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Act of Listening

Listening is the ability to accurately receive and interpret messages in the communication process. Listening is the key to all effective communications. Without the ability to Listen effectively, messages are easily misunderstood.

Listen with curiosity. Speak with honesty. Act with integrity. The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words.
– Roy T. Bennett

A successful marriage is a marriage between two great listeners.

God is not a God of confusion, He created things based on their importance. It was not an error that He gave us two ears and one mouth.

Our ears are for hearing (listening), and our mouth for talking. God expects us to listen more than we speak.

James 1 vs 19 “My beloved brethren let every man / woman be Swift(quick) in hearing and slow to speak. There is dignity in listening.

When you lack the ability to hear more than you speak, you end up speaking in anger and most times you speak negative things.

Little wonder Proverb 18vs 21 says ” Death and life are in the power of tongue (mouth). Most of us are the reason behind our husband/wife/children struggling because at every little provocation you sow a seed of death into his/her life/business through you tongue.

“Don’t mix bad words with your bad mood. You’ll have many opportunities to change a mood, but you’ll never get the opportunity to replace the words you spoke.”

Listen more and talk less. Any word not spoken cannot be used against you, but a spoken word cannot be retrieve.

Your wisdom is measure by the degree of word you speak, so also your foolishness.

Never use your mouth to pull down your home, rather build it with your mouth.

Act of Listening

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THE BREADWINNER

One of the major reasons for crisis at homes and/or in marriages is assigning roles and responsibilities. Society has taught us what a man should do at home and what he should not do (same goes for women).

Who should ‘win the bread’ for the family?

Our society has taught us that it is the responsibility of the man to provide all that the family needs to survive, but like I always say the best person to tell you how a product will work best is the manufacturer (every other person will only give you their best guess).

Marriage was ordained by God making Him(God) the only one who can give us the most practicable instruction/ guide on how it works.

In the book of Genesis 1 vs 27, Bible says ” So God created man in His own image and He created them male and Female ” at this point man was perfect and has all it takes to provide for the house without failing in anyway.

But in Genesis 2 vs 21, God caused Adam to sleep and Eve was removed, so Adam can be helped.

Adam became “imperfect” and can no longer provide all that is required to run a home. Some of the things needed were deposited with the woman, while others remained with the man.

We carry different grace to function in the marriage!

God himself decided to make some women more comfortable financially than their husbands ( not because the man is Lazy). Will it not be unfair on God’s part, if He is asking a man to provide what was not given to him?

Little wonder He(God) said both the man and the woman shall become one and must operate as one in all their dealings.

Man can cook, if he is better than his wife in that aspect, woman can provide the bread( if financially better than the man). Let me also point out this fact that irrespective of who is doing what, it is wisdom for the couple to know they are actually an instrument in God’s hand to build a happy home. The provider of the bread is God and may choose whosoever He pleases to provide through.

Come to think of it, all that Adam and Eve needed to survive was provided by God( the breadwinner), He only ask Adam to take charge on what to be touched and what not to be touched (Leadership).

Most will quote 1 Timothy 5 vs 8 here saying ‘Any man who cannot provide for his House is worst than an unbeliever’. What Bible expects a man to provide here is Leadership (1 Corinthians 11 vs 3-5) God expects you to Lead the family not only by word of mouth or backing orders but by examples in action and devotion to making your home a happy one.

Live as one and never allow the society to rule your home. Embrace the role you find yourself within the capacity God has given you. Don’t exploit your partner’s weakness, rather compensate, complete and complement your partner by all means possible. You are one, live as such and build a home that everyone in the family wants to come back to.

THE BREADWINNER

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A Lil’ Help!

As Leslie watched the pregnancy test stick on the bathroom counter, she couldn’t help but silently pray it was positive. That would be a whole lot of weight and stress off her shoulders.

It wasn’t like she and her husband Kane, were old or (have been) searching for a long time. In fact, their marriage was barely six months old and neither Kane nor their families was pestering her for a child. Yet, she knew she needed to be pregnant at all cost.

The alarm clock on her phone vibrated, signifying the end of the five minutes wait. She held her breath and gently peeked at the test. She couldn’t help the sudden rush of disappointment that filled her when she realised it was negative. She angrily pushed the stick and every other thing on the counter away.

She sank to her knees and gently placed herself on the bathroom floor as she cried silently. She couldn’t help but think about why it was very necessary for her to get pregnant. She needed it as an excuse for her husband to stop wanting her or touching her sexually.

To her surprise, Mary did not blame her. Mary had understood, even more than she had thought was possible. It was such a great relief.

No, she did not despise her husband. On the contrary, she had grown to love Kane, yet it was pretty difficult to make love to her husband. Each time, she had to think of something else, or in her case, someone else. She didn’t know why, but Kane’s touch repulsed her even though in her head she knew she loved him.

The problem had started in her final year in the University. She had been a victim of a gang rape, which led to bouts of depression afterwards. It did not help that her friend and roommate blamed her for walking at night even though she had been on her way to class to read. She had felt so useless and she never thought she would ever have anything to do with sex again.

Then she met Mary during her NYSC days. Mary was her roommate in the lodge they were given by the company they served. Mary had quickly noticed her skittish nature around guys. After much pressure, she finally caved and told Mary about her experience. To her surprise, Mary did not blame her. Mary had understood, even more than she had thought was possible. It was such a great relief.

Then Mary started becoming nicer, extra loving, attentive and most of all, extra touchy. At first, it was all strange but then she started enjoying it. The little touches became frequent hugs, cuddles then it advanced to pecks. She was very ready when Mary finally introduced her to full blown sexual activities. Mary told her only a fellow woman would ever understand her body and make her feel that much pleasure.

It wasn’t that he was a sex addict, but he had stayed faithful for a whole year of courtship and now, he had to remain celibate in marriage?

After service, she was retained by the company and Mary left, though she would occasionally come over for visits and other things. Then her parents introduced her to Kane who had just been called to Bar and had joined his Father’s chambers as a young Barrister. Both parents had high expectations for them and they did not disappoint because they got married after a year.

Then things became strained when after a month, she still hadn’t let her husband touch her even after making him wait all through their courtship days. It wasn’t like she didn’t love him, she did. A whole lot. Yet, she couldn’t get turned on by him sexually until she had to resort to thinking about Mary and their past escapades.

Things went back to normal for a while until she started finding Kane’s sexual appetite too much for her man-hating body to handle, which was why she needed to get pregnant ASAP. That way, she’ll be safe from his touch for nine months.

Leslie knew she was in serious trouble, she had researched it and the internet had called her bisexual. How was she supposed to get over this when her husband was slowly becoming colder and slipping from her grasp?

***

Kane sighed as he stared at the files the pretty secretary just dropped on his table. His thoughts weren’t there at all. A glimpse of the petite secretary’s cleavage had stirred something in him. He shook his head and stared at the shiny wedding band on his finger to clear his rampaging thoughts.

Kane explained everything to his Dad, who listened without any interruptions. After he let his son talk, he finally responded.

“You said it does not seem like she’s cheating?”

Ever since his wife had decided to limit their sex life to once or when he’s lucky, twice in a month, he had had to resort to crazy sexual thoughts. It wasn’t that he was a sex addict, but he had stayed faithful for a whole year of courtship and now, he had to remain celibate in marriage?

Leslie considered his sexual appetite too excessive and uncalled for. Sometimes, he caught her expression when he tried to be all romantic and touchy, and he could tell it was usually one of repulsion. She had become so secretive and moody that Kane didn’t know what to do anymore because no matter how much he pressed her to talk, she would never say anything. It seemed her friend, Mary, was even more interesting than he was to her because he could tell his wife showed more life and enthusiasm whenever Mary was around.

A light tap on his desk jarred him from his jumbled thoughts. It was his Dad looking at him with concerned eyes. The older man quietly drew a chair and sat down in front of his son, neither men speaking for a while.

“I have noticed this new far-away look on you for a while now. Is everything okay? Is Leslie giving you trouble?” The older man asked.

She had refused to talk in their first two visits but this third time, she had broken down and started crying when the therapist asked “Are you a lesbian?”

“Hmm Dad. I don’t know what to do anymore. I swear, I don’t. I am so lost and confused, what does she want?” Kane rambled.

“Calm down son and start from the beginning. What is the problem?”

Kane explained everything to his Dad, who listened without any interruptions. After he let his son talk, he finally responded.

“You said it does not seem like she’s cheating?”

“She comes home immediately after work, she only hangs out when Mary is around and they don’t stay out late. She doesn’t lock her phone neither does she fight nor neglect house chores. She just doesn’t want me near her, that’s the problem.” Kane confessed.

“Hmm. This seems like a very serious issue. Since she’s refusing to talk to you, no matter how much you press her, I’ll advise you get her to seek professional help. I’ll give you a number. It’s my friend’s. He is a psychologist and marriage counselor. I am sure he can help you.”

***

As Kane listened to his wife spill out her guts to the therapist after their third visit, he couldn’t help but feel so sorry for her. She had refused to talk in their first two visits but this third time, she had broken down and started crying when the therapist asked “Are you a lesbian?”

Leslie had thought she was bisexual because she looked at the therapist and said “Maybe I’m Bi.”

“No, Leslie, you’re not homosexual. You were just temporarily confused because your body needed a form of sexual outlet and since it wasn’t responding to men after what you went through, it only made sense for it to respond to the one person that understood your plight.”

The woman advised Leslie to try and stay away from Mary for a while, and she needed to realise, men are not evil. Not all men will hurt her. She also had to forgive herself and stop feeling worthless, but she had to go through this journey with her husband so that a new bond could be formed.

“Don’t rush it Leslie. Take it one step at a time. Find out why you chose Kane to go on this life long journey with you. You also need a Lil prayer every now and then. It will not hurt to commit everything in God’s hands. You might just be surprised at how much everything else will fall in place. Also, advise Mary to come see me. She also needs help.”

***

Leslie is now a proud mother of two and she couldn’t have been any happier with the man who fathered them. All she needed was someone to show her the best path and everything worked out just fine.

© Oluwaseun Wende, 2017

Seun is a 200 level student of Medicine and Surgery, Ambrose Alli University, Ekpoma. Edo State, Nigeria. She is also a creative writer and blogger…

Visit her Webpage for more

Bea’s Aloe (Best of Stories)

A Lil’ Help!

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SEX AND MARRIAGE

The only thing you uniquely share with your spouse that you don’t share with anyone else is sex. So sex is the only thing that sets you and your spouse apart from simply being roommates. It’s a vital part of marriage.

Not only does sex set you and your spouse apart from simply being roommates, it also requires a deeper level of communication that you don’t normally do with just anyone. Sex requires you to talk to each other about intimate, emotional things. For example, to have a truly intimate experience with your spouse, you need to tell your spouse where you like to be touched, and make requests for certain things. This requires that you both feel a comfort level with each other that you’ve never felt with anyone else before. It requires both of you to become very vulnerable by asking, receiving and giving sexually. And it requires you to reach a deeper level of trust that your spouse will respond to your requests without judgment.

Sexual intimacy in marriage is sacred, beautiful and good. It is the deepest level of intimacy you and your spouse can share. In fact, ‘making love’ is such an intense bonding experience that the Bible refers to it as “becoming one flesh.”

The truth is, God ordained sexual intercourse as a way to foster unity in marriage. If handled properly, what this means is that sexual intimacy has the power to create intense physical, emotional and spiritual bonds between you and your spouse.

Part of the challenge, however, is that the man and the woman have different attitudes to sex. This is one of the reasons sex is a sore point in some marriages. It is therefore little wonder many couples are more tolerant with their sex lives than they are satisfied.

Although there is no magic number that can tell couples how often they should have sex, it is important for couples to discuss their needs openly with their partners and negotiate a relationship that meets both of their needs. While having sex less than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is generally considered average.

It is also important to understand that lack of enough sex in marriage can have grievous consequences:

When there is a major disconnect in the sex lives of couples, intimacy at all levels tends to drop. Lack of sexual intimacy will further draw couples apart and make it difficult for them to handle other less serious problems.

People in sexless marriages are less happy in their unions and more likely to consider divorce.

It has also been found that infidelity in marriage is sometimes a result of a partner not getting enough sex at home. The partner who is not getting enough is tempted to look outside for his/her sexual needs (although this should never be considered as an option or condoned).question is: If sex is so important, and naturally pleasurable, as indeed it is, why is it that some couples struggle in that aspect of their lives?

FACTORS AFFECTING A HEALTHY SEX LIVES IN MARRIAGE.

1. PHYSICAL FACTOR

a. Fatigue
Fatigue resulting from too much work. If husband and wife work long hours, there is less interest in sex. The demands of work and home rob people of their energy. This is often the case when husband and wife work round the clock to earn good salaries.

b. Routine and boredom
After about five years of marriage issues crop up in the marriage: loans/debts, school fees, frustrations at work, house maintenance and chores etc. Husband and wife settle into a home routine that almost always does not include sex. When they were just married, sex was more frequent. The sex was still great before the children started coming, but when more pressing problems come up, sex goes to the bottom rung of the ladder.

c. Medical condition.
Husband or wife develops a medical condition that could significantly lessen their sex drive, either from the condition itself or from the effects of the medication.
Men especially have this issue with performance problems such as premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction, but women also can have issues such as loss of feeling after childbirth and changes to the female reproductive system that can make sexual intercourse unbearable.

2. EMOTIONAL FACTORS

Couples may have unresolved differences that prevent them from enjoying sex together.

Unhealthy attitudes about sex. One spouse may have been raised to think that sex is more of a duty than something to derive pleasure from.

3. CULTURAL FACTORS

Cultural differences could affect the quality and frequency of sex between mixed-marriage couples.

4. PSYCHOLOGICAL FACTORS.
Deeply-seated psychological problems that make sex impossible. These could be anxiety, fear, or being a rape or incest victim in the past.
Other hindrances to sex in marriage include a job loss, a death in the family, or financial difficulties. Infidelity on the part of one spouse could also lead to the loss of interest in being intimate. Trust issues are also a factor.

Now, a lot of problems can also arise from a terrible sexual history. Some who were sexually abused in childhood become frigid, even when they are married; some become sexually wild and insatiable. Naturally speaking, this can affect people throughout their lifetime. But it shouldn’t. What you should do in such instances is talk to a professional counselor or pastor about it. Most importantly, talk to God, allow His Word heal your mind.
Now, if you are having sex with someone who is not your wife or husband, this is the time to break off that relationship because could destroy your marriage faster. And if your unfaithfulness in the past is constituting a hindrance to your having sexual fulfillment in marriage, then genuinely ask God for forgiveness and move on.

If you are married and your sex life is not as great as it should be, here are some for sexual intimacy.

TIPS FOR SEXUAL INTIMACY

1. Shun selfishness.
Sex is not just about you, it also about (and I dare say, much more about) your spouse. So get out of that ‘selfish mode’ and begin to place the needs of your spouse above your own.

2. Understand your differences.
God wired the man and the woman differently, so this affects their sexual desires and the way they handle sex generally. Together, you and your spouse can make the best of your differences.

3. Learn to forgive.
Resolve any lingering issues in your relationship that have not been dealt with properly.

4. Keep the fire of romance burning.
Sex is better and more rewarding when the ‘environment’ and accompaniment are right. With your husband or wife, constantly look for and embrace new and exciting ways to make your love and sex lives better and God-honouring.

5. Keep the communication line open.
It has been discovered that couples who talk over their sex lives (as well as other aspects of their marriages) tend to have healthier marriages. So learn to talk things over with your spouse.

6. Make time for rest and relaxation.
Today, many work very hard in pursuit of money and the good things of life, but so readily put off working on their relationships. We must understand that if there is no intimate bond between spouses, all that hard work is ultimately unfulfilling. The loss of our relationship can have deep consequences. So make out time for your spouse—just for relaxation.

7. Constantly pray for opportunities to ‘connect’ with your spouse.
Never neglect prayers in seeking solutions to sexual issues with your spouse. You will be amazed that praying together and ‘breaking bread’ can remove obstacles to sexual intimacy.
Now, God wired us with a sex drive, and this is one of the most powerful forces man can experience.
However, like fire, when it is not contained and controlled, it becomes a damaging and destructive force.
May your sex be a pleasurable, relationship building and edifying experience in your marriage now and always. Amen.

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SEX AND MARRIAGE

Fundamental of an Healthy Marriage

Fundamental of an Healthy Marriage

Marriage is God sanctioned; it is an institution God initiated immediately after creating all that He created. God allowed marriage because it is the only institution capable of solving the complex society problems. If education was the solution, God would have raised Professors from the Garden of Eden, if it was politics, He would have raised politicians from inception, if it was religion, God would have raised Pastor and Imams from Eden but instead of all of these, God raised a family. Note this, if we all raise healthy and Godly families this world will be a better place for us all.

For us to raise a godly family, we must understand the role expected of us as a man or as a woman in marriage.

Genesis 1 vs 26: God created man in His own image, in the image of God created He Him; male and female created he them. I want us to at this point put up our thinking cap, God said he created He him, and also said He created them male and female. This means that it was not only man that was created at this point, a woman was also created. If we proceed a bit to Gen 2 vs 18, God says : And the Lord God said, “it is not good that man should be alone, I will make him an helper suitable for him(NIV). Looking at this, it could be interpreted that man that was created in Genesis 1 vs 26 was alone, but this is contrary to the word ” He created them male and female”. Genesis 2 vs 21: So the Lord cause the man to fall into a deep sleep; then took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place 22, the Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man and brought her to the man.

Get this, in Gen 1vs 26, God created them male and female, but the female could not be seen physically because she was still inside the man (except God was lying in verse 26, but you and I know He is not man that He would lie). Her being inside of a man hindered her from fulfilling the purpose for which she was created, so in Gen 2vs 18 – 22, she was brought out of the man into a physical state and her assignment was to help the man in fulfilling destiny; not as a servant or second-class object but as an helper, contributor or partner; even though the area of help was not mentioned.

You agree with me that you can only seek help in your area of weakness and not in your area of strength, right? So He carefully said, “an help mate suitable for you“. Your own weakness may be in areas orderliness and He will give you a woman that is orderly, yours may be financial instability and He will provide you a woman that is financially stable to fulfill the assignment given to you. It is shallow mindedness, when some women say they can’t part with their money to finance their home. You as a man may be grace in the area of cooking, and you have a wife that is weak in that area, you will have to help out, because God won’t give you what you have, an helper will always come in the form of who you need to be complete.

When God gives you the rib of your side in form of a woman, He expects both of you to become one entity, with each one playing his or her own part in that entity and that is when the promise of favour from Him(God) comes to be.

Understand this, when the man and the woman become one, and go back to the original way it was before the woman was remove from the man (working in synergy as an entity), that is when God’s promises concerning marriage are made to manifest. It is like buying a new phone, the phone is always packed separately from the battery, the charger and the other accessories but you are expected to put the battery in the place designed for it by the manufacturer, in the phone to enjoyed the phone, so also is your wife, you need to place her where God has commanded you to place her (a place of love and honour) before you can enjoy her role in your life.

Women, your help to your husband is not limited to cooking and caring for the kids, as Bible says help comparable unto you, is help in the area of your strengths and his weaknesses. So also men.

God bless you Union.

What You Need to Know About Marriage

What You Need to Know About Marriage

Is Marriage a blessed or cursed institution?

Marriage is an institution ordained by God. The most important institution in the whole world. Marriage can be a blessing and also a curse depending on the foundation on which it is build. There are principles guiding everything in life (including marriage). When the principle and the foundation are faulty, then marriage become a Curse instead of a blessing.

Are you single? Planning to say I DO soon? Then you need to know these principles. Are you married, but presently in hell? You can make it work today by learning and applying those principles. Are you enduring yours? That is not the Father’s will for you. Marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not endured. We live in a world where we go through a lot as male and female, to run our homes and pay our bills our homes are meant to be a place of rest not a place of enduring.

If you agree that marriage was founded by God with the union of Adam and Eve, then you will also agree with me that the principles that would lead to a successful marriage can only be found in God’s teachings. After all, only the maker of a device has the authentic manual. Society and trends might try to modify, redefine or even give us a cosmetic idea of what is ideal but so long as you are not ashamed to use the original manual from the founder of marriage, you will have a beautiful home.

God created man and said it is not good for man to be ALONE and so woman was made. Marriage was not designed to be a lonely journey, where husband run his own race and the woman runs hers. The race in marriage is a joint race, where no one should Lord over the other.

Woman, you are meant to respect your husband and husband love your wife. God gave this instruction because He knew that most men are stronger than most women physically and may want to Lord over her, but when you love her as instructed, the love won’t make you Lord over her. As a wife or wife to be, you should be careful of the company you keep and what and who you listen to for advise.

Can two walk together except they agree? Agreement between husband and wife is key. Marriage is coming together of two adults, and not coming together of two adult and there parents, siblings, nieces, nephews and co. Every marriage should be between two adults and not the entire nation. No two situations are same, so also marriages. Your marriage is not expected to be compared to another.

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Love is Unconstitutional But Trust is Earned

I was talking to a friend, a young lady, and she said to me, “Selah, if he loves me then he ought to trust me”. At first I said ” sure!” but on second thought asked myself, how realistic is that?

I understand many relationship texts, speakers and writers are of the opinion that love and trust should go in the same sentence but in reality, it rarely works like that. We generally want to expect a lover to also trust but here is the twist, when someone is really in love with you, there is every tendency that the person becomes a ‘little’ jealous, do you agree? (I know I am but not obsessed, though). If you agree, then you must also agree that the element of jealousy, no matter how small it is, has an underlining root called “trust issues”. 

Now let’s agree on one more thing, love is unconditional (I am sure you are nodding your head now), yes! true love should be unconditional, not based on materials, assets, body structure, personality, status or gifts (even though these are major factors we have to consider before agreeing to marriage). You can love someone the first time you set your eyes on them, that is the nature of love, it is a gift you give to someone else most times in hope that they give it back to you, using same measure but not always necessarily so. However, trust on the other hand, has to be earned and most times after it is earned, it can also be lost. Quick example, a mother loves her kids, but some times you hear her say ” I don’t trust my kids with my phone”, and if you ask her why, you will find out it is based on her past experiences with the kids. Trust is based on individual’s past experiences and current events, and to be trustworthy partners must prove their worthiness.

How to build trust?

1. Good communication: Talk to one another about everything. About the guy eyeing you in your office, about the new friend you just made, about the lady in your class who is always chatty around you and so on. Be as open as possible, in fact be an open book to your partner. You don’t have to necessarily talk about your exes in details, in fact most guys don’t like that ‘talk’ and might even fuel trust issues but be as open as humanly possible. No keeping secretes, be transparent.

Scenario: Somehow a lady in a perfect relationship mistakenly kissed a friend (guy) in a moment of adrenaline rush. Now she is wondering if she should tell her boyfriend about this mishap or keep it to herself? 

2. Share itinerary: Exchange daily itinerary, let him or her have a rough idea of where you will be at a particular time, not saying everywhere you want to stop at but at least an idea of what your day is going to look like. Most girls want to be able to say, “it is 5pm, my guy should be at the gym or church rehearsal” and same goes for guys. This is not your guy or girl monitoring your movement, it is about him or her being able to vouch for your movement.

3. Be truthful: The quickest way to have someone trust you is to be truthful at all (most) times. Lies might save a face some of the time but the truth will save a face all the time. Let your “A” be confirmed as “A”, if you know you are in a scenario where the truth can wreck more havoc, I always suggest silence. The easiest way to destroy a relationship is to build it on lies. Tell your partner the truth and whatever you know you can’t share with your partner, DON’T DO IT!

Scenario response: You need to understand who your partner is, how he or she responds to issues, best time to talk to him or her and how stable your partner is emotionally. These are the key factors that determine whether or not, you have to share. However, this predicament is avoidable, remember “whatever you know you can’t share with your partner, DON’T DO IT!”

4. Be Yourself: The only way you can be consistent is if you are yourself. Don’t try to be what or who you are not, if your partner finds fault, he or she would correct and probably be able to vouch for you but when you are fake, you become inconsistent and inarticulate. When someone is not articulate, people find it had to trust them. Even though they are telling the truth, their body language and inconsistencies keeps giving them off as lairs.

5. Have common friends: This honestly would prevent more than half of trust issues in relationships. Having private friends especially of the opposite sex can easily stir up trust issues. Even when there is really nothing to it, when you start spending more time with a person of the opposite sex who is not a common friend,  you obviously are given reasons not to be trusted. Whoever wants to be your friend and not the friend of your partner, is worth avoiding. 

Scenario conclusion: Not telling your partner means you are keeping a secret and once you are able to keep one away from him or her, you will eventually keep many. However, sharing will get the load of guilt off you but here are the two possibilities 1. Your partner trusts you that you don’t hide things from him or her or 2. Your partner can’t trust you with person of opposite sex because another accident might happen again. It takes wisdom to do the right thing. An octogenarian once told me, if by accident you get your shirt stained with another lady’s lipstick, wash it off first then when you get home, you can joke about it with your wife, if not, any other way, won’t be a joke at all. Always apply WISDOM!

Premarital Sex… Why Not!?!

Premarital Sex… Why Not!?!

Often times the biggest question asked in relationship is, “is it right to have sex before marriage?” and my answer would always be “why not?”. Religiously, there might be several pointers to otherwise but in truth none actually gave us reasons why it is forbidden…thou shall not defile the bed, thou shall not fornicate etc yes! we get it but why not!?!

Sex is like cravings; similar to your cravings for chocolate, ice cream, alcohol, assorted foods etc and some times we just want to indulge ourselves and satisfy our desires while other times we want to deny ourselves and tell those cravings we are still in control.

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I have heard, read and in fact given several reasons why sex before marriage is not a bad idea and the truth is, ladies and guys, most especially, come up with new ones everyday. Some reasons are founded while others are just circumstantial.

Here are some common reasons for premarital sex and my take on them;
* Some guys claim without sex they have this incurable stomachache. This is unfounded, sex has nothing to do with the ache. The stomachache boils from their desire to yield to an addiction. Just like an addict saying he can’t think straight without drugs or a drunk saying he can’t be okay without a bottle… Just excuses the body gives to get what it wants.

* Some guys say, “since we are ‘sure’ we will get married, there is nothing wrong with having sex”. I agree to this but on one condition, if the “sure” is 100%, then why not? But sadly, even people who are engaged are not 100% sure of marriage. So I doubt, if people who still have at least a year before marriage can be really really sure.

* Some ladies say, they don’t want to end up with a man that can’t satisfy their sexual thirst. Again, this is another very excellent point. Sex is an important part of marriage, if you can’t get someone that matches your appetite, it could mean infidelity in marriage. But then, you only know you like one ‘food’ more than another because you have tasted more than one ‘food’. Now let’s say for some reasons you have tasted more than one ‘food’, the dilemma is, no matter what you have and how sweet it is, you will always have that feeling that there is something sweeter out there… and we are back to infidelity.

*Some guys say sex is a proof of love. To this I don’t agree; not everyone we love, we demand sex from. We love our parents and siblings and yet incest has (in normal cases) never crossed our minds. Sex is not a measure of love, not a measure of feelings and definitely not a seal for emotions.

*Some ladies say, “it seems that should hold him down”. This is laughable and I am sure deep down, no smart girl would think that would work, except the target is being a baby mama (that is reigning these days though). Well in case you need to hear it again, “you can’t hold a man down with sex nor can you tie him down with pregnancy!”. He only stays because he wants to.

Pregnancies, STDs, STIs etc no longer qualify as reasons to stay off premarital sex, if you ask me, even adolescents know the importance of sheaths, so I won’t bore you with that but then I still believe giving out one’s body requires a second thought. So, here are reasons why I think it is worth a deep thought and time in decision, before sex is agreed to, premaritally. Like I said I am not against it but I just have my reservations for these reasons, especially from ladies point of view.

1. Insurance Policy: Most times why ladies are so emotional and heart broken after a relationship break-up is because they felt they have been cheated or robbed. To a lady sex is like a gift of trust, while to a guy it is more like handshake. So not giving sex is actually the insurance policy, even if he leaves, you have lost nothing and if he stays you have gained everything.

2. Bragging Right: Men are born to brag and sex happens to fall into one of the things they brag about especially if they are done with the relationship. As a lady, you don’t want to walk pass, when friends of your ex are laughing because that will always make you wonder, if they were laughing at you. But when you know you haven’t been bedded by him, you really don’t care if their laughter turns to laughter-fest.

3. Personal Pride: A man can, at anytime, claim he has never had sex, this is hardly possible for a lady. There is this pride that comes with giving virginity, it makes a lady feels like a queen giving up her royalty for love,  now imagine that feeling on a wedding night…priceless I must say.

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Sex is a great act, with lots of medical, emotional, physical and spiritual benefits but the timing must be perfect because it is a gift you cannot take back. No matter what time you decide to share this feeling with someone, be double sure you know what you are doing.

WHAT’S WORTH LOOKING FOR?

WHAT’S WORTH LOOKING FOR?

“While growing up, I wanted just anything in skirt until a time when I wanted more, a bit of beauty and more of exposure. When it was time to get serious, I wanted someone perfect but what I got is what I needed, I wasn’t sure again what I wanted”. Pa Adeyemi answered.

It was a day after Pa and Ma Adeyemi’s 45th wedding anniversary and we were seated on the verandah cooling off; the Sun had been on a revenge mission all day. I had been asking series of questions from the old couple, how they met and a bit about their early days. It was mama’s turn to answer,

“I was your complete town girl, the kind to rundown men and still wanted more,  and it took me a while to discover myself. I thought good looks, fiesta and fashion were all I needed to find a ring, but thank God I learned what I am about to share with you today,  because they made me a better person you know today”. And the she began;

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Many a time in life, we think we are sure of what we want but we are just living what life needs us to be, to keep its own balance. Our basic assumptions are that blending with trend will get us the attention of the opposite sex but what we fail to realize is, our life changes everyday and a time will come, when all that glitters won’t matter again, even when they are precious stones. People will trade gold for peace of mind, beauty for brain and trend for love. Don’t bother about what you think the other sex will like, just give them what is worth looking for! Here are few of the things I learned:

1 Appearance: It is true that appearance shows the manner but it is not so that we could change our appearances to please the world. What you wear defines who you are at first glance and no matter your content, people will not allow you to present it unless you look presentable. Expose your body all you can, it will only attract the ones who are like Pa Adeyemi in his early days, going after anything in skirt (a mischievous smile on Mama Adeyemi’s face) but when the realization of time dawns on them, they will dump you like a dress out of fashion.

2 Independence: ‘Done’ are the days when a family survive on the initiative of one of the parent. Family is couple inclusive now. Nobody wants a partner who cannot make decisions on the go,  especially when it is survival based. People want partners that they can leave the affairs of the family to when they need to be away. Like I said dear, trade beauty for brain, that’s the slogan of the ready to marry type. Both partners must bring something to the table gone are the days when the lady is allowed to come empty handed.

3 Emotion: Human Psychology have shown us that often times females are more emotional than their male counterparts, so this is more of a feminine matter. Men naturally get drawn in by tears and the tenderness that comes with it but they also begin to feel distressed when it becomes excessive. Naturally, crying doesn’t solve any problem, it only prevents us from gearing up to face our problems. While it is human to cry when unfortunate things happen, let’s learn to find solace in our partner, stand to our feet and find solution to whatever the issue is. Men love women that can turn things around with minimum help from outsiders.

4 Tidiness: It is no secret that it takes the two in a marriage to build a tidy home. A woman needs to be neat and tidy however for men they may be neat but tidy men are rare. When a woman comes across a tidy man, trust me it’s already a bus stop, all things being equal! Men naturally like tidy women to complement for something they are obviously lacking. Often times, we ladies think men don’t take note of our efforts to make sure the house is tidy, though they may not comment when it is clean, their expression when it is messy says volume. Unfortunately, I had friends lose their men because they are not clean-conscious and I had friends leave men because they can’t cope with a pig, seriously my boy, it goes both ways.

5 Maturity: This is important especially when you are already in a serious relationship. It is part of what determines if the wedding bells will ring or not. No one, either male or female can deal with excessive childishness. While it is permissible for a lady to show childishness sometimes (sentimental and attention seeking), it is completely unacceptable for men. Women need to have a feel of protection and security when around their men. To a daughter, daddy is meant to be a superhero,  someone who can fix anything; from a broken toy to a broken heart. To a wife, the husband is meant to be the “macho” who can protect and provide. No one can feel secured around someone who hasn’t secured himself. Immaturity is a turn-off, in serious relationships.

6 Control: Science is right, we are all animals (as derogatory as this assertion may sound). What distinguish us however from “lower” animals is our control over “our world”. People want to add value to their lives through their partners and these affect their choice as they tend to avoid people who don’t have control over things like anger, sex drive, emotions, words, excesses, and character. That’s why you see some beautiful ladies in their 40s and still searching, men want ladies that have both good looks and inner beauty, and why you see men who are unnecessarily violent and abusive. My son, this is the part people tend to hide a lot but if you are very observant it is as clear as crystal.  Some women believe they can change men who can’t control themselves but experiences had shown that the success rate is negligible. So control is key.

7 Human Relationship: Asides sensual relationship even companies require good human relationship from their workers. The truth is, we are drawn to people with good human relationship. Good Interpersonal relationship goes a long way to assure your partner you will be welcoming towards their families and friends. Men and women want partners who are warm and receptive, you don’t want to introduce your partner and the next thing, civil war is unleashed. So yes! This is very important and I must confess, it’s one of the reasons I fell for your Grandpa. I come from this large family where each person’s opinion matters but your grandpa has a way of melting hearts. She concluded.

As she rounded off, (of course it was now very late), Pa Adeyemi teased her saying “you forgot to add that I was irresistible then” and we all laughed.

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I was so delighted to share from her wealth of wisdom, it seriously changed my idea of criteria for choosing life partner, how to be a better person and how to be a desired partner. I had to share with you because I don’t want to be selfish and I have faith you will share with others too. Cheers!

Aremu-ibraheem A. Adefabiola.
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Virtue of Patience

Virtue of Patience

Ama in her frustration, screamed back at them saying “I should Leave him? Have you forgotten my age? I am 35, how many men will want to marry an old hag?” Ama was a beautiful young lady, her father James was a Ghanaian who came to Nigeria to work and met Ayoni, her mother. They fell in love, got married and they had two kids Ama and Kojo. When Ama was twelve (12) and Kojo was eight (8) their dad fell sick and died, and since then their mother had done her best to make sure the two of them never lacked anything.

Ama graduated as a nurse and got a good job at a university teaching hospital with a comfortable pay but there was just one problem, men issues. Ama had been disappointed by different men in her life, so when she met Joe though she knew he was not what she wanted, she was desperate enough to take whatever is available. She felt she was not getting any younger, more so, all her friends were already married with kids. When she introduced Joe to her mum, she was sceptical about him and she advised Ama to be patient and not rush things but Ama wouldn’t hear of that. 

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One day when she was going out with Joe, she came across an old classmate,  Paul. She was so excited that she forgot Joe had warned her about male friends, it was with that joy that she ran off and hugged Paul. When she was done exchanging pleasantries with him, she introduced him to Joe, “Paul meet my fiance, Joe!”. In response, Joe gave her a dirty (brain re-setting) slap and walked out on her. She was left so embarrassed and humiliated that she bursted to tears, Paul tried begging her but she pushed him away and ran after Joe.

When she got home, she told her mother and  her best friend Diana the story, they both advised her to break up with him. Ama in her frustration, screamed back at them saying “I should Leave him? Have you forgotten my age? I am 35, how many men will want to marry an old hag?” Diana however tried to calm her down,  “Ama, you need to be patient, your own man will come”.  That statement  got Ama even more infuriated, (Ama now facing Diana), “Diana, all my friends are married with kids including you and I have become the official Chief Bridesmaid even to younger sisters and cousins. Listen I’m not going to break up with Joe. It was just a stupid mistake and he has apologized, so let me be, more so he was just being protective because he loves me”.

“A man who slapped you while courting will beat you up when he finally marries you. Marriage is too long to endure abuse and molestation whether physically or emotionally because in the end it will cost one or more lives. Ama be patient, don’t rush things” those were the exact words of her mother. At that point Ama stood up hissed and walked out.

Ama got married to Joe and barely 6 months into the marriage Joe started misbehaving. He would beat her up at the slightest provocation or mistake. Everyday was hell, she wished she had listened to her mother and Diana, if only she was just patient. One day she was at home peeling oranges when Joe stormed in, claiming he saw someone that looked like her in man’s car. Before she could explain herself, the beating had started, in a bid to defend herself, she stabbed Joe with the knife she was using to peel her oranges. Joe died from excessive bleeding and Ama was imprisoned.

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Day after day the words of her mother kept coming back to her “marriage is too long to endure abuse and molestation whether physically or emotionally because in the end it will cost one or more lives. Ama be patient, don’t rush things”. Only if I had listened, only if I had been patient, Joe will still be alive and I will still have my freedom even if I am not married… all these were the thoughts she battled with as she remained incarcerated.

Benjamin Franklin said “He that can have patience will have what he wills”. Lots of times, we want things done in an instant but some things take time not every of our heart desires will be granted immediately. We don’t have to give up because some things are not working out or settle for less because what you want is not readily available. Trust me, if we are patient good things will surely find us. Often times when it seems too long, it is because God is preparing something big. Nothing good happens overnight, it takes a continuous effort, patience and determination.

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A decision made in haste ends in the waste. I know we don’t want to end our life in regrets, so I urge us to be patient with our dreams and most especially with God. He knows the end from the beginning, sees further than we can ever see and He understands the things we are not even aware of, that’s why we (you and I) need to trust Him.

Patience is a virtue we need to learn and put to practice. Every great and successful person passed through that dark moment, a phase that only patience can light one’s path. Patience gives birth to Hope and Hope helps one to endure till success comes.  The fact that your friends have gone ahead does not mean you are a failure, there is enough room at the top. Don’t be in a rush, you are designed to be a success but remember, your friends are not you. You are special and you will definitely make it, if you don’t give up. 

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God didn’t spend time creating nobodies! He created wonderful people and because God invested in you, you are already a success! The great business mogul Warren buffet once said “No matter what you do, you can’t have a baby in one month even if you got nine women pregnant at the same time”. You don’t need to give up right now, what you need is to be patient and let God have his way. You are definitely going to succeed. Your success story will be heard but don’t forget to be patient with God. Remember any decision made in haste most times lands in regret. You are a champion, so stick to the right path, it will take you to the top.

I love you and I believe in you!

God bless you!

Written by Omodara Oluwabunmi Onome
Images source: Google