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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE RANT 101

Ladies, we all envision marriage to be a bed of roses with little or no thorns at all. We want a marriage where no one raises his or her voice just to be heard and all the other sweet fantasies. I get it, we do not like anything that could scare us but its no news that marriage is never that way. There will be some disagreements and raising of voices sometimes for stands to be taken. I understand all that but should domestic violence become the new black of marriages? No matter the shade it comes in, it should never be the new black.

Choosing your spouse is the only key choice we get the chance to do by ourselves. We don’t get to choose our parents, siblings, children and if you are or were like me you don’t get to choose the schools you attend. But marriage? That’s a totally different ball game all together. That’s the only decision you make and people around you can only but wish you well in your choosing cause it’s for life, baby!

You do not go around choosing that one special person on the ground that he is dark, tall and handsome or because he is a giver. I’m sure you know what I’m saying. Our new daddy has got to be a reflection of who you want your sons to be and who you want your daughters to end up with. The physical and material are important but thoseunseen traits are more essential to take note of.

No man is going to change when he gets into marriage. Once a boy in his bachelorhood, forever a boy. Don’t expect him to grow up to being a man. It is the responsibility of any reasonable adult to provide, and Tom, Dick and Harry can do that. It only takes a boy to do certain things to his woman. Call your woman certain names and to even take it further to her family, (gosh you have got some really rotten balls there), attempting to raise your hands to land on her body (Mr man please what do you think you are?), eventually getting the impetus to hit her, seeing to it that you can go to bed peacefully when she is out in the cold when you can do something better (I’m not asking you to be her Jack and freeze off in the sea but be compassionate).

Ladies listen carefully, he is nice does not mean he is compassionate. Which man won’t want to be nice to the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with? A man only changes for himself before considering others. I know he would say he realized that he was hurting you and chose to change, the truth is that actually he realized that to get further he needed to adjust himself.

Stop finding expression for his actions. Call a spade a spade. He damn hit/insulted/disrespected you. He meant to. He never hit you mistakenly. You getting him angry is not enough reason to lift his hands on you (if that’s how it is then he should be hitting police officer or military man because they angered him). That’s cowardice! You can frown at that statement men. (I’m in my father’s house, come and beat me).

The fact that your mouth is like that of a spoiled tap that cant stop running, does not give him the right to be inhumane to you. Yes, I agree that we ladies can drive a man nut with just talking, especially if it comes to the point where we have repeatedly pointed something out but no response. Does that make it sane to hit me or talk ill about me or my loved ones? He ain’t gonna change so stop expecting the impossibly. If he wants to, he knows where to get help. When he shows you his intentions toward you put down the brush. Don’t paint over the truth because it would mean you are living in a fake fantasy. You deserve better. Its time to live for you.

About the writer Chidubem Sharon

Chidubem Sharon is a lifestyle blog that exposes the experiences and thoughts of the author. This blog is to help everyone who reads and subscribes to it understand that there are quite alot happening around and gives out tips to solving problems

Read more from Chidubem Sharon

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE RANT 101

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Interview With a Player Part 2

Interview With a Player Part 2

This is my interview with a new friend of mine, he used to be a player, a heartbreaker and a chronic womanizer. He agreed to share some of his experiences with me and I hope we can all learn from them as well as from the few notes I took during the interview. You are welcome to the series. 

Previously on interview with a player

Selahsomeone: Welcome back readers, let’s learn as Mr. A continues with his story.

Selahsomeone: So Mr. A, you were dating two sisters under same roof and you were comfortable?

Mr. A: I wasn’t comfortable, no! far from that but I felt like I had all I had ever wanted. Everything was kind of going in my favour. A girlfriend that provided basic necessities (food, money and sex), the little sister that gave love a new meaning to me and I was really doing good at school, I was best in my class at the time. That was like everything a guy could pray for at that level but like I said when I thought it could only get better something bad happened.

Sometimes bad things bring the best comfort, but even with the comfort, it still doesn’t make them right. And when we lose ourselves in the bad, we should be aware that there will always be consequences!

Selahsomeone: I doubt these were answered prayers but anyway, what bad happened?

Mr. A: While Growing up, being the only child of my parents, there were some habits I picked up and one of them was keeping a diary. Then I needed to share my thoughts with someone but because I had no one close enough, I shared them with my diary. So on this faithful day, I went to play snookers with my friends, so I left Miss F and Miss B at home. It was always a nice time with the guys, you learn new tricks, compare notes and share experiences. So often I get so involved that I lose track of time.
So on this day, I came back home late, around 8pm to find Miss F packing her stuffs while Miss B stood there crying. I wanted to ask what the issue was but what I saw shut my mouth. There laid my diary on the desk in the sitting room. I remembered, keeping my diary under the bed, where I was so sure no one would check. But here it was, somehow, Miss F found it and read everything. When I say everything; I mean everything… chasing Miss K, game plan that led me to Miss F, the secret affair with Miss K and my love declaration for Miss B.

Selahsomeone: Wow! This is not funny. That’s why the saying goes, “a thief won’t get lucky every time“.  So what did you do?

Mr. A: As a player, I knew I had to find my way around the scandal and the first thing is to make sure she doesn’t leave. When you allow issue to get out of sight, it often ends up getting out of hands. So I locked the door, pulled her into the bedroom, leaving the sister in the sitting room, then conjured a fool proof scope.

Selahsomeone: By ‘scope’, do you mean lie? 

The trending thing nowadays is to give bad things good names to make us feel less guilty but deep down we have to know it is what it is and even a good name and cool emoji will not change what it is. If it is not right then it is bad!

Mr. A: Well, I would not want to go into the difference between scopes and lies now but then I had to get out the current mess and I had to do it really fast.
As soon as we got inside, I went on my kneels, started crying and began to talk at the same time, so I started my scope, ” Miss F, it is true I wanted Miss K at first but since I set my eyes on you, everything changed for me. You are my life, the reason I think I can beat the odds (appealed to feelings). I know you have read my diary but see every thing you read in my diary were all fantasies, make believes, just a story I write to catch fun. You know I could never share my love for you, not with someone like Miss K, you are better than she could ever be and we both know (playing on her ego). Then Miss B is just like a sister to me, yes I love her like I would love my own sister, that’s what I meant by “I love Miss B” that you read in my diary (word semantics). Believe me Miss F, you are all that matter to me”.
I studied her response, she didn’t utter a word but she was a bit calm now. I was hoping for a much better response though but that she was calm was a step in the right direction. I knew I needed to play a trump card, a kind of reverse psychology should do the trick. So I stood up, looked at her and said, “but you should have trusted me, but then I don’t blame you, it is just because you know I depend on you for everything. Just know this is not fair!” I made sure she saw the tears in my eyes then I went straight to bed. I was 90% sure, I had won her back and I hoped the night will do the remaining 10% for me. So pleased with myself, I slept off.

Selahsomeone: This is unbelievable, you mean you played your way out of that much trouble. Wait! Do these ladies stay in your house and share same room?

Mr. A:  We stayed together at my place, although Miss F had her own place and she only went there when her parents were coming to check on her. Kind of student live-in lovers. And we shared same bed; I sleep in the middle of the two sisters actually.

We make some bad decisions out of love often because we leave our head out of the decision making process. It takes the heart to love but without the head having things in the right perspective, silly decisions can’t be avoided. Giving someone your all can’t make them love you more if they don’t love you before, there can’t be more if there was none in the first place!

Selahsomeone: So what happened the next morning? Did she believe you? Did she stay?

Mr. A: I was 90% sure my scope worked. I slept off only to wake up around 5am, none of the girls were beside me. My heart skipped, this can’t be happening to me.Remember, I told you I came from a struggling home and as at then my entire allowance was about N500 which barely covered my transport. My feeding, spending and provisions were covered by Miss F. In fairness, she gave me all but then even though the way to a man’s heart is his stomach, if the heart is occupied already, feeding him can only get the woman used, and worse if the man has no heart.
I am not trying to exonerate myself or make reasons for what I did but then I also believe women give themselves too much credit. They always have the believe that they can change men, and believe me, with the life I had lived, I can boldly say only God can change man.

Selahsomeone: I agree with you on that. People change only when they are convinced they have to change and not because other people asked them to change. I agree it is only God that can change man. Back to your story, guess she left after you slept?

Mr. A: That was my thought when I woke up but then playing the crying card had never failed a player before or so I thought…

To be continued.

Next on Interview with a player

I Love You

I Love You

‘I love you’ probably the most confusing three words in history. Questions like; does it exist, can it be true, is it real, is it possible at first sight, why all of a sudden etc trail these words, often born out of the stories of love we have read and past experiences. In a letter I published sometime ago “what is love?” wherein a young lady tried to explain the unconditionality of these words, I still ask myself this question, “can anything be unconditional?”. I mean can we love without expecting something in return? Life has taught me that these words often create that sense of obligations and expectations such as; reciprocating, obeying, caring for, being best friends with, worshiping, accepting, giving time to, listening to, forgiving when I wronged etc.

‘True love’, as my dear writer friend Onome likes to use, now takes the complication to a whole new level. ‘True love’ has been used in series of articles, often times to mean a love so divine, devoid of anything evil or selfish intentions and therefore creating a picture of an eldorado or place of peace in relationship but then does this really exist? Truth itself is a function of time and state; present, past and future, if you agree with this, then you will also agree with me that ‘true love’ could have a time validity or worse still a time constraint that could render it more or less potent as time passes. This is just an hypothesis though, don’t ha

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te me yet.

Enough of my twisting and turning! Love is real, trust me, just that it  holds different meaning to different people. Literally, we can say love is a desire to an end; a desire only the confessor of the words truly knows to what intent and extent. Okay, simply put, only the person saying those words (I love you) can really say what he or she real means, that is, how deep is the desire, what are the intentions, the terms and conditions apply and to what length he/she is willing to go.

For clarity sake, we have all been made to believe the words “I love you” should mean; you are the only one, I can’t live without, you are my everything, there is no one else above, I will be with you always and forever etc but in reality this seldom happens.

The truth is when you interpret the words “I love you” from someone else based on your own “desire of intent and extent”, you most often than not get it all wrong. For instance:
From a mother to a son- ‘I love you’ may mean ‘I will make sure you turn out right’. The son would be wise not to mistake it for ‘you can do as it pleases you’ or else he will see rebuke from his mother when he is wrong as betrayal of love.
From a player boy to a side chick- it may mean ‘I want to have sex with you again and again’. The side chick should not mistake it for ‘I will be with you forever’ or else she will see the guy getting married to the main chick as betrayal of love.
From an extortionist to a pure heart- it may mean ‘I like the way you spend on me’. The pure heart should not mistake it for ‘I can cross the ocean for you’ or else he/she will see the extortionist’s walking away when there is no more money as betrayal of love.
From a pastor to the congregation, it may mean ‘I am happy to have you in my church and I pray you make heaven’. The church should not mistake it for ‘I can die for you’ or else when the pastor chooses his family above church members, the church will see it as betrayal of love. And so on

My point is, there is no absolute (in reality) to measure these words or what to expect. What we all have to go on with are merely our imaginations and what we think the other party might be saying. However, if we take time to understand what the other person wants (to what end) maybe relationship will be less complicated and more worth the time. So when next someone tells you I love you, be wise enough to probe further because it is better to know what to expect and your likely obligations than to assume it is just unconditional.

From me to you, I love you (meaning I appreciate you reading my articles, I hope they have positive impacts in your life and I definitely want to see you at the top).

Cheers.

STOP IT!

STOP IT!

“Are you not tired of being treated this way?” Esther asked Monica, both of them had been friends and roommates since their second year on campus, Esther had always been the gentle one; easy going, cool and calm while Monica on the other hand was the opposite. She is always excited, free and lively (loud). They are two different individuals who have different goals and ambitions. Esther’s very intelligent and quite smart; always trying hard to set Monica right, especially when it comes to relationship but often times she shuts her up and some times she shuts her out completely.

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This particular day had gotten Esther pissed off, her roommate came in to report her boyfriend Dave. Dave and Monica had been in a relationship for about a year but it had always been from one problem to another. Dave had never respected Monica and he had always treated her like she was one random girl. This particular day Monica went to see him and he had embarrassed her in front of one of his female friends, he just pretended as if she was not there. He kept on talking to the lady as if Monica never existed. Monica walked out of his room with tears in her eyes. When she got home, she opened up to her friend Esther. Esther was used to her coming home and complaining about Dave all the time but she was getting tired of listening to the same story, so she had to voice out and asked her the daunting question, “are you not tired of being treated this way?”

Our actions or inactions, consciously or unconsciously gives people the idea of how to treat us. We give people the power to treat us the way they do. Show class and people will treat you with respect – Selah

Monica’s eyes lit up, she replied “What do you mean!?!”. “You need to stop it!”, Esther replied. Monica was confused “Stop what? You are confusing me”. Esther moved closer to her, held her two hands and looked into her eyes “You need to stop Dave from treating you like nobody, you are beautiful and you deserve the world, you need to stand up and find your worth, love is not selfish, love does not dishonor others! If he loves you he will treat you like a queen that you are”. Esther continued, “let me ask you? How has this relationship added to your life?” Monica was speechless, she knew she had made lots of mistakes in that relationship, she knew she was just enduring the relationship, she knew she had to stop it.

It was like those words set Monica free. She was able to summon courage to end the slavery she called relationship. She ended the relationship with Dave and worked hard on herself to became a better person. Over time Monica found true love, a man who treats her right, puts her first and shares her dreams.

“You are beautiful and you deserve the world, you need to stand up and find your worth, love is not selfish, love does not dishonor others! If he loves you he will treat you like a queen that you are” – Onome

Love is a sweet thing. Everyone’s desire is to meet the right person who will make them feel so special and feel on top of the world but there is more to love than candle light dinners, going on dates, getting matching wristwatches and shirts and all the emotional stuff. Love is about growing together, learning together and respecting each other. Stop forcing yourself on her, stop forcing yourself on him, you worth so much more! Stop  tolerating relationship, you are meant to be celebrated not tolerated  and until you know your worth nobody will see you as worthy. My dear reader, you need to stop chasing people and become a person worth chasing. Trust me, if you become a better person, you will attract the right person.  Make conscious efforts to be the Right and you will be someone’s Mr or Mrs Right. Overall, be a man or woman your partner will be proud to have.

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Finally, treat your partner the way you want them to treat you; stop disrespecting your partner in front of your friends, family, colleagues, classmates or clique. If you don’t value your partner nobody will, if you don’t respect him/her your friends won’t. Don’t be bossy, don’t be controlling, don’t dominate discussions, don’t be too protective, don’t become obsessed and remember, she is not your maid and neither is he your source of income. Relationship is meant to be an advanced partnership, both of you have to bring something to the table; you have to trust, respect, reach compromise, make sacrifices, forgive and above all love truly.

Love is achieved when two mature minds decide to make it work, it is never one sided. Love should start from you, if you don’t love You, nobody will. If you have found true love hold on to it, if you have not, be patient and while at it be a better person, true love will surely find you. You are meant to be celebrated and loved not to be managed!

Omodara Oluwabunmi Onome
Onomewrites@gmail.com