Something you should know about Friendship

Friendship is a relationship of mutual affection between people. For there to be true friendship, it has to be mutual. There are different circumstances that bring people together but somehow you realize some people just click with your spirit self and “boom” you become friends.

So do you have a friend?

It is the era of globalization and there are no boundaries to friendship however the fundamental requirement still remains the same “mutual affection”; the desire to excel or succeed together, to provide an anchor for, to encourage, to keep secrets and have each other’s back.

The beauty of friendship is when the affection is reciprocated. If it is one sided, sooner or later, it will hit the rock. An adage says “if we are eating together then we should both have something to eat”. There is a limit to how much an individual can condone a leech, at a point the blood sucker would have to go. Same goes for friendship that is one sided.

So at a point you will have to decide if what you have is a friend or a leech.

What kind of friend are you?

Unfortunately, these days friendship has been reduced to hanging out, getting drunk or high together, competing for girls/boys, backstabbing, swindling, chatting on social media, ‘famzing’ and the likes. These have made many regret meeting others in the name of friendship.

Some people delight in spreading bad news about their friends while others on hearing good news about their friend, they just want to do something to out shine that good news. The whole essence of friendship becomes defeated if friends don’t have one another’s best interest. Unfortunately, it is not easy walking it alone without friends. Success is easier when you have like minds with similar vision around you; the more the merrier.

No matter the number, 2,3,4 or more, being friends with someone means you should desire to see them do well, become better and get to top together. That’s what friends are for!

What is expected of a real friend?

A real friend asides from reciprocating the affection, first and foremost wants to see you excel, especially when nobody believes in you a true friend does. Even when he/she doesn’t fully understand what you are up to a true friend never leaves your side.

A true friend provides you with someone you can confide in. There are times we have to do things that we probably don’t want our family to know about, a friend provides backup in such instance. It is often easy to talk to a friend than any one else when real decisions have to be made.

A friend provides the first external support when you have an idea to pitch. In fact when you have a new product to introduce to the world, your friends are your first test market or subjects. If you are my friend I expect you to be my number one fan and vise versa. Friends support each other and help sell each other’s idea to the world. A friend is like your other voices.


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Also consequently as a fan, a friend is expected to also be an honest critique with the aim of making you better. Being a critique mean being critical and objective about their analyses of you. Friends should be able to correct each other without fighting. An when there is a fight, friends should be able to move pass it but should not stop correcting one another.

A real friend is rare, so if you have one, trust me, you are lucky. Keep he/her/them and always reciprocate their affection. Success is easy when you have someone to hold your hands as you run the race of life. However, if you don’t have ‘true’ friend(s) yet, it is never too late to make one. Choose people whose vision aligns with yours, be selfless and open as much as possible. It may take time to fully trust but somehow if you click with someone, other things will seamlessly fall into place.

Share this with a friend!

Something you should know about Friendship

Do People Change?

This is one question many of us would have asked ourselves many times, with decisions over friendship, relationship, colleagues and family requiring constant need for reassurance. Really do people change?

From the religion point of view, it is believed that when you become a believer you put away old sinful behaviours and become a new person. The Bible actually emphasized that old things pass away and all things become new. Is this true of what we have come to know? How realistic is it for someone to turn a new leaf? Especially when some consider the way we are as our nature, so if this is true then can nature change?

Some few days back, I was with my four years old son and somehow he felt I had offended him, so he decided he wasn’t playing with me again. At first, I felt it was just a 4year old kidding around. So I tried getting his attention with an apple, which happens to be his favorite fruit but he refused. Still surprised, I tried teasing him but he was just blank. Who could have taught this little boy ‘Malice 101’? I used to be like that too though that was long time ago (I think), could it be something genetically transfered? Eventually, I had to apologize and slowly he became lively again. My point in all these, is that attitude, character or behavior starts to form at a very tender age, reason it is called nature, and somehow would become who we are as we grow older. If some attitudes are learned, while others are genetically transfered, then can something so intertwined like this change? Note: I am not trying to give you reasons not to want to change!

The desire to change is not enough to bring about change, not for love, not for religion, not for regret…

Change is said to be the only constant thing in life, it will happen with or without our consent. But with people there is always this mistaking of suppression or manifestation for change. I will like to share with you instances people term as change in others and what they really are:

1. Change by New Believe or Faith or Resolution

This is a change by choice, meaning the people involved voluntarily opt to change some things just to fit into a new lifestyle. This kind of change cannot be sustained over a long period of time without an external help. You don’t just raise your hand and confess some words and then become a changed person. Yes, you may be able to suppress who you are for some few weeks but not forever. Change by faith or believe is only sustainable when you have an external help (such as the Holy Spirit or friends who share your view around you ) constantly reminding you of the decision you have made (John 12:16). No wonder, you see people become born-again today and few months after they are gradually back to their old ways.

2. Change by Love

Love is the most beautiful thing with powers way out of the ordinary but even as powerful as love is, sustainable change is not assured. I will always tell people I counsel that if your marriage or relationship is based on “he/she will change” then you have failed even before you started. When it comes to love and relationship, people will promise heaven on earth, people will tell their partner whatever he/she wants to hear just to get what they want (have sex, peace of mind, marriage etc.). However, once they have what they want, they gradually warm their way back to their old ways. The best love can get is a lover that hides his/her old ways, suppressed though but still there and anything (fight, worries, money, discontent etc.) can trigger it.

3. Change by Wealth

It is always funny to me when someone tells me, ‘Mr. A has changed because he is rich now’. No Sir! Money doesn’t change people, it only brings out (manifestation) what the person has been suppressing because he was poor. So also lack of money doesn’t make man evil, it only brings out the evil the man has been suppressing. If lack of Money makes man evil then almost everyone on the street will be evil. Riches or lack of it is like catalyst, it (makes manifest) forces out into open what someone has been hiding, the true nature. Money doesn’t change people, money makes manifest!

Change requires more than making promises or crossing the heart, there has to be a third party involved; a being, a status, a personality constantly reminding us of the choice we made.

4. Change by Regret

Many of us can attest to it that we have changed so many things over time because at a point in time we have got burnt. Naturally, we learn more from our own mistakes and we are most likely to want avoid making same mistake all over again. That’s why it is often believed that when you correct a child with punishment, you have a high probably of moulding the child as desired. This is also the premises on which corrective facilities are built (jails). However, it is not 100%, as it is difficult to change nature, especially if it involves urge, desire and greed. When people get caught they are likely to hold back for a while but if it is something propelled by urge or greed, they are most likely going back there.

5. Change by Status

When status changes, some things just become beneath you or beyond you and this can definitely lead to some attitude being suppressed and eventually lost (change). Unlike what riches do, status adds a little bit of responsibility and this can go a long way to change people. But note that what status does first is to suppress not change immediately, it is only when an attitude has been suppressed for too long that it leads to permanent change.

My Conclusion

Do people change?

Yes! People change but most people won’t, not that they don’t want to but because it is who they are and they can’t just wish that away. The desire to change is not enough to bring about change, not for love, not for religion, not for regret. Change requires more than making promises or crossing the heart, there has to be a third party involved; a being, a status, a personality constantly reminding us of the choice we made. Change won’t happen overnight no matter how committed someone is to it but with gradual suppression of what we are, we can become something new.

However, if wealth is what you are waiting for to become a changed person, trust me that won’t happen because wealth would only bring out those other things that lack of wealth has been able to suppress and the truth is if you are a bad person wealth would only make you worse.

Never base your relationship decisions on ‘hope that someone will change’, if you cannot cope with the worst someone can throw at you, then you have no business signing “forever” with the person. Whenever, you look at someone, it is best you see them for who they are and not who you hope they would be. Life has shown that there is a higher probability they remain who they are or even worse, than to change into what you hoped they will be.

Do People Change?

Posted in Author Oluwatosin, Digest

SAME ROUTE, DIFFERENT DESTINATION

SAME ROUTE, DIFFERENT DESTINATION

We all were born into life without a clue of what living entails or what lies ahead of us. As children, we familiarise ourselves with the environment and people around us. A child accepts the people who they see often but are sceptical when strange people come around. As one grows older, this attitude to get attached to the known and become cautious of the unknown continues to characterize our actions in life. However, when a known individual becomes distant due to certain reasons, we sometimes hold on longer than we should because of the emotions which becloud our judgements.

The life in which we were born is rich in itself. It teaches us how to live in it through lessons that may be subtle or obvious. Take for example, you embark on a journey; whichever medium you choose to use, you meet people on your way. During the period of the transit, you may engage in discussions with people on topics helpful to your journey. If there is a cause to take some decisions about the journey, you tend to trust the opinion of your fellow commuters rather than someone without the experience of the journey. 

Nonetheless, once you arrived at your expected destination, you alight from the transportation medium. With little or no thought about those whose company you have enjoyed for hours, you continue to proceed in the achievement of the purpose for the journey. If you met anyone exceptional during the journey, you most likely keep in touch with such person.

The above analogy explains life though we rarely see the connection. Being on the same bus or flight to a city does not mean you must end your day with those people. Everyone you meet in life has got a time span to spend with you. Either we notice it or not, it is impossible to stay around the same set of people all your lifetime. You may be on the same route but your destination might be different. Hanging on longer than you should to your vehicle of transit will make you miss your destination and hence, forfeit the essence of your journey.

Those whose virtue have not completely rubbed off on you will still be on the same route with you as you advance in your journey. Twenty friends cannot play for twenty years because they all have different scripts and scenes cut out for them by life.  A scene needs to end for another to begin. As emotional as it may feel, it is the only way to a successful and meaningful drama.

Understanding when to keep on and when to quit a friendship is essential in order not to expend one’s energy in wrong areas. It keeps you abreast on who should feature in the next stage of your life. Not everyone you admire should remain in your circle. Some people should leave for some reasons or after a season. Others should always stick around because their contribution to your success in life is recurring; so says a woman of wisdom. 

It is not always an act of pride when people choose not to fight over some relationships. They may have realised that it is expedient to let go. Nevertheless, know your route and your destination and always identify those who should join you or leave at every juncture!

Posted in Author Onome, Digest, Motivational

SHARE THE FEELING

Share The Feeling

The Coca-Cola company started the share a coke campaign in Australia in 2011, they brought the campaign to Nigeria in January 2014, you can even go to their website and design your own customized picture of a Coca-Cola bottle with your name. This idea took the coca-cola company a step further in their goal of being the highest selling bottling company.

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I thought about it for a long time and it occurred to me that all this company did was to give their customers a feeling of importance. It is true that the sweetest word to any person is the person’s name. Little wonder, that excitement you get when you see your name on a bottle of coke. I could remember the day a friend of mine saw her brother’s name on a bottle of coke she bought that bottle with the last #100 on her, even though it took couple of months before she could take it home and show the brother. There are also stories of similar incident all over the nation, some had the names of their loved ones inscribed on a bottle of coke while others went ahead to get their own customized bottle and even took celebrated pictures with it. A bottle of coke made them feel special.

All people need from you is a feeling of importance, a feeling that they are special to you. No matter who that person is, everyone wants to feel loved and that exactly was the feeling Coca-Cola gave you and I.  “Make people in your life feel important and do it sincerely”, it changes the playing field for you and makes it comfortable to be around you. Imagine if everyone in the world wants to be around you, wants to listen to you, or maybe eager to associate with you. That feel right, yeah? So when next you want to start a conversation with your friends call them loveable names, tell your folks they are special to you, encourage your neighbors and make your siblings feel appreciated.

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It was Disraeli, one of the shrewdest men who ever ruled the British Empire, who said “Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours”. Everybody feels important in their own little way, so all you need to do is to praise them and give them that sense of uniqueness. A lot of people are going through emotional pains and hurts you can help them with your words of encouragements. Help someone cross the road, put a smile on somebody’s face, a gentle touch shows you understand, tell someone you believe in them, whisper encouraging words and in return somebody will do the same for you.

Admit your faults when you are wrong, saying “I’m sorry” does not mean you are weak, it shows how matured and how much you value that relationship. Keep your pride when others need to be celebrated, don’t always keep the focus on you. When a subordinate has done well don’t take the glory, when you celebrate people they become more loyal to you. Give credit to whom deserves it, encourage people who haven’t really measured up by identifying things they are doing right. Emphasize the positives and watch people strive to keep getting better for you.

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When next you come across a bottle of coke with your name or your loved ones name remember that Coca-cola has given you a feeling of importance, it  will be so unkind of you not to share that feeling. Don’t just share a coke share the feeling!

I love you!

By Omodara Oluwabunmi Onome

Posted in Digest, Motivational, Relationship

IT IS TIME TO LET IT GO

IT IS TIME TO LET IT GO

“I just hate you! Don’t you get it? Just leave me alone” those were her words to Daniel, Daniel had always wanted a relationship with her. He would stalk her then send all her friends to her, just to make her see how much he loves her but she would not go out with him. Those words went down to his spine but why would she hate him? He kept wondering. She wouldn’t stop shouting at him “Are you deaf or seriously drunk? I said leave my house now!” like a little boy whose mum forgot her birthday, with his eyes so red and close to tears, he turned around and left. She hissed and continued to watch the movie.

Her friend, Esther, walked up to her and sat beside her. With a soft voice, she said, “What is it with you and men?” But she shouted at her Esther too “I just need some peace!” she hissed and continued with her movie.

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Esther looked into her eyes with love and affection then said, “We have been friends for so long and yet I don’t really understand you. You keep sending every guy away, Susan! Please talk to me. This is our final year in the university, you should be in a relationship by now”. (Susan and Esther have been friends and roommates from their first year in the university).

Susan looked at Esther with tears in her eyes and said “You will never understand, just let me be” Esther sensed she was hurt but since she didn’t want to bother her, she deiced to change the topic…“So are you still going for the super lady’s programme tomorrow?” Susan just wanted to be alone but she knew Esther will never take NO for an answer, she then replied “If it will make you leave me alone, ‘yes’ I will go”. With a big smile on her face, Esther gave her a hug and told her, she was going to see her boyfriend. She went to get dressed and left the room.

The super lady programme was really getting interesting has the organizers had invited top dancers and musicians to entertain the audience, Esther was glad her roommate was enjoying the programme as she could see her smile and scream. Just an hour after the programme had started, the guest speaker was invited to speak. She was a relationship expert and she spoke for 45 mins on the topic “It’s Time to let go”. She used her story to challenge them, “how she was hurt by men so many times and how it was until she let go of her hatred that she found peace and met her husband with whom she is happily married”.

It was during the speech Esther noticed Susan was crying, she gave her handkerchief and placed her hand gently on hers. The speaker told them she is available for private counselling anytime, she dropped her number and left.

Immediately she left, Susan stood up, Esther was scared, so she followed her wanting to know if she was okay. Susan followed the speaker, who was about to enter her car, Susan’s eyes filled with tears, she said in a soft but shaky voice “Ma, may I talk to you now?” The woman looked at her with a deep sense of love, she said “My dear, I have another engagement right now but you can give me a call, I will find time for you tomorrow”.  She gave Susan a big hug and told her “Please give me a call”. Susan felt relieved thanked her and left. Waiting for her was Esther who gave her another hug and said “I love you, everything is going to be alright”. They went inside to pack their bags and left for their house”

Susan could not wait for the day to break, so she could call the woman. The wait finally ended, she called the woman and she gave her the time and the venue. Susan kept her appointment with the woman. She went with her best friend, Esther.

Susan told the woman how hurt she was, Esther held her tightly and the woman listened with keen interest. She told them the story of how she was raped by her favorite uncle when she was just 10years she tried to tell her parents but they were too busy to understand her and couple with the fact that the uncle told her, she would die if she tells anyone.

When she was 14 her childhood friend (Bob-cool and pleasant boy) also forced himself on her but the humiliation and previous experience with her uncle won’t let her tell anyone. At that point she vowed not to have anything to do with boys again, until she met Philip. 

She met Philip in her first year. He swept her feet away with his charming and caring nature. She told him her story and he, in turn, promised her, he will be there always for her. He promised a no-sex relationship till marriage. One faithful day, she went to hang out with Phillip and met some of Philip’s friends there. In the merriment, she was drugged and she slept off. When she woke up, she realized, she has been defiled. She felt shattered, not only because Philip had failed her, like all the other men in her life, but because she wasn’t even sure how many of them had sex with her.

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She rushed back to her hostel, she could not tell anyone not even Esther what had happened because she felt used at the same time guilty of trusting, just like it happened before, no one would ever understand. Then She vowed from that day on not to trust any man again nor fall victim of another man’s charm and sweet words.
The speaker walked to her side and held her hands, she then told her “Sweetie, you have to let go, you are hurting and it’s affecting you. I know it’s never going to be easy but the past draws us back from the future. If you don’t let go of the past you will never embrace and see the beautiful things the future has for you.  Susan you need to stop hating yourself and move on! These men are not everybody, don’t allow them make you miss the wonderful people ahead. Susan stop holding on to past, you need to let go!”

Susan wept loudly and said” Ma, I am really trying but I’m hurt”, Esther held her and wiped her tears with handkerchief. Deep within, Esther was feeling so bad, she could still that remember that day in 100 level when Susan came back very late in the night looking so disoriented and uncoordinated, she tried finding out but Susan would not talk and as their usual practice she let her be…”only if she knew, she would have kept pressing till she tells her the whole story.” By now Esther was also in tears

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The speaker held her hands again and told her “These men have moved on but you are the one still hurt, you really need to help yourself, smile again. You deserve to be happy! Nobody knows how you feel and nobody understands what you are going through but allow yourself to be healed. Let the past go with the past, you need to welcome a new life. It is never going to be easy but I assure you it is worth it” After a talk of about one hour Susan felt relieved, she promised to let it all go and the woman promised to be in touch with her.

When they got home Esther apologized for being there when she needed her the most and for not truly understanding her but Susan apologized too for not being open minded to her.
It took Susan time but she has decided to start seeing the brighter side life has to offer and with Dr. Thompson by her side, checking up on her and making her feel loved, she finally let go and gave love another chance. She gave Daniel a try and she never regretted it.

Lessons
1. You never get rid of bad experience by shutting yourself in and everyone else out
2. The past draws us back from the future. If you must move on, you must shed the excess weight of your past.
3. Most people who hurt you can’t even remember. If you do not let go of the hate, you would only be hurting yourself more.
4. Because friends say they are fine doesn’t really mean they are fine. Often times they just need someone to press a little harder and show a little more concern.
5. For every bad person there is a good person. People are different don’t judge everyone with the sin of few people.
6. A problem shared is a burden lifted. If it is more than you can handle find someone to talk to, if not a family, then a friend, if not a colleague then a professional.
7. You are in control of your happiness; not another man nor another woman, not an experience nor bad breaks, not the good things you have nor the things you lack.

Finally, a lot of times as humans we are hurt by the people we love and trust the most but if we refuse to forgive and let go, we are the ones hurting. The future will never come around if you still hold on to the past. It’s never going to be easy but eventually it is going to be worth it.

Daphne Rose kingma said “Holding on is believing that there is only a past; letting go is a knowing that there is a future”

It’s time for you to let go of the hurts and the pain, and welcome the future. God Bless You

By
Omodara Oluwabunmi Onome