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Act of Listening

Listening is the ability to accurately receive and interpret messages in the communication process. Listening is the key to all effective communications. Without the ability to Listen effectively, messages are easily misunderstood.

Listen with curiosity. Speak with honesty. Act with integrity. The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words.
– Roy T. Bennett

A successful marriage is a marriage between two great listeners.

God is not a God of confusion, He created things based on their importance. It was not an error that He gave us two ears and one mouth.

Our ears are for hearing (listening), and our mouth for talking. God expects us to listen more than we speak.

James 1 vs 19 “My beloved brethren let every man / woman be Swift(quick) in hearing and slow to speak. There is dignity in listening.

When you lack the ability to hear more than you speak, you end up speaking in anger and most times you speak negative things.

Little wonder Proverb 18vs 21 says ” Death and life are in the power of tongue (mouth). Most of us are the reason behind our husband/wife/children struggling because at every little provocation you sow a seed of death into his/her life/business through you tongue.

“Don’t mix bad words with your bad mood. You’ll have many opportunities to change a mood, but you’ll never get the opportunity to replace the words you spoke.”

Listen more and talk less. Any word not spoken cannot be used against you, but a spoken word cannot be retrieve.

Your wisdom is measure by the degree of word you speak, so also your foolishness.

Never use your mouth to pull down your home, rather build it with your mouth.

Act of Listening

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BE HOPEFUL IN HOPELESS SITUATION

Hello!
I heard, you wanna die
How true?
You really want to get rid of your life?

Anyway,
There are many ways to say goodbye;
But, I would suggest one,
Throw yourself in a deep sea
Splash! splash!! splash!!!
There you go.
You would definitely start struggling
To save your life.

You would find it hard give up the struggle.

Why?
Well I know
Life might be hard,
Bitter, painful, and seem unfulfilling.
But there are people making headway
In this same unfair world.
Why then do we want to kill ourselves?

We definitely don’t want to.
But we are trying to kill something else inside of us.
The resentment, the stigma, the anxiety and the sufferings
Are what lies within us
And we are trying to kill ourselves to get rid of them.

Some of us live recklessly
Just to prove we don’t care
Often in rebelion against our family, friends or soceity
This doesn’t change what they feel about us
It only kills the little respect we have left
Good only comes from effort

Here’s what I have for you.
There’s an immense beauty, fruitfulness
And goodness that abounds in this World
Many success stories point to this fact
Life is a potent sign that there’s hope!
You’ll surely overcome your travails.
Just live, learn, love and enjoy your days.

Stop trying to kill yourself!

©Basiru Adebayo Emmanuel

Your Life is Precious

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A Lil’ Help!

As Leslie watched the pregnancy test stick on the bathroom counter, she couldn’t help but silently pray it was positive. That would be a whole lot of weight and stress off her shoulders.

It wasn’t like she and her husband Kane, were old or (have been) searching for a long time. In fact, their marriage was barely six months old and neither Kane nor their families was pestering her for a child. Yet, she knew she needed to be pregnant at all cost.

The alarm clock on her phone vibrated, signifying the end of the five minutes wait. She held her breath and gently peeked at the test. She couldn’t help the sudden rush of disappointment that filled her when she realised it was negative. She angrily pushed the stick and every other thing on the counter away.

She sank to her knees and gently placed herself on the bathroom floor as she cried silently. She couldn’t help but think about why it was very necessary for her to get pregnant. She needed it as an excuse for her husband to stop wanting her or touching her sexually.

To her surprise, Mary did not blame her. Mary had understood, even more than she had thought was possible. It was such a great relief.

No, she did not despise her husband. On the contrary, she had grown to love Kane, yet it was pretty difficult to make love to her husband. Each time, she had to think of something else, or in her case, someone else. She didn’t know why, but Kane’s touch repulsed her even though in her head she knew she loved him.

The problem had started in her final year in the University. She had been a victim of a gang rape, which led to bouts of depression afterwards. It did not help that her friend and roommate blamed her for walking at night even though she had been on her way to class to read. She had felt so useless and she never thought she would ever have anything to do with sex again.

Then she met Mary during her NYSC days. Mary was her roommate in the lodge they were given by the company they served. Mary had quickly noticed her skittish nature around guys. After much pressure, she finally caved and told Mary about her experience. To her surprise, Mary did not blame her. Mary had understood, even more than she had thought was possible. It was such a great relief.

Then Mary started becoming nicer, extra loving, attentive and most of all, extra touchy. At first, it was all strange but then she started enjoying it. The little touches became frequent hugs, cuddles then it advanced to pecks. She was very ready when Mary finally introduced her to full blown sexual activities. Mary told her only a fellow woman would ever understand her body and make her feel that much pleasure.

It wasn’t that he was a sex addict, but he had stayed faithful for a whole year of courtship and now, he had to remain celibate in marriage?

After service, she was retained by the company and Mary left, though she would occasionally come over for visits and other things. Then her parents introduced her to Kane who had just been called to Bar and had joined his Father’s chambers as a young Barrister. Both parents had high expectations for them and they did not disappoint because they got married after a year.

Then things became strained when after a month, she still hadn’t let her husband touch her even after making him wait all through their courtship days. It wasn’t like she didn’t love him, she did. A whole lot. Yet, she couldn’t get turned on by him sexually until she had to resort to thinking about Mary and their past escapades.

Things went back to normal for a while until she started finding Kane’s sexual appetite too much for her man-hating body to handle, which was why she needed to get pregnant ASAP. That way, she’ll be safe from his touch for nine months.

Leslie knew she was in serious trouble, she had researched it and the internet had called her bisexual. How was she supposed to get over this when her husband was slowly becoming colder and slipping from her grasp?

***

Kane sighed as he stared at the files the pretty secretary just dropped on his table. His thoughts weren’t there at all. A glimpse of the petite secretary’s cleavage had stirred something in him. He shook his head and stared at the shiny wedding band on his finger to clear his rampaging thoughts.

Kane explained everything to his Dad, who listened without any interruptions. After he let his son talk, he finally responded.

“You said it does not seem like she’s cheating?”

Ever since his wife had decided to limit their sex life to once or when he’s lucky, twice in a month, he had had to resort to crazy sexual thoughts. It wasn’t that he was a sex addict, but he had stayed faithful for a whole year of courtship and now, he had to remain celibate in marriage?

Leslie considered his sexual appetite too excessive and uncalled for. Sometimes, he caught her expression when he tried to be all romantic and touchy, and he could tell it was usually one of repulsion. She had become so secretive and moody that Kane didn’t know what to do anymore because no matter how much he pressed her to talk, she would never say anything. It seemed her friend, Mary, was even more interesting than he was to her because he could tell his wife showed more life and enthusiasm whenever Mary was around.

A light tap on his desk jarred him from his jumbled thoughts. It was his Dad looking at him with concerned eyes. The older man quietly drew a chair and sat down in front of his son, neither men speaking for a while.

“I have noticed this new far-away look on you for a while now. Is everything okay? Is Leslie giving you trouble?” The older man asked.

She had refused to talk in their first two visits but this third time, she had broken down and started crying when the therapist asked “Are you a lesbian?”

“Hmm Dad. I don’t know what to do anymore. I swear, I don’t. I am so lost and confused, what does she want?” Kane rambled.

“Calm down son and start from the beginning. What is the problem?”

Kane explained everything to his Dad, who listened without any interruptions. After he let his son talk, he finally responded.

“You said it does not seem like she’s cheating?”

“She comes home immediately after work, she only hangs out when Mary is around and they don’t stay out late. She doesn’t lock her phone neither does she fight nor neglect house chores. She just doesn’t want me near her, that’s the problem.” Kane confessed.

“Hmm. This seems like a very serious issue. Since she’s refusing to talk to you, no matter how much you press her, I’ll advise you get her to seek professional help. I’ll give you a number. It’s my friend’s. He is a psychologist and marriage counselor. I am sure he can help you.”

***

As Kane listened to his wife spill out her guts to the therapist after their third visit, he couldn’t help but feel so sorry for her. She had refused to talk in their first two visits but this third time, she had broken down and started crying when the therapist asked “Are you a lesbian?”

Leslie had thought she was bisexual because she looked at the therapist and said “Maybe I’m Bi.”

“No, Leslie, you’re not homosexual. You were just temporarily confused because your body needed a form of sexual outlet and since it wasn’t responding to men after what you went through, it only made sense for it to respond to the one person that understood your plight.”

The woman advised Leslie to try and stay away from Mary for a while, and she needed to realise, men are not evil. Not all men will hurt her. She also had to forgive herself and stop feeling worthless, but she had to go through this journey with her husband so that a new bond could be formed.

“Don’t rush it Leslie. Take it one step at a time. Find out why you chose Kane to go on this life long journey with you. You also need a Lil prayer every now and then. It will not hurt to commit everything in God’s hands. You might just be surprised at how much everything else will fall in place. Also, advise Mary to come see me. She also needs help.”

***

Leslie is now a proud mother of two and she couldn’t have been any happier with the man who fathered them. All she needed was someone to show her the best path and everything worked out just fine.

© Oluwaseun Wende, 2017

Seun is a 200 level student of Medicine and Surgery, Ambrose Alli University, Ekpoma. Edo State, Nigeria. She is also a creative writer and blogger…

Visit her Webpage for more

Bea’s Aloe (Best of Stories)

A Lil’ Help!

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SEX AND MARRIAGE

The only thing you uniquely share with your spouse that you don’t share with anyone else is sex. So sex is the only thing that sets you and your spouse apart from simply being roommates. It’s a vital part of marriage.

Not only does sex set you and your spouse apart from simply being roommates, it also requires a deeper level of communication that you don’t normally do with just anyone. Sex requires you to talk to each other about intimate, emotional things. For example, to have a truly intimate experience with your spouse, you need to tell your spouse where you like to be touched, and make requests for certain things. This requires that you both feel a comfort level with each other that you’ve never felt with anyone else before. It requires both of you to become very vulnerable by asking, receiving and giving sexually. And it requires you to reach a deeper level of trust that your spouse will respond to your requests without judgment.

Sexual intimacy in marriage is sacred, beautiful and good. It is the deepest level of intimacy you and your spouse can share. In fact, ‘making love’ is such an intense bonding experience that the Bible refers to it as “becoming one flesh.”

The truth is, God ordained sexual intercourse as a way to foster unity in marriage. If handled properly, what this means is that sexual intimacy has the power to create intense physical, emotional and spiritual bonds between you and your spouse.

Part of the challenge, however, is that the man and the woman have different attitudes to sex. This is one of the reasons sex is a sore point in some marriages. It is therefore little wonder many couples are more tolerant with their sex lives than they are satisfied.

Although there is no magic number that can tell couples how often they should have sex, it is important for couples to discuss their needs openly with their partners and negotiate a relationship that meets both of their needs. While having sex less than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is generally considered average.

It is also important to understand that lack of enough sex in marriage can have grievous consequences:

When there is a major disconnect in the sex lives of couples, intimacy at all levels tends to drop. Lack of sexual intimacy will further draw couples apart and make it difficult for them to handle other less serious problems.

People in sexless marriages are less happy in their unions and more likely to consider divorce.

It has also been found that infidelity in marriage is sometimes a result of a partner not getting enough sex at home. The partner who is not getting enough is tempted to look outside for his/her sexual needs (although this should never be considered as an option or condoned).question is: If sex is so important, and naturally pleasurable, as indeed it is, why is it that some couples struggle in that aspect of their lives?

FACTORS AFFECTING A HEALTHY SEX LIVES IN MARRIAGE.

1. PHYSICAL FACTOR

a. Fatigue
Fatigue resulting from too much work. If husband and wife work long hours, there is less interest in sex. The demands of work and home rob people of their energy. This is often the case when husband and wife work round the clock to earn good salaries.

b. Routine and boredom
After about five years of marriage issues crop up in the marriage: loans/debts, school fees, frustrations at work, house maintenance and chores etc. Husband and wife settle into a home routine that almost always does not include sex. When they were just married, sex was more frequent. The sex was still great before the children started coming, but when more pressing problems come up, sex goes to the bottom rung of the ladder.

c. Medical condition.
Husband or wife develops a medical condition that could significantly lessen their sex drive, either from the condition itself or from the effects of the medication.
Men especially have this issue with performance problems such as premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction, but women also can have issues such as loss of feeling after childbirth and changes to the female reproductive system that can make sexual intercourse unbearable.

2. EMOTIONAL FACTORS

Couples may have unresolved differences that prevent them from enjoying sex together.

Unhealthy attitudes about sex. One spouse may have been raised to think that sex is more of a duty than something to derive pleasure from.

3. CULTURAL FACTORS

Cultural differences could affect the quality and frequency of sex between mixed-marriage couples.

4. PSYCHOLOGICAL FACTORS.
Deeply-seated psychological problems that make sex impossible. These could be anxiety, fear, or being a rape or incest victim in the past.
Other hindrances to sex in marriage include a job loss, a death in the family, or financial difficulties. Infidelity on the part of one spouse could also lead to the loss of interest in being intimate. Trust issues are also a factor.

Now, a lot of problems can also arise from a terrible sexual history. Some who were sexually abused in childhood become frigid, even when they are married; some become sexually wild and insatiable. Naturally speaking, this can affect people throughout their lifetime. But it shouldn’t. What you should do in such instances is talk to a professional counselor or pastor about it. Most importantly, talk to God, allow His Word heal your mind.
Now, if you are having sex with someone who is not your wife or husband, this is the time to break off that relationship because could destroy your marriage faster. And if your unfaithfulness in the past is constituting a hindrance to your having sexual fulfillment in marriage, then genuinely ask God for forgiveness and move on.

If you are married and your sex life is not as great as it should be, here are some for sexual intimacy.

TIPS FOR SEXUAL INTIMACY

1. Shun selfishness.
Sex is not just about you, it also about (and I dare say, much more about) your spouse. So get out of that ‘selfish mode’ and begin to place the needs of your spouse above your own.

2. Understand your differences.
God wired the man and the woman differently, so this affects their sexual desires and the way they handle sex generally. Together, you and your spouse can make the best of your differences.

3. Learn to forgive.
Resolve any lingering issues in your relationship that have not been dealt with properly.

4. Keep the fire of romance burning.
Sex is better and more rewarding when the ‘environment’ and accompaniment are right. With your husband or wife, constantly look for and embrace new and exciting ways to make your love and sex lives better and God-honouring.

5. Keep the communication line open.
It has been discovered that couples who talk over their sex lives (as well as other aspects of their marriages) tend to have healthier marriages. So learn to talk things over with your spouse.

6. Make time for rest and relaxation.
Today, many work very hard in pursuit of money and the good things of life, but so readily put off working on their relationships. We must understand that if there is no intimate bond between spouses, all that hard work is ultimately unfulfilling. The loss of our relationship can have deep consequences. So make out time for your spouse—just for relaxation.

7. Constantly pray for opportunities to ‘connect’ with your spouse.
Never neglect prayers in seeking solutions to sexual issues with your spouse. You will be amazed that praying together and ‘breaking bread’ can remove obstacles to sexual intimacy.
Now, God wired us with a sex drive, and this is one of the most powerful forces man can experience.
However, like fire, when it is not contained and controlled, it becomes a damaging and destructive force.
May your sex be a pleasurable, relationship building and edifying experience in your marriage now and always. Amen.

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SEX AND MARRIAGE

Fundamental of an Healthy Marriage

Fundamental of an Healthy Marriage

Marriage is God sanctioned; it is an institution God initiated immediately after creating all that He created. God allowed marriage because it is the only institution capable of solving the complex society problems. If education was the solution, God would have raised Professors from the Garden of Eden, if it was politics, He would have raised politicians from inception, if it was religion, God would have raised Pastor and Imams from Eden but instead of all of these, God raised a family. Note this, if we all raise healthy and Godly families this world will be a better place for us all.

For us to raise a godly family, we must understand the role expected of us as a man or as a woman in marriage.

Genesis 1 vs 26: God created man in His own image, in the image of God created He Him; male and female created he them. I want us to at this point put up our thinking cap, God said he created He him, and also said He created them male and female. This means that it was not only man that was created at this point, a woman was also created. If we proceed a bit to Gen 2 vs 18, God says : And the Lord God said, “it is not good that man should be alone, I will make him an helper suitable for him(NIV). Looking at this, it could be interpreted that man that was created in Genesis 1 vs 26 was alone, but this is contrary to the word ” He created them male and female”. Genesis 2 vs 21: So the Lord cause the man to fall into a deep sleep; then took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place 22, the Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man and brought her to the man.

Get this, in Gen 1vs 26, God created them male and female, but the female could not be seen physically because she was still inside the man (except God was lying in verse 26, but you and I know He is not man that He would lie). Her being inside of a man hindered her from fulfilling the purpose for which she was created, so in Gen 2vs 18 – 22, she was brought out of the man into a physical state and her assignment was to help the man in fulfilling destiny; not as a servant or second-class object but as an helper, contributor or partner; even though the area of help was not mentioned.

You agree with me that you can only seek help in your area of weakness and not in your area of strength, right? So He carefully said, “an help mate suitable for you“. Your own weakness may be in areas orderliness and He will give you a woman that is orderly, yours may be financial instability and He will provide you a woman that is financially stable to fulfill the assignment given to you. It is shallow mindedness, when some women say they can’t part with their money to finance their home. You as a man may be grace in the area of cooking, and you have a wife that is weak in that area, you will have to help out, because God won’t give you what you have, an helper will always come in the form of who you need to be complete.

When God gives you the rib of your side in form of a woman, He expects both of you to become one entity, with each one playing his or her own part in that entity and that is when the promise of favour from Him(God) comes to be.

Understand this, when the man and the woman become one, and go back to the original way it was before the woman was remove from the man (working in synergy as an entity), that is when God’s promises concerning marriage are made to manifest. It is like buying a new phone, the phone is always packed separately from the battery, the charger and the other accessories but you are expected to put the battery in the place designed for it by the manufacturer, in the phone to enjoyed the phone, so also is your wife, you need to place her where God has commanded you to place her (a place of love and honour) before you can enjoy her role in your life.

Women, your help to your husband is not limited to cooking and caring for the kids, as Bible says help comparable unto you, is help in the area of your strengths and his weaknesses. So also men.

God bless you Union.

What You Need to Know About Marriage

What You Need to Know About Marriage

Is Marriage a blessed or cursed institution?

Marriage is an institution ordained by God. The most important institution in the whole world. Marriage can be a blessing and also a curse depending on the foundation on which it is build. There are principles guiding everything in life (including marriage). When the principle and the foundation are faulty, then marriage become a Curse instead of a blessing.

Are you single? Planning to say I DO soon? Then you need to know these principles. Are you married, but presently in hell? You can make it work today by learning and applying those principles. Are you enduring yours? That is not the Father’s will for you. Marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not endured. We live in a world where we go through a lot as male and female, to run our homes and pay our bills our homes are meant to be a place of rest not a place of enduring.

If you agree that marriage was founded by God with the union of Adam and Eve, then you will also agree with me that the principles that would lead to a successful marriage can only be found in God’s teachings. After all, only the maker of a device has the authentic manual. Society and trends might try to modify, redefine or even give us a cosmetic idea of what is ideal but so long as you are not ashamed to use the original manual from the founder of marriage, you will have a beautiful home.

God created man and said it is not good for man to be ALONE and so woman was made. Marriage was not designed to be a lonely journey, where husband run his own race and the woman runs hers. The race in marriage is a joint race, where no one should Lord over the other.

Woman, you are meant to respect your husband and husband love your wife. God gave this instruction because He knew that most men are stronger than most women physically and may want to Lord over her, but when you love her as instructed, the love won’t make you Lord over her. As a wife or wife to be, you should be careful of the company you keep and what and who you listen to for advise.

Can two walk together except they agree? Agreement between husband and wife is key. Marriage is coming together of two adults, and not coming together of two adult and there parents, siblings, nieces, nephews and co. Every marriage should be between two adults and not the entire nation. No two situations are same, so also marriages. Your marriage is not expected to be compared to another.

Share your opinion with us!

The Only Thing Women Want 

The Only Thing Women Want

Okay, I am sure you are probably saying, “what’s he talking about how can women want just one thing!”. Unfortunately, yes! That’s what I am saying.

Some days back, I was on an ATM queue, when I heard a woman sobbing, she should be in her late 40s, she didn’t look that educated but you would see how much she was trying to hold her pain, as she was trying to explain to her friends why she was so hurt. I moved closer, so I can hear the gist (as a writer I eavesdrop a lot) and here are the key points of what she said…

…whenever he travels he doesn’t buy me things while I see other women show off what their husbands bought them…

…he never shows me he still cares about me, I know he doesn’t have much and the little he has he spends it on us but he feels detached…

…he doesn’t talk to me about anything, he is always tired for everything…

…his responses are always harsh like we are fighting, I just wish things where like they used to be…

Women are so wonderful, unique, smooth, in fact no amount of words could describe their versatility. As Human want is unlimited so is woman want, only woman with limited vision has limited demand. There’s Much to talk about…

-Hon Oloniju Aryortheyjhy Colonial

These got me thinking, if this man spends all he earns on his family and the woman is still not satisfied then what do women really want? So I went straight to google and search ” what women want” and the response I got made me more confused. Some authors came up with 6, some 7, another came up with 10 and a weird one wrote 100 things women want.

Then I remembered the song “my love don’t cost a thing”, is it that most women want everything while few others want nothing? I couldn’t answer that question, so I dropped it and moved to other things until today when it just dawned on me, every woman wants only one thing which they can disguise as everything or nothing and that is attention. (Before you call me a male chauvinist, please here me out)

Omodare….you can never know what you women want…. Even when u have it all, you are never satisfied…. I’m so confused on this cuz they can never be pleased
– Alex Temitope Ayodele

Attention comes in different forms, shapes and sizes, and most times that is where most men get misled to think women are insatiable. Also may be because men are too focused on the physical evidence that they neglect the unspoken words and are misguided to think most women are materialistic, when all they demand is attention.

Some times we think women want shopping just to stack their wardrobe but half of this time all they wanted is attention, to become the cynosure of all eyes. Attention from friends, the boutique’s representatives, but most of all from you their men. Ask any lady, the best part of a shopping spree is to have their husbands/boyfriends their to do the selection. In fact, most women will argue that they don’t dress for a man or men and that to a large extent is true because they dress for attention depending on the kind of attention they crave for at that moment. She just wants the attention!

A woman wants to be loved and appreciated. She’s an emotional being so she expects everyone to see things from an own point of view, she wants to be listened to, she wants respect. She will appreciate gift but she wants more. She wants to be treated as a special person.
– Omodara Onome

I have heard guys say their women nag but here is the fact, she just wants your attention. She wants to be heard, listened to and treated as a partner in the relationship. She wants you to have time for her, she doesn’t want to be second to your job, the children, your friends or your religion, she wants to be second to none. Unfortunately, men treat life as conquest, surmount one and move to another, shifting all attentions to what is new. Of course she will nag, she wants to be seen and treated as new everyday!

People have said a woman boss is always too bossy that women love power. In all honesty, everyone loves power, male or female but the question is, “what is the motive behind that love for power?” Men love power so they can rule, gather wealth and some times oppress but for women it is different, she wants power so she can command attention. When a lady boss walks in she wants you to know she is the boss (trust me on this, I have worked with many boss ladies), she wants the attention especially if there is another lady around, she wants everyone including that lady to know she gets all the attention.

She wants love ,care,respect and forgiveness. Fidelity, Attention…. listening ear and FINANCIAL SECURITY….above all…a faithful man.

– Raymond Glory

Men are moved by what they see; a sexy body, a beautiful face structure, a pretty smile, to die for attitude and so on, basically men are a typical example of seeing is believing but women are opposite, women are moved by what they hear, it is an evidence they have your thought attention and trust me they know when you are saying it like you mean it. It is not all about being emotional (it counts though) but it is more about what you confess, women want to hear it, day and night. If you love her then you cannot be tired of saying it and even when she wrongs you, she still doesn’t want you to take the attention off her.

No one has the ability to give women what they want, their want can’t be met. Due to individual differentiation we could say, some want love and care blah blah, while some want money and prioritise their career. The truth be told, there are some secret want which women can’t openly disclose they only fantasize about it. So to cut the long story short they have few want that we can only try to meet them. Wish I could explain more But Selah, I ain’t a fan of typing….

-Taiwo Afeez Fehintola

When a lady says I don’t want anything, trust me that ‘anything’ doesn’t include attention. In truth, the fact is, saying she wants nothing is expected to make men curious and inevitably kick start the attention process. Men will want to find out more about her. Who is she? Is she still single? And with men curiosity rather affection would often lead them to the doorstep of a lady.

To a lady, attention beats any other thing men have to offer. Ever wondered why a lady married a rich business man still ends up in the bed of an hustler? It is simply because the rich man is too busy chasing money that he thinks money can replace giving his lady attention (Remember the movie “unfaithful” by Richard Gere, it wasn’t about the sexual desires of the woman but the passion and attention in every contact).

We all know what a man wants according to Rev (Mrs.) Funke Felix-Adejumo ‘A man’s greatest need is respect, not sex or food’. In the same context, “A woman’s greatest need is attention, not sex or money”.

We can paint it however we like it, use big English and even vague words, say it is nothing or it is everything but the word we are all looking for is ATTENTION. Give your woman more attention and see what difference it will bring to your relationship, it is worth the try!

Thanks to all contributors as quoted, you guys are amazing. And to you reading this, I am sure most won’t agree with this view especially based on their own experience, so feel free to share your reservations in the comment section and trust me to reply your constructive counter argument. Cheers!

​Interview with a player 5

​Interview with a player 5

This is my interview with a new friend of mine, he used to be a player, a heartbreaker and a chronic womanizer. He agreed to share some of his experiences with me and I hope we can all learn from them as well as from the few notes I took during the interview. You are welcome to the series.

Previously on Interview with a player

Selahsomeone: Welcome back readers, let’s learn as Mr. A continues with his story.
Selahsomeone: Mr. A welcome back after a long absence. I am glad to have you back. So let’s start this way, how did you handle it, when the truth came out that Miss O had been playing you all along?

Mr. A: Nice to be back Selah. 

To be honest, I was taken by surprise with the turn of events with Miss O. She fooled me right from the onset. After she showed me the text, I now told her, nothing like that happened at Miss D’s place that it was all a ploy to unravel the mystery behind her threat texts, calls and claimed beatings. There and then she knew her game was up, she then started crying, she claimed she did it all for love and because she was scared of losing me. Selah, I was dazed, I have been played by one lady I could have sworn was naïve. She lied about Miss T and her lies practically killed every good memories of Miss T and almost made me an enemy of my good student.

You don’t judge by looks, when it comes to relationship even what the eyes see cannot be trusted. People can hide things and still join you in searching for them. 

Selahsomeone: Hmm, painful I guess. But the truth is, the player was played, big time.

Mr. A: Hmm, you might want to say, that about summarized it. Though, a part of me realized that, it still didn’t feel less painful. Anyway, there and then, I made up my mind it was over with Miss O, I may be a cheat but I was not ready to settle down with another cheat, remember no honor amongst thieves.

Selahsomeone: So true. Okay, so what happened after that, your promise to take up her school responsibilities, miss D and Miss B?

Mr. A: Selah, a lot happened. My service was over and almost immediately, I got a job with one of the old generation banks. The pay was quite good for a fresh graduate and luckily Miss O got admission at the prestigious university in Ibadan. Even though we had agreed to go our separate ways, I still paid her fees up till her final year. And for miss D, I eventually found out she too had been all lies; false claim of being a virgin (still don’t understand why girls lie about things like that), she had an incurable appetite for sex (actually that’s about all she knew how to do then, she is much different now though, because I still keep in touch) so, I had to let her go too. Finally, I was left with Miss B. 

Lies are the worst foundation you can build your relationship(s) on because when it storms, it would be blown away. You are better of, starting with the truth and reaching an understanding before you consolidate on what you have.

Selahsomeone: Wow! If I was right, that would be your 7th year of being together.

Mr. A: 8th actually! But unfortunately that was the last year we spent together.

Selahsomeone: What happened *now I was very curious* what could have separated Mr. A and Miss B (A&B connection) after everything they have been through?

Mr. A: Sometimes, karma has a way of coming back at us when we least expect. I proposed to Miss B on New Year’s eve of 2007 and sure her answer was “Yes”. We agreed we had to mend things with her cousins Miss K and Miss F (who both were still single at the time). We called them up one after the other, Miss K was too quick to give her blessings while Miss F was a bit reluctant but eventually she said okay but advised Miss B gets pregnant before we inform her parents (Miss B lost both of her parents some 5years back and since then Miss F’s parents had been like her Forster parents). 

Miss F’s advice made a lot of sense. Miss F’s parents knew I dated her, so if I now showed up that I want to marry Miss B, it will definitely be a No No but if she was pregnant, they would probably have no choice. So we agreed she should get pregnant, even though she was having her NYSC up north, she was most times with me. For over 6months we tried to no avail, we did tests and we were told we are both fine but still I couldn’t get her pregnant. Finally, after her service year, we agreed she should go back to Lagos for some few weeks then come back finally and stay with me while we hatch a new plan for our wedding. 

Some things would not work out just the way we want, not because we didn’t try enough but because somehow what we desire won’t fall fit in God’s perfect picture of us. Learn to live with your unanswered prayers!

That morning when she was going back to Lagos, I noticed she wasn’t her cheerful self, I asked her what the matter was but she just smiled and said, “I am going to miss you!”. I tried my best to comfort her, I told her it was just for some weeks and that I would always be with her on phone. I took her to the park, I was accompanied by a friend, I pulled her back as she was about to board the bus, I hugged her and I couldn’t miss the tears in her eyes, I smiled and planted a kiss on the teary cheek. She boarded the bus, I waited till the the bus was filled and the bus left. 

This was around past 7am, it was a Monday morning and I have to make it back to the office before 7:30am. It couldn’t have been up to 10mins when Miss B’s bus left when a text message came into my phone. I was driving, so asked my friend to check the text and read it to me.  He took my phone, flipped through the text and he said, ” turn the car around or pack this is bad”.

I was so confused, so I packed and snatched the phone from his hand to read the text and it went like this…

“‘A’ my love, it is so sad all these have to end, I want to be with you forever, God knows I want to but sometimes walking away is the only way forward, now that it is so clear some how the universe is against us. I will miss you and will forever cherish you. Never to see again!

Yours

B

PS: Don’t bother calling because I am breaking my SIMs now”

Selahsomeone: *sigh* wow! That’s harsh and almost unbelievable considering what you guys went though together and how many hearts suffered along the way. Did you make any effort to get her back?

We make the craziest decisions when we are emotional, often this point is our weakest yet we get stronger with each experience especially when we are not drowned by the bitterness or joy.

Mr. A: Selah, yes I did. I couldn’t reach her on any of her lines, and almost everyone we had in common said they didn’t hear from her. It was like in the movies, she disappeared only to resurface 3months after and guess what Selah!?! 

She was getting married!

Selahsomeone: What? How? To whom?

Mr. A: Same questions that gave me sleepless nights. This totally broke my heart and harden the shattered pieces. I was taken for a fool by Miss T, played over and over again by miss O and finally dumped after everything by Miss B, i spun out of control and ended up in a players rendezvous.

Selahsomeone: RENDEZVOUS? Can you shed more light?

To be continued

You Deserve The Best

You deserve the best don’t let anyone make you think otherwise. You deserve to be loved, cherished, helped, understood and given second chances. You deserve to be successful, rich, famous, mentored after, listened to and taken serious. You deserve so much more than a man can limit you to and believe me you deserve the world.

Often people make you feel less deserving just to be able to control and manipulate you. They want you to see them as your all, your saviour, want you to think you are incomplete without them and not worthy of something better than they can provide. Here is the downside, most of these people might start up as meaning no harm but in limiting what you think of yourself they are actually causing more harm than they can imagine.

You have to believe you deserve the best first before you can experience the best. You need to see yourself as a complete being before you can enjoy meaningful relationship with others. People in your life are there to complement you not complete you, you are made in the likeness of a supreme being who is the definition of completeness. You don’t have to be in a forced relationship where you are always made to feel sorry, like a victim, a slave, a liability or like you are being done a favour. You can always get something better than you have now.

Life will make us cross paths with so many people, trust me, not all of them are meant to stay no matter how much we want them to but you know the good part, people who are best for us, who really want our happiness, who want to actually see us grow, would always find a way to stick around. Don’t give in to threats, don’t burge in the eyes of oppression, don’t let anyone coercive you, even when it involves someone you think you can’t live without, always remember YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING GOOD.

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It is not such a bad idea to be passionate, shy, considerate, amiable and even meek but in all of these don’t sacrifice your happiness because someone doesn’t feel secure about your growth. Reach out, go for what you desire, you have no limits, no bounds, no impossibilities, no constraints, you have everything you need within you, dig deep and you will realize you can do so much more. You are as complete as any other successful person you know, whoever comes your way is a complement, treat them as such and value their contributions but above all appreciate who you are, get the best for yourself because after all said and done You deserve the best.

Love is Unconstitutional But Trust is Earned

I was talking to a friend, a young lady, and she said to me, “Selah, if he loves me then he ought to trust me”. At first I said ” sure!” but on second thought asked myself, how realistic is that?

I understand many relationship texts, speakers and writers are of the opinion that love and trust should go in the same sentence but in reality, it rarely works like that. We generally want to expect a lover to also trust but here is the twist, when someone is really in love with you, there is every tendency that the person becomes a ‘little’ jealous, do you agree? (I know I am but not obsessed, though). If you agree, then you must also agree that the element of jealousy, no matter how small it is, has an underlining root called “trust issues”. 

Now let’s agree on one more thing, love is unconditional (I am sure you are nodding your head now), yes! true love should be unconditional, not based on materials, assets, body structure, personality, status or gifts (even though these are major factors we have to consider before agreeing to marriage). You can love someone the first time you set your eyes on them, that is the nature of love, it is a gift you give to someone else most times in hope that they give it back to you, using same measure but not always necessarily so. However, trust on the other hand, has to be earned and most times after it is earned, it can also be lost. Quick example, a mother loves her kids, but some times you hear her say ” I don’t trust my kids with my phone”, and if you ask her why, you will find out it is based on her past experiences with the kids. Trust is based on individual’s past experiences and current events, and to be trustworthy partners must prove their worthiness.

How to build trust?

1. Good communication: Talk to one another about everything. About the guy eyeing you in your office, about the new friend you just made, about the lady in your class who is always chatty around you and so on. Be as open as possible, in fact be an open book to your partner. You don’t have to necessarily talk about your exes in details, in fact most guys don’t like that ‘talk’ and might even fuel trust issues but be as open as humanly possible. No keeping secretes, be transparent.

Scenario: Somehow a lady in a perfect relationship mistakenly kissed a friend (guy) in a moment of adrenaline rush. Now she is wondering if she should tell her boyfriend about this mishap or keep it to herself? 

2. Share itinerary: Exchange daily itinerary, let him or her have a rough idea of where you will be at a particular time, not saying everywhere you want to stop at but at least an idea of what your day is going to look like. Most girls want to be able to say, “it is 5pm, my guy should be at the gym or church rehearsal” and same goes for guys. This is not your guy or girl monitoring your movement, it is about him or her being able to vouch for your movement.

3. Be truthful: The quickest way to have someone trust you is to be truthful at all (most) times. Lies might save a face some of the time but the truth will save a face all the time. Let your “A” be confirmed as “A”, if you know you are in a scenario where the truth can wreck more havoc, I always suggest silence. The easiest way to destroy a relationship is to build it on lies. Tell your partner the truth and whatever you know you can’t share with your partner, DON’T DO IT!

Scenario response: You need to understand who your partner is, how he or she responds to issues, best time to talk to him or her and how stable your partner is emotionally. These are the key factors that determine whether or not, you have to share. However, this predicament is avoidable, remember “whatever you know you can’t share with your partner, DON’T DO IT!”

4. Be Yourself: The only way you can be consistent is if you are yourself. Don’t try to be what or who you are not, if your partner finds fault, he or she would correct and probably be able to vouch for you but when you are fake, you become inconsistent and inarticulate. When someone is not articulate, people find it had to trust them. Even though they are telling the truth, their body language and inconsistencies keeps giving them off as lairs.

5. Have common friends: This honestly would prevent more than half of trust issues in relationships. Having private friends especially of the opposite sex can easily stir up trust issues. Even when there is really nothing to it, when you start spending more time with a person of the opposite sex who is not a common friend,  you obviously are given reasons not to be trusted. Whoever wants to be your friend and not the friend of your partner, is worth avoiding. 

Scenario conclusion: Not telling your partner means you are keeping a secret and once you are able to keep one away from him or her, you will eventually keep many. However, sharing will get the load of guilt off you but here are the two possibilities 1. Your partner trusts you that you don’t hide things from him or her or 2. Your partner can’t trust you with person of opposite sex because another accident might happen again. It takes wisdom to do the right thing. An octogenarian once told me, if by accident you get your shirt stained with another lady’s lipstick, wash it off first then when you get home, you can joke about it with your wife, if not, any other way, won’t be a joke at all. Always apply WISDOM!