Tag: love

Fix Yourself First aka FYF

I had a privilege of counseling a friend recently, he came to me with such a heavy heart and I was moved to tears after listening to him. He lost his job recently and in less than 2months after that his wife of 5years left the house taking with her their two kids; she moved to another man’s house. He explained that, “losing the job didn’t break him as much as what happened after”, his trusted partner in a moment of trial disappeared.

I have had my own fair share of job loss and what comes after however this was on a whole different level of #@$&# but as much as I shared his pains and heartbreak, I also saw something different from what he was seeing. It was bad that the wife left but seriously at this point in his life, if they had stayed they would have been extra baggage. I couldn’t tell him that though but I saw that first.

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Yes, he was filled with self-pity, that sense of humiliation and betrayal, and to him he needed to fight back and at least get his kids back. I agree, all these are true but what is truer is that when you don’t have means to win a fight, you don’t fight (you don’t go into battle you are sure you can’t win). Yes, he needs to fight but a different battle entirely.

So I had to make him understand that his next move should not be fighting for custody or the wife rather fighting to fix himself first. I let him understand that once he is all fixed, he would be the one trying to decide whether to take the wife with the kids or just the kids back when they all start begging him to come back.

You cannot kill an unwanted tree growing in your backyard by plucking its leaves, you have to pull from the root. The root of his problem isn’t the wife leaving or another man fathering his kids, all these and more are just fallouts of the main problem, which is job loss. Problems are never solved when keep treating the symptoms, you have to fix the root cause.

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Whatever you are passing through what you should really be worried about is fixing yourself first (FYF). When you do that all other things would fall in place.

When you are down people would take advantage of you, people you expect so much from will do things you least expect but your move should not be trying to face them else you create more mess rather you focus on getting back on your feet, FYF.

There is this Yoruba adage that says “when big problem comes, small problems would cease the moment too“. So it is expected, people will talk thrash, friends would avoid you, some family members would stop picking your calls, folks would call you names, and there would be several versions of your story. Your next move is not to set things right by confrontation, no! no matter how painful it is.

Your only move is to fix yourself first, work on getting back to your feet, pull your remaining resources together, even if it means disappearing for a while and once you are back on your feet; the thrash would stop, friends would want to identify with you again, family members would start calling you, folk would give you cool nicknames, and there would only be one version of your story, the one you wrote.

My friend yielded to my advice and he is currently working on himself. I pray God hears his prayers and pull him back on his feet and put smiles on his face again and any other person going through similar challenge. Amen.

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Fix Yourself First – FYF

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Love Without Jealousy

It is easy to expect people to love us without being jealous but is it that easy to give same in return?

This episode of the TYs Show talks about love and jealousy, asking some of the most important questions while giving workable answers as humanly possible.

Is it possible to love without being jealous?

Does love make one possessive?

Is there room for best friend, of the opposite sex, in relationship?

To what extent can we go to protect the ones we love?

These and many more were answered in this episode. It promises to be mindblowing, hilarious and most especially informative.

Preview Below

Watch full video Click here

Love Without Jealousy

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Handling Attention From The Opposite Sex

Attention from the opposite sex can be very tricky especially when you are in a stable relationship and many have lost what they hold dearly because of how they have managed these flings of attention and throw around care that often starts as harmless.

When does attention start to generate tension?

How should you react to excessive care from the opposite sex?

What can you do to ensure your relationship survive this temporary attention span?

How bad is friends with benefits?

Watch The TYs Show on Selahsgroup YouTube Channel for answers to these questions and lots more.

This talkshow is informative, inspiring, funny and down to heart. You should not miss this.

Watch now

Handling Attention From The Opposite Sex

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A little Nicer

Being deserving of a thing is not measured by what you went through to get it but your understanding of what makes that thing precious; passion does that for people more than pain could ever do, build passion in people and not pain. – Selahsomeone

You don’t have to have all you want before you make impact in other people’s life; a smile, kind words, gentle touch, constructive criticism are few of the ways you can reach out. I know sometimes you just feel like letting out your frustrations but you don’t have to make a third (innocent person) party a victim of your outburst. Everyone has a burden, transferring yours to others would only cause a ripple effect.

Many say the world is crazy, the government is bad, our leaders are malicious but you know what I think? I think we are all a victim of our own ills. I have encountered so many difficulties in my life and to each of them has a face of someone who could have been nicer. (I hope I am making sense). A sadistic lecturer, a difficult boss, a backstabbing friend, a cheating date, an oppressing rich man/woman etc, all individuals that could have just been a little nicer but instead chose to be selfish, eccentric and egoistic like you and I often do.

It doesn’t hurt to make life comfortable for others in spite of going through a difficult time yourself. You shouldn’t delight in seeing others suffer. Because you had a rough start at your workplace or getting your degree or getting to stardom doesn’t mean you should inflict same on people coming up through you. If we go by “an eye for an eye” the whole world will soon go blind. Making it easy for people coming behind should be your topmost priority. Being deserving of a thing is not measured by what you went through to get it but your understanding of what makes that thing precious; passion does that for people more than pain could ever do, build passion in people and not pain.

You know that giggling dance you do on the inside when you read bad news about celebrities and affluent people, that’s not nice. No one deserves to be wished evil upon. You wonder why bad news sell more, well it is because deep down most of us are of the opinion that if we can’t be happy no one deserves to be happy. This has to change! We can all be a little nicer, celebrating the good in one another. Do you know that happiness can be passed on just as sadness is contagious? That is the ripple effect! Make someone happy and you will see how happy it will make you feel.

Even when you feel compelled to correct a wrong, be subtle about it, remember it doesn’t end there. Don’t ripple the waters of karma, correct with the right intentions not out of envy or vengeance. When you have to teach a lesson, let the blessings be obvious. Because you are on top today doesn’t make you a supreme being nor omnipresent, you are but a man, remember someone would fill that position in a short while… Be mindful of this and let it guide your everyday actions.

Be nicer even if it is just a little more than your usual. Go out of your way to do something for someone. Do you know the greatest feeling of satisfaction comes from knowing that you have delighted someone? Don’t argue just try it and you will experience something different.

Share this with someone you wish could be a little nicer!

A little Nicer

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE RANT 101

Ladies, we all envision marriage to be a bed of roses with little or no thorns at all. We want a marriage where no one raises his or her voice just to be heard and all the other sweet fantasies. I get it, we do not like anything that could scare us but its no news that marriage is never that way. There will be some disagreements and raising of voices sometimes for stands to be taken. I understand all that but should domestic violence become the new black of marriages? No matter the shade it comes in, it should never be the new black.

Choosing your spouse is the only key choice we get the chance to do by ourselves. We don’t get to choose our parents, siblings, children and if you are or were like me you don’t get to choose the schools you attend. But marriage? That’s a totally different ball game all together. That’s the only decision you make and people around you can only but wish you well in your choosing cause it’s for life, baby!

You do not go around choosing that one special person on the ground that he is dark, tall and handsome or because he is a giver. I’m sure you know what I’m saying. Our new daddy has got to be a reflection of who you want your sons to be and who you want your daughters to end up with. The physical and material are important but thoseunseen traits are more essential to take note of.

No man is going to change when he gets into marriage. Once a boy in his bachelorhood, forever a boy. Don’t expect him to grow up to being a man. It is the responsibility of any reasonable adult to provide, and Tom, Dick and Harry can do that. It only takes a boy to do certain things to his woman. Call your woman certain names and to even take it further to her family, (gosh you have got some really rotten balls there), attempting to raise your hands to land on her body (Mr man please what do you think you are?), eventually getting the impetus to hit her, seeing to it that you can go to bed peacefully when she is out in the cold when you can do something better (I’m not asking you to be her Jack and freeze off in the sea but be compassionate).

Ladies listen carefully, he is nice does not mean he is compassionate. Which man won’t want to be nice to the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with? A man only changes for himself before considering others. I know he would say he realized that he was hurting you and chose to change, the truth is that actually he realized that to get further he needed to adjust himself.

Stop finding expression for his actions. Call a spade a spade. He damn hit/insulted/disrespected you. He meant to. He never hit you mistakenly. You getting him angry is not enough reason to lift his hands on you (if that’s how it is then he should be hitting police officer or military man because they angered him). That’s cowardice! You can frown at that statement men. (I’m in my father’s house, come and beat me).

The fact that your mouth is like that of a spoiled tap that cant stop running, does not give him the right to be inhumane to you. Yes, I agree that we ladies can drive a man nut with just talking, especially if it comes to the point where we have repeatedly pointed something out but no response. Does that make it sane to hit me or talk ill about me or my loved ones? He ain’t gonna change so stop expecting the impossibly. If he wants to, he knows where to get help. When he shows you his intentions toward you put down the brush. Don’t paint over the truth because it would mean you are living in a fake fantasy. You deserve better. Its time to live for you.

About the writer Chidubem Sharon

Chidubem Sharon is a lifestyle blog that exposes the experiences and thoughts of the author. This blog is to help everyone who reads and subscribes to it understand that there are quite alot happening around and gives out tips to solving problems

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE RANT 101

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But You Once Loved Her

Behavioural scientists have confessed that humans are the most difficult living thing to understand, as simple as rationality can be defined when it comes to application it is a different story entirely. Take for instance this sequence; love, relationship and family, this kind of looks like the way to go, right? Rationality also presupposes that if this is the sequence then it should endure.

Recently, I was drawn into a case of domestic violence where the husband vowed to kill the wife if she doesn’t move out with the kids. The wife insisted on holding on to her home and she ended up in the hospital almost in a coma. Then what I could not comprehend is how love can turn to hate overnight or how man’s best friend can become his sworn enemy in just few years.

I know love is one crazy topic with a bizarre measurement that varies from one person to another. Some measure on the strength of affection while others measure it on the strength of companionship and few religious people measure it on the strength of spiritual compatibility. However, no matter what strength it was measured, none is fool proof.

I remember my last relationship in the University, this lady was very caring but as caring as she was, when she was angry she becomes destructive. Knowing that about her, I ensured no misunderstanding went too far. However, one day a lady called my line, this was late 2003 just when GSM came to Nigeria and Motorola Blade was like the latest Samsung Galaxy S series. I was out and left my phone behind, so she picked my call on hearing the caller’s (a lady) voice, and I think they exchanged few words or so, I heard a smashing sound, I ran back inside to find my beloved phone in pieces. Before I could come up with the questions, she charged at me shouting “who is that lady that called you?” A part of me wanted to ask what happened but the other furious part took over and I slapped her like twice or so. She held my shirt, pushing and shoving, and screaming “oya kill me because of her”.

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This was the only time I raised my hands against a woman, and believe me till date that memory scares me. I understand some situations can provoke one into acting out several bottled emotions but should love become hate? We could make several arguments why lovers can fight but I don’t think there is a sufficient reason for them to become enemies. Hate is such a strong word to use on someone, talk less of acting it out.

But you once loved her, why would you hate her so much till the point you want to beat her or maim her. She might have wronged you but does killing her compensate for all she has done? My mother used to tell me that it is only a weak man that beats a woman. There are many other ways to correct people, especially someone you love, in the family you correct in love; your children, your wife and your house assistants.

Why love could turn to hate?

In my counseling experience, I understand there are a number of reasons why hate could reign in place of love. So I have tried to compress those reasons as much as possible into these five below

Provocation: No matter how much you love someone and how compatible you are, there would always be personal differences, learn to resolve them amicably. A wise man once told me, “if you can’t apologize for being right, then you are not ready for marriage”. Women are like raw eggs, if you try too hard to clean it, you will break it. I know as men you are hoping to mould your woman into what you want but you have to understand that in other to make her what you want, you will have to bend to what she wants too, if not provocations will set in.

Don’t sleep on an argument: If you want to keep your relationship then you must be ready to lose arguments. I concede arguments to my wife not because I don’t know what else to say but because I don’t want a win that would leave bitter taste in the home. Whenever there is an argument, end it before it ends your love, if possible change the topic and let it go. As man, you want to believe winning an argument shows your superiority in the house but trust me it only shows how selfish you are and overtime it will create a rebellious wife.

Comparison: Comparison is the easiest way to kill feelings. An adage says “when you compare kids, you will beat one to death”. No two people are the same and you can’t expect one to be like another. Honestly, we see women outside and we wish dear wife is just like someone else maybe in terms of dressing, cleanliness, care giving, being romantic, being supportive etc. But we should also know that there are many other things dear wife has that these other women don’t have. And at that age, it is hardly possible to reshape anyone but we can learn to accept what we have.

The other woman: Being a man doesn’t make it right to cheat, honestly. I know that, it is harsh but we know it is true. Yes we might want to argue it is a man’s world but then we should not give what we can’t take. Seriously, we men are the most jealous and yet we expect our wives to live with the fact that we cheat; they will fight back, it is just the natural order of life. The other woman will create a war in our family, it is not worth it especially when we think of all the possible outcomes.

Man conquest mentality: To most men, life is just one conquest after another; “set a goal, achieve it and move to another” syndrome. When we do this with family, we tend to neglect the people we love. Unlike common goals who don’t have feelings, wife does and when you think you have other priorities like making more money at the expense of giving attention to dear wife, you are creating a template for hate.

Getting married is beyond a to-do-list that you achieve and just tick off, marriage is like a seed you plant, you have to keep nurturing it till it fully blossoms and even after that you must always be there to keep it flourishing.

On no account should a man lift his hands against a woman; wife, sister, mother, friend, maid or even stranger. It is against all what being the head stands for, there are many ways to resolve conflicts or punish disobedience. The first to result to violence is always the weakest and that shouldn’t be you, you are better than that. People respond better to dialogue and empathy, those should be your greatest weapons. Love is understanding, that and more is what dear wife really craves for don’t deny her what you willingly promised her before marriage, be the man you have vowed to be.

Share this with a man!

But You Once Loved Her

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Please Don’t Judge Me Wrong

I have my own ways, however they may not be what you are used to but so far they have worked for me. I may not be where you think I should be but trust me, I am not where I used to be. I make my choices and I have learned to live by their consequences. I want to improve but on my own terms, I want to see my dreams come to life but at my own time. Sorry if I come to you as a disappointment but soon you will give testimonies of how you met me.

My methods are not conventional, I don’t use the orthodox approach, being a conformist is not who I am, I may come to you as being lazy but I still get the job done. I may not yield to rules or bind my actions to general principles but I live by my codes. Don’t judge me based on your ideals, you are not the standard I live by. Your truth may not be my truth because we have different facts about living. You and I have a different path to take and a different part to play, so because something works for you doesn’t make it a must for me. I am me!

Don’t judge my faith, my passion, my relationship or my lifestyle they are all part of me, my experience and the way I have come to terms with life. If you truly love me, lead by example and if I am convinced I might follow you. I am not inferior because of the colour of my skin, my background or my level of education, they are no limits to what I can become and I have embraced that fact, so just you know, I have big dreams too.

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Please don’t judge me because I don’t measure up to what you expect, I am still growing and I believe I still have enough time to be who I am destined to be. I have my dreams, I have set my goals, I know my mission, they may not be as big as you might have imagined them but this works for me. They will grow as I grow, they will become bigger as I nurture them and maybe you would come to learn a few things too about starting small.

I love who I am, don’t try to change me, don’t measure me on your own scale of perfection. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be measured but against who I was yesterday and who I can become tomorrow. Just as I have accepted you for who you are, do same for me. Watch me take shape, I will stumble but I will pick myself up, I may have my heart shattered but be sure I will pick up the pieces and move on.

I enjoy it when you share your thoughts with me, I learn and I adjust some things about me but when you pass judgement, the lessons become lost in the resentment. I am like the proverbial square peg in the round hole, I may not fit in but I am indispensable, please don’t judge me wrong.

Please Don’t Judge Me Wrong

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I Hate Him And I Hate Who I Am Becoming

This is a story of a young man who found out he can’t run away from who he is becoming. I will share with you this story as written by this fellow, please read, digest, make your own conclusions and if possible, drop your comments for others to learn from.

Happy reading!

Dear Selah,

Thank you for accepting to share my story. I know this is not where my story ends but I am sure there are many others who are silently going through similar experience and I just want to use mine to give them comfort and let them know they are not alone, the same feel I got when I read your article “I don’t want to be successful”.

I hated my dad because he was never around. He was basically preoccupied with work. We only get to see him once in a month and even when he was around, he was like a terror in the house, no one seems to know how to do anything right, even mom. He provided for us that I cannot lie about, when we needed money he was always there, we had a driver to take us to school and we got the best of things except a daddy. Now my father is old and he wants us around him but there has been a disconnect over the years, that somehow we have not been able to overcome that hatred we had for him while growing up.

Years, gone by now and I am also a father with three kids and I work away from my family. Due to the nature of my job, I only have Sundays to myself and public holidays. I am always away from my young family and I try to make it up to them by providing for all their financial needs. I ensure my kids go to the best school I can afford and my wife too, I try to give her the best, a car of her choice, good monthly allowance even though she works and gifts from time to time just to show her how much she means to me.

Some weeks ago, it was during the Christmas break, I overheard my kids arguing. The youngest was asking the oldest, “who is our daddy?”. This came as a shock to me, is it not obvious? Then the eldest’s response made me shiver, he said, “I think it is that man that comes during holidays”. I could argue all I can that it is because they are still young (8, 6 and 4years) but the truth is I am becoming what my father was to us, “a father and not a dad”.

Selah, that night I had a heart to heart talk with my wife and when she unbottled, I realized money can’t replace being around, and as much as they need comfort, they need me around. Today, I am still trying to find a way round it but I make sure I am around every weekend at least till I am able to find a permanent solution.

I know many families are going through this same issue, I just want to advise fathers like me; money can’t replace your role as a daddy and don’t think your kids will understand because you tell yourself you are doing it because of them. And even when your wife seems understanding, there is a lot bottled up inside of her because nothing can replace you being around.

Thanks for all your articles, selah, you are making a big difference.

I Hate Him And I Hate Who I Am Becoming

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The Waiting Time

I perceive that most of our single girls don’t really know what waiting (singleness) time is all about. What the time should be used for, how much they can invest in themselves at this time and how productive they can be at this time. Little wonder, some jump from one relationship to another at this time or find themselves under pressure to do things they would normally not do.

Your waiting time is the best time for you as a lady to develop yourself. Most ladies these days are desperate to get married ( due to their age and maybe pressure from family and friends), to a certain extent, this is understandable, if you have been at this stage before you would know how difficult families can be but in spite of the pressure you should ask yourself, ‘what am I bringing to the table, what can I offer as a wife?’ Most wait for years jumping from one platform on social media to another, all in searching of a man (it is no longer man searching), putting the cart before the horse, it doesn’t work that way! You have to develop yourself first that’s what your waiting is meant for.

Bible promised every man a woman that is compatible unto him, a woman that will be able to help him in his God given assignment. Does God plan that some remain single forever? I am not sure but I think the answer is NO! However, reality has shown us that most are single and most will remain single because they major in minor; they leave the most important things and focus on the least important ones. To find a man is the easiest thing to do but to find a lasting relationship requires a lot more. Men who are goal getters always look for women who are capable of holding together goals and can manage success. Are you that kind of woman? And if you are that kind of woman, are you willing to let go your ego and submit to love and not fortune?

If you are waiting then you should be able to develop yourself to become an helper, a confidante and an asset to the home. The fear of most men is ending up with a liability. For a lady, self development is key to not being a liability, unless she want to be wife number 4 or 5 or end up as one rich man’s trophy wife. When you don’t have anything to offer even if God is telling a brother about you, that brother will most likely rebuke the vision because nothing about you says you are marriageable. On the other hand when you prepare yourself and you are an asset, if God speaks once, the brother hears Him twice or more because there is a reason to you.

You are like tree, no matter how attractive the leaves are, it will only remain relevant if it bears sweet fruits. What you bring to the table is most relevant not necessarily how much you earn at the moment but how much you have invested in yourself that makes you an asset and not a liability. Ladies please don’t rush into saying “I do”, don’t just agree because you are under pressure, be sure you have what it takes to be in a marriage, spend your waiting time right.

​The Waiting Time

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Getting Too Familiar

It is no longer news that men and women are been killed on a daily basis now by the same people they once exchanged marital vows with. Some men abuse, maltreat even rape the same women they once claimed nothing can come between them, same women that are meant to be supportive pillars to them. Some women ignore their husbands, starve them of sexual pleasures and even use words that can kill destiny on the men they sworn to love till their dying days.

These are not end time signs like most other inexplicable things we tie to end time. These are because we take some things for granted and because we forget our position and obligation as a woman or a man. Not to forget that we are at the age of technology abuse, false liberation, wildering morals and religious recklessness.

In the book of Esther, a Queen called Vashti lost her position because she disobey the King’s instruction in the presence of the maids. I am sure, if she had done same thing while alone with the king, the result would have been different. The king never had the plan of having another wife, but the queen’s attitude brought about the second wife.

He is your husband, but don’t get too familiar with him to the point of bringing him down or disrespecting him in the public.

Never get too familiar with him or her to the point of washing his or her dirty linen outside. Neither of you is perfect, but your attitude in correcting the wrong of one another speaks a volume. You correct in love, not for attention or ridiculing.

Wife, you are powerful, more powerful than you will ever know, but please learn to use your power in bringing unity and peace into your home. What binds you together is more than the love you professed, you have exchanged vows and it is for better and for worse; through the good times and the bad times. Those side chicks are taking what belongs to you because they know the key to his heart, just like you used to know but too busy with life to remember. Sometimes to respect him is all you need to make things right, then correct him after he is calm.

Husband, as a man, you hold the key to stop external influence on your home. Never walk out on your home because you think it is her fault, please build trust! When she is wrong, please let your means of correcting her be love, compassion and respect. Those side chicks maybe a temporary solution but for how long? Your home should always come first, should be your priority, the blessings that come with a good home and a happy wife is too much to lose because of temporary gratifications.

Esther became a Queen and all her enemies became a thing of the past because she had someone called Mordecai, she took counsel from. Do you have someone you take counsel from regarding your relationship (I mean Godly counsel)? The best way to see far is to stand on the shoulders of those ahead of you. When they advise based on God’s instruction please take to it, remember, Esther’s blessings were in Mordecai’s instructions to her.

You can join our Relationship Counseling via WhatsApp group by just one click, no questions asked and it is absolutely free.

Link Here: Relationship WhatsApp Group

Remember, don’t get too familiar that you become disrespectful to your spouse in public or before your children, maids or friends. Don’t get used to him or her that you begin to take him or her for granted. Don’t ignore your spouse’s feelings, their need to express how they feel and to be loved. Happy home is an ongoing process, we never stop being committed, and we keep pressing till we grow old together.

Getting Too Familiar

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