Fix Yourself First aka FYF

I had a privilege of counseling a friend recently, he came to me with such a heavy heart and I was moved to tears after listening to him. He lost his job recently and in less than 2months after that his wife of 5years left the house taking with her their two kids; she moved to another man’s house. He explained that, “losing the job didn’t break him as much as what happened after”, his trusted partner in a moment of trial disappeared.

I have had my own fair share of job loss and what comes after however this was on a whole different level of #@$&# but as much as I shared his pains and heartbreak, I also saw something different from what he was seeing. It was bad that the wife left but seriously at this point in his life, if they had stayed they would have been extra baggage. I couldn’t tell him that though but I saw that first.

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Yes, he was filled with self-pity, that sense of humiliation and betrayal, and to him he needed to fight back and at least get his kids back. I agree, all these are true but what is truer is that when you don’t have means to win a fight, you don’t fight (you don’t go into battle you are sure you can’t win). Yes, he needs to fight but a different battle entirely.

So I had to make him understand that his next move should not be fighting for custody or the wife rather fighting to fix himself first. I let him understand that once he is all fixed, he would be the one trying to decide whether to take the wife with the kids or just the kids back when they all start begging him to come back.

You cannot kill an unwanted tree growing in your backyard by plucking its leaves, you have to pull from the root. The root of his problem isn’t the wife leaving or another man fathering his kids, all these and more are just fallouts of the main problem, which is job loss. Problems are never solved when keep treating the symptoms, you have to fix the root cause.

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Whatever you are passing through what you should really be worried about is fixing yourself first (FYF). When you do that all other things would fall in place.

When you are down people would take advantage of you, people you expect so much from will do things you least expect but your move should not be trying to face them else you create more mess rather you focus on getting back on your feet, FYF.

There is this Yoruba adage that says “when big problem comes, small problems would cease the moment too“. So it is expected, people will talk thrash, friends would avoid you, some family members would stop picking your calls, folks would call you names, and there would be several versions of your story. Your next move is not to set things right by confrontation, no! no matter how painful it is.

Your only move is to fix yourself first, work on getting back to your feet, pull your remaining resources together, even if it means disappearing for a while and once you are back on your feet; the thrash would stop, friends would want to identify with you again, family members would start calling you, folk would give you cool nicknames, and there would only be one version of your story, the one you wrote.

My friend yielded to my advice and he is currently working on himself. I pray God hears his prayers and pull him back on his feet and put smiles on his face again and any other person going through similar challenge. Amen.

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Fix Yourself First – FYF

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It Is Perfectly Normal to Be Confused

At 24years I had so many things on my mind, some of my friends were lucky to have had life figured out before 25 but for me I wasn’t that lucky.

I had so many thoughts running through my head. It seems there was more I could do and all at the same time. I remember at a time I wanted to be a radio presenter, even though I read Economics, then I wanted to work for World Bank, I wanted to be a lecture and I also wanted to be a motivational speaker not forgetting I wanted to marry an Indian. All these left me so confused, they seemed mutually exclusive but then something in my head told me I had to be all at the same time.

I remember talking to a mentor then and you know what he told me, he said, “It Is Perfectly Normal to Be Confused at 24 but if I want to succeed I should sort my confusion before 30”

There are basically five (5) Stages of Life from what I have learned and experienced, and here is my breakdown

Age 0 to 18years you have no responsibilities and no real worries, life is sweetest at this time. I often advise folks within this age not to be in a hurry to grow up, as much as possible avoid doing adults’ stuffs. Savor this moment, you may think things are difficult and lots of people are trying to control you but trust me, this is the fun part. Another good news about this stage is, it is when the mistakes you make can be easily corrected with little gaps to fill, if the mistake is not fatal, that is death. So at this stage, please just stay safe!

Age 19 to 30years: at this point you are still trying to do life. I call it Testing waters. You are weighing options, testing your strength, will power, control, capabilities etc. This also applies to all areas of life including relationship. However, the earlier you are able to figure out yourself, define who you are, what you want and act on it, the sooner you are likely to succeed.

Note this, because you didn’t find your feet early enough doesn’t mean you won’t succeed neither does it mean that people who became successful before you would be more successful than you. The rule is “It is better late than never!” So you know what, take your time.

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Life Begins at 30! Gone are the days when life begins at 40, this is jet age and you know what, life really does not wait for anyone. If you have not found your bearing by 30, my friend it is okay if you press the panic button.

Seriously, it calls for prayers, self evaluation, change of approach, redefining what you believe and your whole thought process. Yes dear, press the panic button. Sorry, if it seems I am scaring you but this is the honest truth, the earlier you become forceful in your approach the better, at this stage. If doors won’t open, you might as well break them down. Do whatever it takes legally to change the game.

At age 50, you are already thinking of taking the backseat and watch what you have worked for grow in leaps and bounds. I call this the Time of Reflection, because now you want to look back at what you missed, did wrong or could have done better, though you can hardly make amends but you tend to want to teach it to others so they don’t fall into that same trap.

No matter how successful you get or otherwise, you always have things you could have done better. Some books called this stage “Moment of Regrets”, but I think the word regret is too strong. Definitely there would be regrets but also this would be the time to enjoy the proceeds of all your hard work and fulfill fantasies.

Finally at this point (60years upward), life moves from what you have done for yourself to what you have been able to do for others and that’s why most people at this age are no longer contented with making money, there is a new urge in them which is usually in form of seeking power or will to touch more lives. Some go into politics, seek chieftaincy titles and honorary titles while others become philanthropist and most without means to do the aforementioned tend to become life counselors, critic or preachers that most of you tend to run away from because they have that-man-talks-too-much syndrome.

So you can see It Is Perfectly Normal to Be Confused, it is perfectly normal to have too many ideas pulling you right, left and centre. In fact you would be influenced by what friends are doing and you would be tempted to try what is working for others but here is my true advise “you are different, you are a person of your own and only what you feel comfortable doing would work best for you, if you haven’t discovered that yet then just go for what emphasizes your strength, with either of this you can’t miss it“.

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It Is Perfectly Normal to Be Confused

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Sexual Abuse; Who should be blamed?

Sexual abuse is one issue that cannot be over flogged, there are thousands of cases on daily basis known and millions yet to be discovered.

Cases of adults taking advantage of teens, ladies being forced against their will even in relationship, young boys being molested by older women and in some cases older men. Sexual abuse is already out of hand, people no longer respect the word “NO”.

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In this episode of The TYs Show, I interviewed a guest by the name Miss Oluwaseun Wende, a medical student, a fictional writer and an ABUSE activist, as she tries to explain;

  • what counts as sexual abuse,
  • what are the likely consequences,
  • who should be blamed and
  • what can be done to prevent it.

Below is a preview of the show.

Click link below to watch full video on YouTube.

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Sexual Abuse; Who should be blamed?

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What happened to Balotelli?

Going through Twitter, I came across a tweet that really got my attention. The fellow tweeted “What happened to Balotelli?” First, know that this is not about judging the young man but strictly about learning and understanding what is expected of us as individuals in spite of what life throws at us.

Okay, to bring you up to speed, in case you are not a football fan. So who is Balotelli?

Balotelli is one of the few footballers to have been earmarked for success at a very young age. He had the potential, the skill and the opportunity to be a superstar but something went wrong somewhere.
Mario Balotelli Barwuah is a Ghanaian- Italian professional footballer who had the chance to prove himself and quite well as he has shown like a million stars on his day but his disciplinary records always find a way to out shine his talent.

Balotelli is one of the most racially abused personality in soccer history and a player most times misunderstood by fans and media alike. And so few people are of the opinion that these might have broken him.

Over the years he had couple of chances to start all over again but on each occasion, his attitude left so little to be desired. From having nonchalant attitude to training, to fighting coaches while not sparing fellow players and fans alike.

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Now back to question the fellow asked what happened to the star that has failed to light up the sky? Find below what people thought.

So the poll shows what people think happened to Balotelli and you watch closely you would see, even though he went through a lot of negativity, the only thing that mattered was how he responded.

“An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, the negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you.” – unknown

Life will throw a lot at you and most of it would be unfair, truth be told. People will hate you for things beyond your control, you would feel cheated, you will be treated unfairly by people you adore and respect, unfriendly faces would await you at times you need a friend, this is life sizing you up but of all these, what really matter is how you respond. You can survive all the negativity in this world provided you don’t allow them in and this has everything to do with your attitude.

We may be judged for the colour of our skin, we may be judged wrong because we don’t belong to a particular tribe, people may assume the worst about us just because of our assent, people may deny us opportunities because of our religion and folks we look up to may disappoint us because of our gender but you know the good part? None of these would write our story. The pen is in our hands, only what we think, feel and accept would determine where we will end up in all these.

You are not defined by what people think of you, what defines you is how you react to all the negatives. No one would judge you based on what you have been through, in fact no one is rewarded for what they have survived but what they were able to achieve after they survived. It is true that we have limits, as individuals, to what we can endure and some people tend to brake faster than others however, I also believe that not giving to negatives as a lot to do with our own conscious effort.

Life is not as promised. Because everyone thinks you have what it takes doesn’t make success automatic and because you have the talent or skill doesn’t mean life would be fair to you. Just because you can talk doesn’t mean you have to talk, just because someone got you angry doesn’t mean you have to let it loose. I know self-control is not something you can easily get a hang of especially when you are hot-headed like me but you know what? “practice makes perfect”.

You would have to fight, work and persevere for what you desire and above all you will have to have the right attitude.

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What happened to Balotelli?

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Why Do You Need People’s Approvals?

“Do you need people’s approval before you act on your burning heart desires?”

Many people have asked me this question in different forms and each of these questions come with its own peculiarity. The first question I always ask is, “who are the “people” involved?” and answers have ranged from family to acquittance.

So what I am going to try and breakdown is how much do you need people’s approval. I will divide the types of people into five and then explain

1. Family: Your family most likely don’t want you to get hurt, they want to protect you but most of all the want to protect the family name. Hence, they will most likely stop you from trying something crazy, something they are scared may bring the family name to disrepute or something they are convinced would fail.

So with family, it is often best to listen to their side of the story but don’t let them transfer their fears to you. You don’t need their approval to follow your dreams (even when there are your only source of finance) but you need to hear them out and find a way to handle their worries.

2. Friends: Friends want you guys to roll on same level, it is not about envy, it is just what friends do. Little wonder when you are doing better your circle of friends become smaller or change. So if your next step will take you out of your current friends’ level, they would probably not support you. Usually, friends won’t tell you don’t do it but they will try and show you why you can’t succeed doing it, giving examples of people who have tried and failed it at.

So with friends, just like family, you don’t need their approval but listen to all their points and take it for what it is “what you should watch out for”. Most of the fears your friends will project are real but they are not insurmountable as they have painted them.

3. Professionals in the field: These are people who are eager to get you on board. You get to here stories of how hard it was before they got to where they are and how they feel it is not impossible. Some paint scary pictures just to show you how strong they have been over the years (just to massage their own ego) while others only tell you the fun side just to alley your fears.

With these sets of people, be smart. Be sure you have made the right choice before you talk to these people because they can easily infect you with their passion or totally kill the little passion you have. However, you don’t need their approval but you need their endorsement. To be honest with you, to move up very fast, someone up there may have to hold your hand up, so on that premises you need them but not their approval to start.

4. Target market/audience: Once you are providing a solution to someone’s problem, the person doesn’t care about who you are, all the person cares about is the solution you are providing. The market/audience even though buys packaging alongside the solution but most often the solution is the cake, the packaging is just the icing.

You don’t need the approval of the market to start your business but you need to understand the need or problem you want to satisfy; you need to understand the market/audience. Gone are the days when supply creates it demand, these days you will have to identify the demand before you create what you want to supply.

5. Others: Others could be anybody for you, your pastor, your imam, your mentor, a motivational speaker etc., anyone that falls outside the first four group of people. For certain reasons you must have felt they need to give you the go ahead, but let me shock you, you owe nobody an explanation for why and how you wish to follow your dreams.

There is only one person that needs convincing and that is YOU! You need no approval from anybody to do something meaningful with your life. I always say this, “whoever loves you will eventually come to terms with who and what you are”, it is as simple as that.

You want to write, so what’s stopping you; you want to be a social media celebrity, do your thing; you want to drop out of school to follow your passion, by all means help yourself; you want to travel out to pursue your academics, may God so help you! look for scholarship abroad; you studied law but realized your passion is fashion, quit dilly-dallying and start looking for fashion school already; trust me you need no one’s approval to become who you are meant to be.

Your only limitation should be that which you have set for yourself, come on, don’t live life waiting for one command center to tell you when to jump. Check history, those who have stood out were those who have gone against the odds, even when loved ones tried to stop them from doing it they did it anyway.

This is your chance to join people who made history, don’t let “seeking approval” stop you!

So Why Do You Need People’s Approvals?… Because YOU DON’T

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Why Do You Need People’s Approvals?

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2019 Message

Hi dear,

I know the temptation to make list of things to accomplish or goals for the year is so high right now and believe me when I say it is a right step in the right direction but pause, take a deep breath, do you thinking listing so many goals make you more serious about life or you are just flowing with the tide?

Honestly, whatever your answer is, know this having too many targets don’t make you look smart rather it makes you lose focus.

How about we try this, ” one step at a time”, that’s, one goal at a time. When we achieve one we move to the next one and of course we set each goal with the full consciousness of what our ultimate goal is.

Have you ever wondered when is the right time to get married or you are not sure of what men or women look out for before thinking of settling down?

Watch this episode of The TYs Show

Watch now

Please give feedback as the year progresses and I hope together we see many more awesome years.

I hope you get this message guys

Happy New Year #2019 and may everyday of this year bring you something beautiful to hold on to.

Much love from Selahsomeone

2019 Message

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When Is It Right To Get Married?

This is one question many singles have battled with especially once that seems to have one aunty or uncle always on their case. Is it when you have reached certain age or when you have achieved certain status?

Also another question often raised is the issue of ladies making the first move. Is it right for ladies to propose? Note this, the lady is not asking the guy out, a relationship has already been established but when the guy is not forthcoming, can the lady take the initiative?

Lastly, what makes a man or woman marriage material? You must have heard this cliche like a million times, “he/she is not marriage material”, how do people judge who is marriage material.

Well, all these and many more were answered in this episode of the TYs Show.

Click the link below to watch the full episode and don’t forget to drop your comments and subscribe to the Channel so you don’t miss any episode of the show.

Preview

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When Is It Right To Get Married

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Can You Please Try One More Time

I heard you said you are giving up, I was told you said you can’t take it anymore, some even said you might be contemplating suicide but whichever the case is, can you spare me few minutes and read this then after you can do as it pleases you.

I am a practical example of how mean life can be, I have fallen from Grace to Grass in less than 20minutes, I have wined and dined at the table of abundance and I have had to pick crumbs off the table people who used to look up to me but here I am today. I can’t tell you I fully understand what you are going through, however know this, “I have an idea” because I once had to take refuge in the hottest part of hell.

The humiliation, the disappointment, the shame, the lifelessness you feel at this point is enough for a lifetime. I know disaster has struck already and coming back feels certainly impossible. The cards are all out and there is nothing to hold out on and it feels like the game is lost. But you know what, nothing is for certain not even the doom that stares you in the face.

I won’t tell you, you can turn things around, I am sure you have heard that too many times and it has become a cliche motivational speakers use to collect the little people have. However, I want you to do me just one favor, and I would be glad if you can do this for me; “Can You Please Try One More Time”.

I know you might be thinking, “is this one crazy or something? Try what again”. But I also know you are wiser now, stronger and more calculating, and you know what, ‘you have earned this’, what you have been through; your fails, your disappointments, the rejections, the humiliations were all a build up to this one more try, so you see you earned this one.

So this is how it is going to be; you will give this your all, you will cast away all doubts, you definitely need at least some level of spiritual connection with God and you will have to put your ego aside because this might mean going very low just to get yourself back – the springboard way. Starting afresh is not as bad as people will like to paint it, in fact it is one experience that would leave you sharing testimonies.

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Now that you have heard me out. You will have to still make your choice. I hope you oblige my request and try one more time. You are special and you have so much to live for, you might not see all these now but trust me, you will very soon.

“Only a test of fire makes a fine steel” and YOU, my friend, are the finest life is making at the moment!

Can You Please Try One More Time

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The Life We Want

We are grateful for the life we have; the family we belong to, the friends we allowed into our life, the relationship we have built, our sources of income and the chance to see another day to correct the mistakes of yesterday.

This is the life we have and we are grateful for it and most of all we are grateful for the chance we have been given to make it the life we want; to bring our dreams to life, to give our thoughts soul and to be of help to others who are lost and are willing to be found.

It is hard no doubt, making things work is never as simple as it used to be. The world is ever changing, things that used to matter less are what we struggle to get. Days gone by when you don’t want the attention, now it is all about likes and comments. Gone are the days when private life was private, now if it is not grammed or tweeted then it wasn’t lived.

Love over the air has replaced real love. We profess love in public yet we hate on each other in secret. Visits have been replaced by chats, feelings have been replaced by emojis and people just check status to know if the other is okay. It is becoming more difficult to bond as everyone is busy doing something on a device. But it is the life that we have and we are grateful for it.

Gradually we are losing our power to make informed decisions, all we do now is wait for trends then we follow. At every turn it seems without someone’s approval we can’t progress. The models we look up to, are modeling those things mama warned us against but who cares, it is the trend, it brings quick cash, it quenches the thirst of our body but sadly, it also brings destruction. Then we wish we had lived differently, alas someone cares.

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https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkmYMbbiaxZ3dvybvLjk2sA

We are thankful, as we are reminded that we have a choice, a choice to be different, to stand for what we believe even though multitudes are going different direction, to yield the call of purpose as against quick money though this is the life that we have and we are grateful for it, yet with wise choices we can make it the life that we want as our thanksgiving for what we are grateful for.

The Life We Want

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Love Without Jealousy

It is easy to expect people to love us without being jealous but is it that easy to give same in return?

This episode of the TYs Show talks about love and jealousy, asking some of the most important questions while giving workable answers as humanly possible.

Is it possible to love without being jealous?

Does love make one possessive?

Is there room for best friend, of the opposite sex, in relationship?

To what extent can we go to protect the ones we love?

These and many more were answered in this episode. It promises to be mindblowing, hilarious and most especially informative.

Preview Below

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Love Without Jealousy

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