why hate could reign in place of love. So I have tried to compress those reasons as much as possible into these five below

Provocation: No matter how much you love someone and how compatible you are, there would always be personal differences, learn to resolve them amicably. A wise man once told me, “if you can’t apologize for being right, then you are not ready for marriage”. Women are like raw eggs, if you try too hard to clean it, you will break it. I know as men you are hoping to mould your woman into what you want but you have to understand that in other to make her what you want, you will have to bend to what she wants too, if not provocations will set in.

Don’t sleep on an argument: If you want to keep your relationship then you must be ready to lose arguments. I concede arguments to my wife not because I don’t know what else to say but because I don’t want a win that would leave bitter taste in the home. Whenever there is an argument, end it before it ends your love, if possible change the topic and let it go. As man, you want to believe winning an argument shows your superiority in the house but trust me it only shows how selfish you are and overtime it will create a rebellious wife.

Comparison: Comparison is the easiest way to kill feelings. An adage says “when you compare kids, you will beat one to death”. No two people are the same and you can’t expect one to be like another. Honestly, we see women outside and we wish dear wife is just like someone else maybe in terms of dressing, cleanliness, care giving, being romantic, being supportive etc. But we should also know that there are many other things dear wife has that these other women don’t have. And at that age, it is hardly possible to reshape anyone but we can learn to accept what we have.

The other woman: Being a man doesn’t make it right to cheat, honestly. I know that, it is harsh but we know it is true. Yes we might want to argue it is a man’s world but then we should not give what we can’t take. Seriously, we men are the most jealous and yet we expect our wives to live with the fact that we cheat; they will fight back, it is just the natural order of life. The other woman will create a war in our family, it is not worth it especially when we think of all the possible outcomes.

Man conquest mentality: To most men, life is just one conquest after another; “set a goal, achieve it and move to another” syndrome. When we do this with family, we tend to neglect the people we love. Unlike common goals who don’t have feelings, wife does and when you think you have other priorities like making more money at the expense of giving attention to dear wife, you are creating a template for hate.

Getting married is beyond a to-do-list that you achieve and just tick off, marriage is like a seed you plant, you have to keep nurturing it till it fully blossoms and even after that you must always be there to keep it flourishing.

On no account should a man lift his hands against a woman; wife, sister, mother, friend, maid or even stranger. It is against all what being the head stands for, there are many ways to resolve conflicts or punish disobedience. The first to result to violence is always the weakest and that shouldn’t be you, you are better than that. People respond better to dialogue and empathy, those should be your greatest weapons. Love is understanding, that and more is what dear wife really craves for don’t deny her what you willingly promised her before marriage, be the man you have vowed to be.

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I Hate Him And I Hate Who I Am Becoming

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I Hate Him And I Hate Who I Am Becoming

This is a story of a young man who found out he can’t run away from who he is becoming. I will share with you this story as written by this fellow, please read, digest, make your own conclusions and if possible, drop your comments for others to learn from.

Happy reading!

Dear Selah,

Thank you for accepting to share my story. I know this is not where my story ends but I am sure there are many others who are silently going through similar experience and I just want to use mine to give them comfort and let them know they are not alone, the same feel I got when I read your article “I don’t want to be successful”.

I hated my dad because he was never around. He was basically preoccupied with work. We only get to see him once in a month and even when he was around, he was like a terror in the house, no one seems to know how to do anything right, even mom. He provided for us that I cannot lie about, when we needed money he was always there, we had a driver to take us to school and we got the best of things except a daddy. Now my father is old and he wants us around him but there has been a disconnect over the years, that somehow we have not been able to overcome that hatred we had for him while growing up.

Years, gone by now and I am also a father with three kids and I work away from my family. Due to the nature of my job, I only have Sundays to myself and public holidays. I am always away from my young family and I try to make it up to them by providing for all their financial needs. I ensure my kids go to the best school I can afford and my wife too, I try to give her the best, a car of her choice, good monthly allowance even though she works and gifts from time to time just to show her how much she means to me.

Some weeks ago, it was during the Christmas break, I overheard my kids arguing. The youngest was asking the oldest, “who is our daddy?”. This came as a shock to me, is it not obvious? Then the eldest’s response made me shiver, he said, “I think it is that man that comes during holidays”. I could argue all I can that it is because they are still young (8, 6 and 4years) but the truth is I am becoming what my father was to us, “a father and not a dad”.

Selah, that night I had a heart to heart talk with my wife and when she unbottled, I realized money can’t replace being around, and as much as they need comfort, they need me around. Today, I am still trying to find a way round it but I make sure I am around every weekend at least till I am able to find a permanent solution.

I know many families are going through this same issue, I just want to advise fathers like me; money can’t replace your role as a daddy and don’t think your kids will understand because you tell yourself you are doing it because of them. And even when your wife seems understanding, there is a lot bottled up inside of her because nothing can replace you being around.

Thanks for all your articles, selah, you are making a big difference.

Do People Change?

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Do People Change?

This is one question many of us would have asked ourselves many times, with decisions over friendship, relationship, colleagues and family requiring constant need for reassurance. Really do people change?

From the religion point of view, it is believed that when you become a believer you put away old sinful behaviours and become a new person. The Bible actually emphasized that old things pass away and all things become new. Is this true of what we have come to know? How realistic is it for someone to turn a new leaf? Especially when some consider the way we are as our nature, so if this is true then can nature change?

Some few days back, I was with my four years old son and somehow he felt I had offended him, so he decided he wasn’t playing with me again. At first, I felt it was just a 4year old kidding around. So I tried getting his attention with an apple, which happens to be his favorite fruit but he refused. Still surprised, I tried teasing him but he was just blank. Who could have taught this little boy ‘Malice 101’? I used to be like that too though that was long time ago (I think), could it be something genetically transfered? Eventually, I had to apologize and slowly he became lively again. My point in all these, is that attitude, character or behavior starts to form at a very tender age, reason it is called nature, and somehow would become who we are as we grow older. If some attitudes are learned, while others are genetically transfered, then can something so intertwined like this change? Note: I am not trying to give you reasons not to want to change!

The desire to change is not enough to bring about change, not for love, not for religion, not for regret…

Change is said to be the only constant thing in life, it will happen with or without our consent. But with people there is always this mistaking of suppression or manifestation for change. I will like to share with you instances people term as change in others and what they really are:

1. Change by New Believe or Faith or Resolution

This is a change by choice, meaning the people involved voluntarily opt to change some things just to fit into a new lifestyle. This kind of change cannot be sustained over a long period of time without an external help. You don’t just raise your hand and confess some words and then become a changed person. Yes, you may be able to suppress who you are for some few weeks but not forever. Change by faith or believe is only sustainable when you have an external help (such as the Holy Spirit or friends who share your view around you ) constantly reminding you of the decision you have made (John 12:16). No wonder, you see people become born-again today and few months after they are gradually back to their old ways.

2. Change by Love

Love is the most beautiful thing with powers way out of the ordinary but even as powerful as love is, sustainable change is not assured. I will always tell people I counsel that if your marriage or relationship is based on “he/she will change” then you have failed even before you started. When it comes to love and relationship, people will promise heaven on earth, people will tell their partner whatever he/she wants to hear just to get what they want (have sex, peace of mind, marriage etc.). However, once they have what they want, they gradually warm their way back to their old ways. The best love can get is a lover that hides his/her old ways, suppressed though but still there and anything (fight, worries, money, discontent etc.) can trigger it.

3. Change by Wealth

It is always funny to me when someone tells me, ‘Mr. A has changed because he is rich now’. No Sir! Money doesn’t change people, it only brings out (manifestation) what the person has been suppressing because he was poor. So also lack of money doesn’t make man evil, it only brings out the evil the man has been suppressing. If lack of Money makes man evil then almost everyone on the street will be evil. Riches or lack of it is like catalyst, it (makes manifest) forces out into open what someone has been hiding, the true nature. Money doesn’t change people, money makes manifest!

Change requires more than making promises or crossing the heart, there has to be a third party involved; a being, a status, a personality constantly reminding us of the choice we made.

4. Change by Regret

Many of us can attest to it that we have changed so many things over time because at a point in time we have got burnt. Naturally, we learn more from our own mistakes and we are most likely to want avoid making same mistake all over again. That’s why it is often believed that when you correct a child with punishment, you have a high probably of moulding the child as desired. This is also the premises on which corrective facilities are built (jails). However, it is not 100%, as it is difficult to change nature, especially if it involves urge, desire and greed. When people get caught they are likely to hold back for a while but if it is something propelled by urge or greed, they are most likely going back there.

5. Change by Status

When status changes, some things just become beneath you or beyond you and this can definitely lead to some attitude being suppressed and eventually lost (change). Unlike what riches do, status adds a little bit of responsibility and this can go a long way to change people. But note that what status does first is to suppress not change immediately, it is only when an attitude has been suppressed for too long that it leads to permanent change.

My Conclusion

Do people change?

Yes! People change but most people won’t, not that they don’t want to but because it is who they are and they can’t just wish that away. The desire to change is not enough to bring about change, not for love, not for religion, not for regret. Change requires more than making promises or crossing the heart, there has to be a third party involved; a being, a status, a personality constantly reminding us of the choice we made. Change won’t happen overnight no matter how committed someone is to it but with gradual suppression of what we are, we can become something new.

However, if wealth is what you are waiting for to become a changed person, trust me that won’t happen because wealth would only bring out those other things that lack of wealth has been able to suppress and the truth is if you are a bad person wealth would only make you worse.

Never base your relationship decisions on ‘hope that someone will change’, if you cannot cope with the worst someone can throw at you, then you have no business signing “forever” with the person. Whenever, you look at someone, it is best you see them for who they are and not who you hope they would be. Life has shown that there is a higher probability they remain who they are or even worse, than to change into what you hoped they will be.

​The Waiting Time

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The Waiting Time

I perceive that most of our single girls don’t really know what waiting (singleness) time is all about. What the time should be used for, how much they can invest in themselves at this time and how productive they can be at this time. Little wonder, some jump from one relationship to another at this time or find themselves under pressure to do things they would normally not do.

Your waiting time is the best time for you as a lady to develop yourself. Most ladies these days are desperate to get married ( due to their age and maybe pressure from family and friends), to a certain extent, this is understandable, if you have been at this stage before you would know how difficult families can be but in spite of the pressure you should ask yourself, ‘what am I bringing to the table, what can I offer as a wife?’ Most wait for years jumping from one platform on social media to another, all in searching of a man (it is no longer man searching), putting the cart before the horse, it doesn’t work that way! You have to develop yourself first that’s what your waiting is meant for.

Bible promised every man a woman that is compatible unto him, a woman that will be able to help him in his God given assignment. Does God plan that some remain single forever? I am not sure but I think the answer is NO! However, reality has shown us that most are single and most will remain single because they major in minor; they leave the most important things and focus on the least important ones. To find a man is the easiest thing to do but to find a lasting relationship requires a lot more. Men who are goal getters always look for women who are capable of holding together goals and can manage success. Are you that kind of woman? And if you are that kind of woman, are you willing to let go your ego and submit to love and not fortune?

If you are waiting then you should be able to develop yourself to become an helper, a confidante and an asset to the home. The fear of most men is ending up with a liability. For a lady, self development is key to not being a liability, unless she want to be wife number 4 or 5 or end up as one rich man’s trophy wife. When you don’t have anything to offer even if God is telling a brother about you, that brother will most likely rebuke the vision because nothing about you says you are marriageable. On the other hand when you prepare yourself and you are an asset, if God speaks once, the brother hears Him twice or more because there is a reason to you.

You are like tree, no matter how attractive the leaves are, it will only remain relevant if it bears sweet fruits. What you bring to the table is most relevant not necessarily how much you earn at the moment but how much you have invested in yourself that makes you an asset and not a liability. Ladies please don’t rush into saying “I do”, don’t just agree because you are under pressure, be sure you have what it takes to be in a marriage, spend your waiting time right.

Getting Too Familiar

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Getting Too Familiar

It is no longer news that men and women are been killed on a daily basis now by the same people they once exchanged marital vows with. Some men abuse, maltreat even rape the same women they once claimed nothing can come between them, same women that are meant to be supportive pillars to them. Some women ignore their husbands, starve them of sexual pleasures and even use words that can kill destiny on the men they sworn to love till their dying days.

These are not end time signs like most other inexplicable things we tie to end time. These are because we take some things for granted and because we forget our position and obligation as a woman or a man. Not to forget that we are at the age of technology abuse, false liberation, wildering morals and religious recklessness.

In the book of Esther, a Queen called Vashti lost her position because she disobey the King’s instruction in the presence of the maids. I am sure, if she had done same thing while alone with the king, the result would have been different. The king never had the plan of having another wife, but the queen’s attitude brought about the second wife.

He is your husband, but don’t get too familiar with him to the point of bringing him down or disrespecting him in the public.

Never get too familiar with him or her to the point of washing his or her dirty linen outside. Neither of you is perfect, but your attitude in correcting the wrong of one another speaks a volume. You correct in love, not for attention or ridiculing.

Wife, you are powerful, more powerful than you will ever know, but please learn to use your power in bringing unity and peace into your home. What binds you together is more than the love you professed, you have exchanged vows and it is for better and for worse; through the good times and the bad times. Those side chicks are taking what belongs to you because they know the key to his heart, just like you used to know but too busy with life to remember. Sometimes to respect him is all you need to make things right, then correct him after he is calm.

Husband, as a man, you hold the key to stop external influence on your home. Never walk out on your home because you think it is her fault, please build trust! When she is wrong, please let your means of correcting her be love, compassion and respect. Those side chicks maybe a temporary solution but for how long? Your home should always come first, should be your priority, the blessings that come with a good home and a happy wife is too much to lose because of temporary gratifications.

Esther became a Queen and all her enemies became a thing of the past because she had someone called Mordecai, she took counsel from. Do you have someone you take counsel from regarding your relationship (I mean Godly counsel)? The best way to see far is to stand on the shoulders of those ahead of you. When they advise based on God’s instruction please take to it, remember, Esther’s blessings were in Mordecai’s instructions to her.

You can join our Relationship Counseling via WhatsApp group by just one click, no questions asked and it is absolutely free.

Link Here: Relationship WhatsApp Group

Remember, don’t get too familiar that you become disrespectful to your spouse in public or before your children, maids or friends. Don’t get used to him or her that you begin to take him or her for granted. Don’t ignore your spouse’s feelings, their need to express how they feel and to be loved. Happy home is an ongoing process, we never stop being committed, and we keep pressing till we grow old together.

Act of Listening

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Act of Listening

Listening is the ability to accurately receive and interpret messages in the communication process. Listening is the key to all effective communications. Without the ability to Listen effectively, messages are easily misunderstood.

Listen with curiosity. Speak with honesty. Act with integrity. The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words.
– Roy T. Bennett

A successful marriage is a marriage between two great listeners.

God is not a God of confusion, He created things based on their importance. It was not an error that He gave us two ears and one mouth.

Our ears are for hearing (listening), and our mouth for talking. God expects us to listen more than we speak.

James 1 vs 19 “My beloved brethren let every man / woman be Swift(quick) in hearing and slow to speak. There is dignity in listening.

When you lack the ability to hear more than you speak, you end up speaking in anger and most times you speak negative things.

Little wonder Proverb 18vs 21 says ” Death and life are in the power of tongue (mouth). Most of us are the reason behind our husband/wife/children struggling because at every little provocation you sow a seed of death into his/her life/business through you tongue.

“Don’t mix bad words with your bad mood. You’ll have many opportunities to change a mood, but you’ll never get the opportunity to replace the words you spoke.”

Listen more and talk less. Any word not spoken cannot be used against you, but a spoken word cannot be retrieve.

Your wisdom is measure by the degree of word you speak, so also your foolishness.

Never use your mouth to pull down your home, rather build it with your mouth.