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But You Once Loved Her

Behavioural scientists have confessed that humans are the most difficult living thing to understand, as simple as rationality can be defined when it comes to application it is a different story entirely. Take for instance this sequence; love, relationship and family, this kind of looks like the way to go, right? Rationality also presupposes that if this is the sequence then it should endure.

Recently, I was drawn into a case of domestic violence where the husband vowed to kill the wife if she doesn’t move out with the kids. The wife insisted on holding on to her home and she ended up in the hospital almost in a coma. Then what I could not comprehend is how love can turn to hate overnight or how man’s best friend can become his sworn enemy in just few years.

I know love is one crazy topic with a bizarre measurement that varies from one person to another. Some measure on the strength of affection while others measure it on the strength of companionship and few religious people measure it on the strength of spiritual compatibility. However, no matter what strength it was measured, none is fool proof.

I remember my last relationship in the University, this lady was very caring but as caring as she was, when she was angry she becomes destructive. Knowing that about her, I ensured no misunderstanding went too far. However, one day a lady called my line, this was late 2003 just when GSM came to Nigeria and Motorola Blade was like the latest Samsung Galaxy S series. I was out and left my phone behind, so she picked my call on hearing the caller’s (a lady) voice, and I think they exchanged few words or so, I heard a smashing sound, I ran back inside to find my beloved phone in pieces. Before I could come up with the questions, she charged at me shouting “who is that lady that called you?” A part of me wanted to ask what happened but the other furious part took over and I slapped her like twice or so. She held my shirt, pushing and shoving, and screaming “oya kill me because of her”.

This was the only time I raised my hands against a woman, and believe me till date that memory scares me. I understand some situations can provoke one into acting out several bottled emotions but should love become hate? We could make several arguments why lovers can fight but I don’t think there is a sufficient reason for them to become enemies. Hate is such a strong word to use on someone, talk less of acting it out.

But you once loved her, why would you hate her so much till the point you want to beat her or maim her. She might have wronged you but does killing her compensate for all she has done? My mother used to tell me that it is only a weak man that beats a woman. There are many other ways to correct people, especially someone you love, in the family you correct in love; your children, your wife and your house assistants.

Why love could turn to hate?

In my counseling experience, I understand there are a number of reasons why hate could reign in place of love. So I have tried to compress those reasons as much as possible into these five below

Provocation: No matter how much you love someone and how compatible you are, there would always be personal differences, learn to resolve them amicably. A wise man once told me, “if you can’t apologize for being right, then you are not ready for marriage”. Women are like raw eggs, if you try too hard to clean it, you will break it. I know as men you are hoping to mould your woman into what you want but you have to understand that in other to make her what you want, you will have to bend to what she wants too, if not provocations will set in.

Don’t sleep on an argument: If you want to keep your relationship then you must be ready to lose arguments. I concede arguments to my wife not because I don’t know what else to say but because I don’t want a win that would leave bitter taste in the home. Whenever there is an argument, end it before it ends your love, if possible change the topic and let it go. As man, you want to believe winning an argument shows your superiority in the house but trust me it only shows how selfish you are and overtime it will create a rebellious wife.

Comparison: Comparison is the easiest way to kill feelings. An adage says “when you compare kids, you will beat one to death”. No two people are the same and you can’t expect one to be like another. Honestly, we see women outside and we wish dear wife is just like someone else maybe in terms of dressing, cleanliness, care giving, being romantic, being supportive etc. But we should also know that there are many other things dear wife has that these other women don’t have. And at that age, it is hardly possible to reshape anyone but we can learn to accept what we have.

The other woman: Being a man doesn’t make it right to cheat, honestly. I know that, it is harsh but we know it is true. Yes we might want to argue it is a man’s world but then we should not give what we can’t take. Seriously, we men are the most jealous and yet we expect our wives to live with the fact that we cheat; they will fight back, it is just the natural order of life. The other woman will create a war in our family, it is not worth it especially when we think of all the possible outcomes.

Man conquest mentality: To most men, life is just one conquest after another; “set a goal, achieve it and move to another” syndrome. When we do this with family, we tend to neglect the people we love. Unlike common goals who don’t have feelings, wife does and when you think you have other priorities like making more money at the expense of giving attention to dear wife, you are creating a template for hate.

Getting married is beyond a to-do-list that you achieve and just tick off, marriage is like a seed you plant, you have to keep nurturing it till it fully blossoms and even after that you must always be there to keep it flourishing.

On no account should a man lift his hands against a woman; wife, sister, mother, friend, maid or even stranger. It is against all what being the head stands for, there are many ways to resolve conflicts or punish disobedience. The first to result to violence is always the weakest and that shouldn’t be you, you are better than that. People respond better to dialogue and empathy, those should be your greatest weapons. Love is understanding, that and more is what dear wife really craves for don’t deny her what you willingly promised her before marriage, be the man you have vowed to be.

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But You Once Loved Her

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The Waiting Time

I perceive that most of our single girls don’t really know what waiting (singleness) time is all about. What the time should be used for, how much they can invest in themselves at this time and how productive they can be at this time. Little wonder, some jump from one relationship to another at this time or find themselves under pressure to do things they would normally not do.

Your waiting time is the best time for you as a lady to develop yourself. Most ladies these days are desperate to get married ( due to their age and maybe pressure from family and friends), to a certain extent, this is understandable, if you have been at this stage before you would know how difficult families can be but in spite of the pressure you should ask yourself, ‘what am I bringing to the table, what can I offer as a wife?’ Most wait for years jumping from one platform on social media to another, all in searching of a man (it is no longer man searching), putting the cart before the horse, it doesn’t work that way! You have to develop yourself first that’s what your waiting is meant for.

Bible promised every man a woman that is compatible unto him, a woman that will be able to help him in his God given assignment. Does God plan that some remain single forever? I am not sure but I think the answer is NO! However, reality has shown us that most are single and most will remain single because they major in minor; they leave the most important things and focus on the least important ones. To find a man is the easiest thing to do but to find a lasting relationship requires a lot more. Men who are goal getters always look for women who are capable of holding together goals and can manage success. Are you that kind of woman? And if you are that kind of woman, are you willing to let go your ego and submit to love and not fortune?

If you are waiting then you should be able to develop yourself to become an helper, a confidante and an asset to the home. The fear of most men is ending up with a liability. For a lady, self development is key to not being a liability, unless she want to be wife number 4 or 5 or end up as one rich man’s trophy wife. When you don’t have anything to offer even if God is telling a brother about you, that brother will most likely rebuke the vision because nothing about you says you are marriageable. On the other hand when you prepare yourself and you are an asset, if God speaks once, the brother hears Him twice or more because there is a reason to you.

You are like tree, no matter how attractive the leaves are, it will only remain relevant if it bears sweet fruits. What you bring to the table is most relevant not necessarily how much you earn at the moment but how much you have invested in yourself that makes you an asset and not a liability. Ladies please don’t rush into saying “I do”, don’t just agree because you are under pressure, be sure you have what it takes to be in a marriage, spend your waiting time right.

​The Waiting Time

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Getting Too Familiar

It is no longer news that men and women are been killed on a daily basis now by the same people they once exchanged marital vows with. Some men abuse, maltreat even rape the same women they once claimed nothing can come between them, same women that are meant to be supportive pillars to them. Some women ignore their husbands, starve them of sexual pleasures and even use words that can kill destiny on the men they sworn to love till their dying days.

These are not end time signs like most other inexplicable things we tie to end time. These are because we take some things for granted and because we forget our position and obligation as a woman or a man. Not to forget that we are at the age of technology abuse, false liberation, wildering morals and religious recklessness.

In the book of Esther, a Queen called Vashti lost her position because she disobey the King’s instruction in the presence of the maids. I am sure, if she had done same thing while alone with the king, the result would have been different. The king never had the plan of having another wife, but the queen’s attitude brought about the second wife.

He is your husband, but don’t get too familiar with him to the point of bringing him down or disrespecting him in the public.

Never get too familiar with him or her to the point of washing his or her dirty linen outside. Neither of you is perfect, but your attitude in correcting the wrong of one another speaks a volume. You correct in love, not for attention or ridiculing.

Wife, you are powerful, more powerful than you will ever know, but please learn to use your power in bringing unity and peace into your home. What binds you together is more than the love you professed, you have exchanged vows and it is for better and for worse; through the good times and the bad times. Those side chicks are taking what belongs to you because they know the key to his heart, just like you used to know but too busy with life to remember. Sometimes to respect him is all you need to make things right, then correct him after he is calm.

Husband, as a man, you hold the key to stop external influence on your home. Never walk out on your home because you think it is her fault, please build trust! When she is wrong, please let your means of correcting her be love, compassion and respect. Those side chicks maybe a temporary solution but for how long? Your home should always come first, should be your priority, the blessings that come with a good home and a happy wife is too much to lose because of temporary gratifications.

Esther became a Queen and all her enemies became a thing of the past because she had someone called Mordecai, she took counsel from. Do you have someone you take counsel from regarding your relationship (I mean Godly counsel)? The best way to see far is to stand on the shoulders of those ahead of you. When they advise based on God’s instruction please take to it, remember, Esther’s blessings were in Mordecai’s instructions to her.

You can join our Relationship Counseling via WhatsApp group by just one click, no questions asked and it is absolutely free.

Link Here: Relationship WhatsApp Group

Remember, don’t get too familiar that you become disrespectful to your spouse in public or before your children, maids or friends. Don’t get used to him or her that you begin to take him or her for granted. Don’t ignore your spouse’s feelings, their need to express how they feel and to be loved. Happy home is an ongoing process, we never stop being committed, and we keep pressing till we grow old together.

Getting Too Familiar

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A Lil’ Help!

As Leslie watched the pregnancy test stick on the bathroom counter, she couldn’t help but silently pray it was positive. That would be a whole lot of weight and stress off her shoulders.

It wasn’t like she and her husband Kane, were old or (have been) searching for a long time. In fact, their marriage was barely six months old and neither Kane nor their families was pestering her for a child. Yet, she knew she needed to be pregnant at all cost.

The alarm clock on her phone vibrated, signifying the end of the five minutes wait. She held her breath and gently peeked at the test. She couldn’t help the sudden rush of disappointment that filled her when she realised it was negative. She angrily pushed the stick and every other thing on the counter away.

She sank to her knees and gently placed herself on the bathroom floor as she cried silently. She couldn’t help but think about why it was very necessary for her to get pregnant. She needed it as an excuse for her husband to stop wanting her or touching her sexually.

To her surprise, Mary did not blame her. Mary had understood, even more than she had thought was possible. It was such a great relief.

No, she did not despise her husband. On the contrary, she had grown to love Kane, yet it was pretty difficult to make love to her husband. Each time, she had to think of something else, or in her case, someone else. She didn’t know why, but Kane’s touch repulsed her even though in her head she knew she loved him.

The problem had started in her final year in the University. She had been a victim of a gang rape, which led to bouts of depression afterwards. It did not help that her friend and roommate blamed her for walking at night even though she had been on her way to class to read. She had felt so useless and she never thought she would ever have anything to do with sex again.

Then she met Mary during her NYSC days. Mary was her roommate in the lodge they were given by the company they served. Mary had quickly noticed her skittish nature around guys. After much pressure, she finally caved and told Mary about her experience. To her surprise, Mary did not blame her. Mary had understood, even more than she had thought was possible. It was such a great relief.

Then Mary started becoming nicer, extra loving, attentive and most of all, extra touchy. At first, it was all strange but then she started enjoying it. The little touches became frequent hugs, cuddles then it advanced to pecks. She was very ready when Mary finally introduced her to full blown sexual activities. Mary told her only a fellow woman would ever understand her body and make her feel that much pleasure.

It wasn’t that he was a sex addict, but he had stayed faithful for a whole year of courtship and now, he had to remain celibate in marriage?

After service, she was retained by the company and Mary left, though she would occasionally come over for visits and other things. Then her parents introduced her to Kane who had just been called to Bar and had joined his Father’s chambers as a young Barrister. Both parents had high expectations for them and they did not disappoint because they got married after a year.

Then things became strained when after a month, she still hadn’t let her husband touch her even after making him wait all through their courtship days. It wasn’t like she didn’t love him, she did. A whole lot. Yet, she couldn’t get turned on by him sexually until she had to resort to thinking about Mary and their past escapades.

Things went back to normal for a while until she started finding Kane’s sexual appetite too much for her man-hating body to handle, which was why she needed to get pregnant ASAP. That way, she’ll be safe from his touch for nine months.

Leslie knew she was in serious trouble, she had researched it and the internet had called her bisexual. How was she supposed to get over this when her husband was slowly becoming colder and slipping from her grasp?

***

Kane sighed as he stared at the files the pretty secretary just dropped on his table. His thoughts weren’t there at all. A glimpse of the petite secretary’s cleavage had stirred something in him. He shook his head and stared at the shiny wedding band on his finger to clear his rampaging thoughts.

Kane explained everything to his Dad, who listened without any interruptions. After he let his son talk, he finally responded.

“You said it does not seem like she’s cheating?”

Ever since his wife had decided to limit their sex life to once or when he’s lucky, twice in a month, he had had to resort to crazy sexual thoughts. It wasn’t that he was a sex addict, but he had stayed faithful for a whole year of courtship and now, he had to remain celibate in marriage?

Leslie considered his sexual appetite too excessive and uncalled for. Sometimes, he caught her expression when he tried to be all romantic and touchy, and he could tell it was usually one of repulsion. She had become so secretive and moody that Kane didn’t know what to do anymore because no matter how much he pressed her to talk, she would never say anything. It seemed her friend, Mary, was even more interesting than he was to her because he could tell his wife showed more life and enthusiasm whenever Mary was around.

A light tap on his desk jarred him from his jumbled thoughts. It was his Dad looking at him with concerned eyes. The older man quietly drew a chair and sat down in front of his son, neither men speaking for a while.

“I have noticed this new far-away look on you for a while now. Is everything okay? Is Leslie giving you trouble?” The older man asked.

She had refused to talk in their first two visits but this third time, she had broken down and started crying when the therapist asked “Are you a lesbian?”

“Hmm Dad. I don’t know what to do anymore. I swear, I don’t. I am so lost and confused, what does she want?” Kane rambled.

“Calm down son and start from the beginning. What is the problem?”

Kane explained everything to his Dad, who listened without any interruptions. After he let his son talk, he finally responded.

“You said it does not seem like she’s cheating?”

“She comes home immediately after work, she only hangs out when Mary is around and they don’t stay out late. She doesn’t lock her phone neither does she fight nor neglect house chores. She just doesn’t want me near her, that’s the problem.” Kane confessed.

“Hmm. This seems like a very serious issue. Since she’s refusing to talk to you, no matter how much you press her, I’ll advise you get her to seek professional help. I’ll give you a number. It’s my friend’s. He is a psychologist and marriage counselor. I am sure he can help you.”

***

As Kane listened to his wife spill out her guts to the therapist after their third visit, he couldn’t help but feel so sorry for her. She had refused to talk in their first two visits but this third time, she had broken down and started crying when the therapist asked “Are you a lesbian?”

Leslie had thought she was bisexual because she looked at the therapist and said “Maybe I’m Bi.”

“No, Leslie, you’re not homosexual. You were just temporarily confused because your body needed a form of sexual outlet and since it wasn’t responding to men after what you went through, it only made sense for it to respond to the one person that understood your plight.”

The woman advised Leslie to try and stay away from Mary for a while, and she needed to realise, men are not evil. Not all men will hurt her. She also had to forgive herself and stop feeling worthless, but she had to go through this journey with her husband so that a new bond could be formed.

“Don’t rush it Leslie. Take it one step at a time. Find out why you chose Kane to go on this life long journey with you. You also need a Lil prayer every now and then. It will not hurt to commit everything in God’s hands. You might just be surprised at how much everything else will fall in place. Also, advise Mary to come see me. She also needs help.”

***

Leslie is now a proud mother of two and she couldn’t have been any happier with the man who fathered them. All she needed was someone to show her the best path and everything worked out just fine.

© Oluwaseun Wende, 2017

Seun is a 200 level student of Medicine and Surgery, Ambrose Alli University, Ekpoma. Edo State, Nigeria. She is also a creative writer and blogger…

Visit her Webpage for more

Bea’s Aloe (Best of Stories)

A Lil’ Help!

The Only Thing Women Want 

The Only Thing Women Want

Okay, I am sure you are probably saying, “what’s he talking about how can women want just one thing!”. Unfortunately, yes! That’s what I am saying.

Some days back, I was on an ATM queue, when I heard a woman sobbing, she should be in her late 40s, she didn’t look that educated but you would see how much she was trying to hold her pain, as she was trying to explain to her friends why she was so hurt. I moved closer, so I can hear the gist (as a writer I eavesdrop a lot) and here are the key points of what she said…

…whenever he travels he doesn’t buy me things while I see other women show off what their husbands bought them…

…he never shows me he still cares about me, I know he doesn’t have much and the little he has he spends it on us but he feels detached…

…he doesn’t talk to me about anything, he is always tired for everything…

…his responses are always harsh like we are fighting, I just wish things where like they used to be…

Women are so wonderful, unique, smooth, in fact no amount of words could describe their versatility. As Human want is unlimited so is woman want, only woman with limited vision has limited demand. There’s Much to talk about…

-Hon Oloniju Aryortheyjhy Colonial

These got me thinking, if this man spends all he earns on his family and the woman is still not satisfied then what do women really want? So I went straight to google and search ” what women want” and the response I got made me more confused. Some authors came up with 6, some 7, another came up with 10 and a weird one wrote 100 things women want.

Then I remembered the song “my love don’t cost a thing”, is it that most women want everything while few others want nothing? I couldn’t answer that question, so I dropped it and moved to other things until today when it just dawned on me, every woman wants only one thing which they can disguise as everything or nothing and that is attention. (Before you call me a male chauvinist, please here me out)

Omodare….you can never know what you women want…. Even when u have it all, you are never satisfied…. I’m so confused on this cuz they can never be pleased
– Alex Temitope Ayodele

Attention comes in different forms, shapes and sizes, and most times that is where most men get misled to think women are insatiable. Also may be because men are too focused on the physical evidence that they neglect the unspoken words and are misguided to think most women are materialistic, when all they demand is attention.

Some times we think women want shopping just to stack their wardrobe but half of this time all they wanted is attention, to become the cynosure of all eyes. Attention from friends, the boutique’s representatives, but most of all from you their men. Ask any lady, the best part of a shopping spree is to have their husbands/boyfriends there to do the selection. In fact, most women will argue that they don’t dress for a man or men and that to a large extent is true because they dress for attention depending on the kind of attention they crave for at that moment. She just wants the attention!

A woman wants to be loved and appreciated. She’s an emotional being so she expects everyone to see things from an own point of view, she wants to be listened to, she wants respect. She will appreciate gift but she wants more. She wants to be treated as a special person.
– Omodara Onome

I have heard guys say their women nag but here is the fact, she just wants your attention. She wants to be heard, listened to and treated as a partner in the relationship. She wants you to have time for her, she doesn’t want to be second to your job, the children, your friends or your religion, she wants to be second to none. Unfortunately, men treat life as conquest, surmount one and move to another, shifting all attentions to what is new. Of course she will nag, she wants to be seen and treated as new everyday!

People have said a woman boss is always too bossy that women love power. In all honesty, everyone loves power, male or female but the question is, “what is the motive behind that love for power?” Men love power so they can rule, gather wealth and some times oppress but for women it is different, she wants power so she can command attention. When a lady boss walks in she wants you to know she is the boss (trust me on this, I have worked with many boss ladies), she wants the attention especially if there is another lady around, she wants everyone including that lady to know she gets all the attention.

She wants love ,care,respect and forgiveness. Fidelity, Attention…. listening ear and FINANCIAL SECURITY….above all…a faithful man.

– Raymond Glory

Men are moved by what they see; a sexy body, a beautiful face structure, a pretty smile, to die for attitude and so on, basically men are a typical example of seeing is believing but women are opposite, women are moved by what they hear, it is an evidence they have your thought attention and trust me they know when you are saying it like you mean it. It is not all about being emotional (it counts though) but it is more about what you confess, women want to hear it, day and night. If you love her then you cannot be tired of saying it and even when she wrongs you, she still doesn’t want you to take the attention off her.

No one has the ability to give women what they want, their want can’t be met. Due to individual differentiation we could say, some want love and care blah blah, while some want money and prioritise their career. The truth be told, there are some secret want which women can’t openly disclose they only fantasize about it. So to cut the long story short they have few want that we can only try to meet them. Wish I could explain more But Selah, I ain’t a fan of typing….

-Taiwo Afeez Fehintola

When a lady says I don’t want anything, trust me that ‘anything’ doesn’t include attention. In truth, the fact is, saying she wants nothing is expected to make men curious and inevitably kick start the attention process. Men will want to find out more about her. Who is she? Is she still single? And with men curiosity rather affection would often lead them to the doorstep of a lady.

To a lady, attention beats any other thing men have to offer. Ever wondered why a lady married a rich business man still ends up in the bed of an hustler? It is simply because the rich man is too busy chasing money that he thinks money can replace giving his lady attention (Remember the movie “unfaithful” by Richard Gere, it wasn’t about the sexual desires of the woman but the passion and attention in every contact).

We all know what a man wants according to Rev (Mrs.) Funke Felix-Adejumo ‘A man’s greatest need is respect, not sex or food’. In the same context, “A woman’s greatest need is attention, not sex or money”.

We can paint it however we like it, use big English and even vague words, say it is nothing or it is everything but the word we are all looking for is ATTENTION. Give your woman more attention and see what difference it will bring to your relationship, it is worth the try!

Thanks to all contributors as quoted, you guys are amazing. And to you reading this, I am sure most won’t agree with this view especially based on their own experience, so feel free to share your reservations in the comment section and trust me to reply your constructive counter argument. Cheers!

Love is Unconstitutional But Trust is Earned

I was talking to a friend, a young lady, and she said to me, “Selah, if he loves me then he ought to trust me”. At first I said ” sure!” but on second thought asked myself, how realistic is that?

I understand many relationship texts, speakers and writers are of the opinion that love and trust should go in the same sentence but in reality, it rarely works like that. We generally want to expect a lover to also trust but here is the twist, when someone is really in love with you, there is every tendency that the person becomes a ‘little’ jealous, do you agree? (I know I am but not obsessed, though). If you agree, then you must also agree that the element of jealousy, no matter how small it is, has an underlining root called “trust issues”. 

Now let’s agree on one more thing, love is unconditional (I am sure you are nodding your head now), yes! true love should be unconditional, not based on materials, assets, body structure, personality, status or gifts (even though these are major factors we have to consider before agreeing to marriage). You can love someone the first time you set your eyes on them, that is the nature of love, it is a gift you give to someone else most times in hope that they give it back to you, using same measure but not always necessarily so. However, trust on the other hand, has to be earned and most times after it is earned, it can also be lost. Quick example, a mother loves her kids, but some times you hear her say ” I don’t trust my kids with my phone”, and if you ask her why, you will find out it is based on her past experiences with the kids. Trust is based on individual’s past experiences and current events, and to be trustworthy partners must prove their worthiness.

How to build trust?

1. Good communication: Talk to one another about everything. About the guy eyeing you in your office, about the new friend you just made, about the lady in your class who is always chatty around you and so on. Be as open as possible, in fact be an open book to your partner. You don’t have to necessarily talk about your exes in details, in fact most guys don’t like that ‘talk’ and might even fuel trust issues but be as open as humanly possible. No keeping secretes, be transparent.

Scenario: Somehow a lady in a perfect relationship mistakenly kissed a friend (guy) in a moment of adrenaline rush. Now she is wondering if she should tell her boyfriend about this mishap or keep it to herself? 

2. Share itinerary: Exchange daily itinerary, let him or her have a rough idea of where you will be at a particular time, not saying everywhere you want to stop at but at least an idea of what your day is going to look like. Most girls want to be able to say, “it is 5pm, my guy should be at the gym or church rehearsal” and same goes for guys. This is not your guy or girl monitoring your movement, it is about him or her being able to vouch for your movement.

3. Be truthful: The quickest way to have someone trust you is to be truthful at all (most) times. Lies might save a face some of the time but the truth will save a face all the time. Let your “A” be confirmed as “A”, if you know you are in a scenario where the truth can wreck more havoc, I always suggest silence. The easiest way to destroy a relationship is to build it on lies. Tell your partner the truth and whatever you know you can’t share with your partner, DON’T DO IT!

Scenario response: You need to understand who your partner is, how he or she responds to issues, best time to talk to him or her and how stable your partner is emotionally. These are the key factors that determine whether or not, you have to share. However, this predicament is avoidable, remember “whatever you know you can’t share with your partner, DON’T DO IT!”

4. Be Yourself: The only way you can be consistent is if you are yourself. Don’t try to be what or who you are not, if your partner finds fault, he or she would correct and probably be able to vouch for you but when you are fake, you become inconsistent and inarticulate. When someone is not articulate, people find it had to trust them. Even though they are telling the truth, their body language and inconsistencies keeps giving them off as lairs.

5. Have common friends: This honestly would prevent more than half of trust issues in relationships. Having private friends especially of the opposite sex can easily stir up trust issues. Even when there is really nothing to it, when you start spending more time with a person of the opposite sex who is not a common friend,  you obviously are given reasons not to be trusted. Whoever wants to be your friend and not the friend of your partner, is worth avoiding. 

Scenario conclusion: Not telling your partner means you are keeping a secret and once you are able to keep one away from him or her, you will eventually keep many. However, sharing will get the load of guilt off you but here are the two possibilities 1. Your partner trusts you that you don’t hide things from him or her or 2. Your partner can’t trust you with person of opposite sex because another accident might happen again. It takes wisdom to do the right thing. An octogenarian once told me, if by accident you get your shirt stained with another lady’s lipstick, wash it off first then when you get home, you can joke about it with your wife, if not, any other way, won’t be a joke at all. Always apply WISDOM!