Sexual abuse is one issue that cannot be over flogged, there are thousands of cases on daily basis known and millions yet to be discovered.
Cases of adults taking advantage of teens, ladies being forced against their will even in relationship, young boys being molested by older women and in some cases older men. Sexual abuse is already out of hand, people no longer respect the word “NO”.
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In this episode of The TYs Show, I interviewed a guest by the name Miss Oluwaseun Wende, a medical student, a fictional writer and an ABUSE activist, as she tries to explain;
This is one question many singles have battled with especially once that seems to have one aunty or uncle always on their case. Is it when you have reached certain age or when you have achieved certain status?
Also another question often raised is the issue of ladies making the first move. Is it right for ladies to propose? Note this, the lady is not asking the guy out, a relationship has already been established but when the guy is not forthcoming, can the lady take the initiative?
Lastly, what makes a man or woman marriage material? You must have heard this cliche like a million times, “he/she is not marriage material”, how do people judge who is marriage material.
Well, all these and many more were answered in this episode of the TYs Show.
Click the link below to watch the full episode and don’t forget to drop your comments and subscribe to the Channel so you don’t miss any episode of the show.
Pressure is one of the leading reasons why people take wrong steps. Pressure can come from anywhere and anything; family, work, friends, enemies etc. When you are under pressure and you give in to that pressure you are most likely to act outside your normal self. However, pressure would not push you unless you give in first.
Recently, I had this conversation with someone who was trying to retrace his steps after losing his job. He said “I lost my job because I stole from my company and this was all because my wife kept comparing us to her friends”. He said the wife kept putting him under pressure, because she wanted their kids to attend expensive schools, use exotic cars and do holiday trips like her friends; it was like they were in a competition. He said but he couldn’t afford all these on his income so he had to start borrowing and when borrowing could not sustain his wife’s lust for expensive lifestyle, he decided to borrow (steal) from office fund. The rest is history.
It was saddening to hear him talk, especially when he explained his background and how hard he struggled to get the job, only for him to lose that same job because he couldn’t manage the pressure around him. Of course we might want to blame him or the wife, but I won’t want to go into that, I will rather leave that to The TYs Show and @onomewrites , however one thing is certain irrespective of who we blame, it still comes to the fact the someone gave in to pressure. An entire sea ofwatercan’tsinkaship unless itgets inside theship.
Now, of all the causes pressure earlier listed and much more, the most “pushy” for youths is the peer pressure, i.e. pressure from people within their age group (I have been there before). This pressure can be direct or indirect and dealing with pressure often depends on the type of pressure and individuals’ mental strength.
Dealing with Peer Pressure
A. Direct Peer Pressure
Direct peer pressure can be explained as peer pressure coming directly from one’s peer; either a friend or an enemy, who is within one’s age group, status, ability or profession. Take for instance, a friend you finished school together with, who is now married asking you when you will get married? That kind of pressure could push one to “unprepared for marriage” and if not careful one will marry the wrong person. Also for instance, because one hasn’t gotten a job yet and one’s close friend who has a job calls one lazy or bullies one with money, one becomes pressured to make money by all means just to prove a point. These are examples of direct peer pressure.
How do you handle it?
1. Give space: Give as much space as possible to the particular person or group of persons putting you under pressure. This doesn’t mean you should not get in touch but ensure it is at arm’s length. It is a negative energy and staying away is the best solution. It is good to get motivated to want more but let the motivation be from within not because someone bullied you.
2. Focus on your big picture: At 25years, it is expected you have a rough idea of what you want and how you want to go about it, don’t lose sight of this. Even if your friends have taken a different route and it is working, if it doesn’t fit into your idea of living don’t do it. Running one’s race on another man’s time would only cause untimely end to one’s race. Focusing on your big picture makes it difficult to be carried away by peer pressure.
3. Don’t try to satisfy anyone at your own expense: You know what, playing the hero is for movies and story books, in reality you don’t put others before yourself. If you keep this in mind when friends pressure you, the first thing you consider is “how does this affect me, my personal plans and my future?”. Then you will be able to make an informed decision.
B. Indirect Peer Pressure
Peer pressure becomes indirect when no one is hipping it on you but yourself. Indirect peer pressure is self inflicted and this is more dangerous. You can easily walk away from a direct peer pressure but an indirect peer pressure requires winning the battle from within. For instance, after a long thought of how other friends and school mates have succeeded, one finally concludes one is the worst and then decides it is suicide time. This isn’t a pressure from anyone, it is just you. Or A man who feels he is too quiet, he wants to be loud and lively like his friends so he turned to hard drugs to get the ginger. Self inflicted peer pressure.
How do you handle it?
1. Pray: As much as I don’t want to sound spiritual in this matter, the spiritual facts cannot be denied. Our thoughts are meant to be guided and the only guide we can get is by screening what we allow in, as simple as words can put this, in practice it is not all that simple. It takes a high-level of spiritual discipline once you realize you are under this kind of pressure. So yes! Pray because that’s all the spiritual I know.
2. Win the mind battle: Indirect peer pressure like I said is more of a mind thing, so you have to win that Battle to have a clear mind. You may have to do affirmations or speak reassuring words to make you keep believing in yourself, because without self believe this battle is already lost. The truth is, others would have what you think you deserve and one could easily be tempted to compare and do the unimaginable but when you believe in yourself and you are ready to trust the process, you would find reasons to wait for your own time.
3. Talk to Someone: A therapist, a mentor, a godfather talk to someone who is older or more experienced when you are caught up with indirect peer pressure, this would save you from ruining your life. In fact, talking to people is not only going to help you with better decisions, it would also help unburdening your soul and spirit. You would also learn from their mistakes in similar situations. Please don’t underestimate how far seeking counsel can help.
Above all, LEARN TO SAY NO! Don’t be too shy to reject what you don’t want. Use the word “NO” as often as it is required. Whether someone is trying to influence you, persuade you or even when it is your thoughts playing tricks on you, let your NO be resounding. When it seems everyone else is heading that way, if it doesn’t work with your plan(s), pull out and let everyone know you have made your choice.
We are who we are and we got here being ourselves. Even if there are reasons to be different, they should be about improving on who we are. We would always have many questions and there would always be lots of options, but we best be wise in choosing. Don’t get pushed, don’t get pressured because when you fall, it is going to be big and it is going to be only you!
In relationships, we wholeheartedly want our spouses to be successful, but how successful do we really want them? As a man would you want your woman to be more successful than you? And as a woman would you be able to cope with having more money than your man?
There is this hierarchy in the home that traditionally places the man as the head of the family however with modern day feminism and need for women, as individuals, to aspire to become who they want to be and be in control of their lives, this traditional expectation is being threatened.
This episode of The TYs Show tries to put this problem in the spotlight, looking at it from all angles while leaving viewers to discover their stand and make up their mind going forward on how best to handle this problem which seems to be one major reason for increase in divorce rate.
Friendship is a relationship of mutual affection between people. For there to be true friendship, it has to be mutual. There are different circumstances that bring people together but somehow you realize some people just click with your spirit self and “boom” you become friends.
So do you have a friend?
It is the era of globalization and there are no boundaries to friendship however the fundamental requirement still remains the same “mutual affection”; the desire to excel or succeed together, to provide an anchor for, to encourage, to keep secrets and have each other’s back.
The beauty of friendship is when the affection is reciprocated. If it is one sided, sooner or later, it will hit the rock. An adage says “if we are eating together then we should both have something to eat”. There is a limit to how much an individual can condone a leech, at a point the blood sucker would have to go. Same goes for friendship that is one sided.
So at a point you will have to decide if what you have is a friend or a leech.
What kind of friend are you?
Unfortunately, these days friendship has been reduced to hanging out, getting drunk or high together, competing for girls/boys, backstabbing, swindling, chatting on social media, ‘famzing’ and the likes. These have made many regret meeting others in the name of friendship.
Some people delight in spreading bad news about their friends while others on hearing good news about their friend, they just want to do something to out shine that good news. The whole essence of friendship becomes defeated if friends don’t have one another’s best interest. Unfortunately, it is not easy walking it alone without friends. Success is easier when you have like minds with similar vision around you; the more the merrier.
No matter the number, 2,3,4 or more, being friends with someone means you should desire to see them do well, become better and get to top together. That’s what friends are for!
What is expected of a real friend?
A real friend asides from reciprocating the affection, first and foremost wants to see you excel, especially when nobody believes in you a true friend does. Even when he/she doesn’t fully understand what you are up to a true friend never leaves your side.
A true friend provides you with someone you can confide in. There are times we have to do things that we probably don’t want our family to know about, a friend provides backup in such instance. It is often easy to talk to a friend than any one else when real decisions have to be made.
A friend provides the first external support when you have an idea to pitch. In fact when you have a new product to introduce to the world, your friends are your first test market or subjects. If you are my friend I expect you to be my number one fan and vise versa. Friends support each other and help sell each other’s idea to the world. A friend is like your other voices.
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Also consequently as a fan, a friend is expected to also be an honest critique with the aim of making you better. Being a critique mean being critical and objective about their analyses of you. Friends should be able to correct each other without fighting. An when there is a fight, friends should be able to move pass it but should not stop correcting one another.
A real friend is rare, so if you have one, trust me, you are lucky. Keep he/her/them and always reciprocate their affection. Success is easy when you have someone to hold your hands as you run the race of life. However, if you don’t have ‘true’ friend(s) yet, it is never too late to make one. Choose people whose vision aligns with yours, be selfless and open as much as possible. It may take time to fully trust but somehow if you click with someone, other things will seamlessly fall into place.
Disappointment is part of life and how we handle it would go a long way in determining how we relate with others. One of the things I first learned about living is that disappointment is inevitable.
Some people will say, “when you put your trust in people what you get is disappointment”, well this is true but how can we live life without trusting someone? Yes, we should trust God but if we can’t trust humans we see how can we trust God we cannot see? Hence, my conclusion that disappointment is just part of life.
In a matter of speaking, you and I have also disappointed people before; our parents, friends, lovers and ourselves. Even though these acts might not have been deliberate, we just find ourselves not living up to the expectations of others, no matter how much we try. On this basis you will probably agree with me that anyone can disappoint and most times not intentionally.
We should be bound by our words, we should uphold whatever we give promise to do that is how it should work but life has also taught me that sometimes things can really really get out of control and we find ourselves where our words and promises become the least of our problems. Ultimately, we disappoint people who ordinarily we would do everything to put smiles on their faces.
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Having understood that disappointment can come from anyone you included, so how do you manage disappointment:
See the positives in everything: I think why being disappointed hardly gets to me is because I see the positives in everything. I believe to everything is a reason and not all reasons are comprehendible. So even when I see no reason why someone should disappoint me, I still tell my self, it is for the best. A mentor of mine once told me that there is good in bad and there is bad in good. So whether good or bad, every situation provides reason to be happy and sad (#deep).
Always have a backup plan; When I make plans, I always give room for “what if”, hence, a backup plan. If you observe this too, disappointment won’t hit you too hard. Call it plan B or Plan 2, always ensure you have what to fall back on so you don’t hit the solid ground after a disappointment.
Build on what you can achieve: My ground zero has always been based on what I can personally achieve, then I commit people to helping me from there. Invariably when their help ceases or doesn’t come I will still have my ground zero which is better than nothing. See whatever anyone wants to do for you as just the icing on the cake you baked with your sweat. So even if they disappoint, you still have your cake.
Focus on the big picture: There is this big picture in my head of where I want to be and you know what? I have come to understand that it only takes my commitment and God’s grace to get there. Whoever helps along the way is God sent and whoever chooses to quit on me is just someone God grew tired of using while those who failed to help at all are just people God won’t use for me just to protect my dreams. What do you think?
Have a big heart: Forgiveness used to be one of the most difficult things for me to do, unconsciously I find myself referring to wrongs people did to me and I acted it out. But I think I have grown pass that now. I have grown my heart to accommodate the good, the bad and the ugly without thinking of getting even. This wont happen in a day but as you grow in point number 4, it becomes a piece of cake.
Attention from the opposite sex can be very tricky especially when you are in a stable relationship and many have lost what they hold dearly because of how they have managed these flings of attention and throw around care that often starts as harmless.
When does attention start to generate tension?
How should you react to excessive care from the opposite sex?
What can you do to ensure your relationship survive this temporary attention span?
How bad is friends with benefits?
Watch The TYs Show on Selahsgroup YouTube Channel for answers to these questions and lots more.
This talkshow is informative, inspiring, funny and down to heart. You should not miss this.
Being deserving of a thing is not measured by what you went through to get it but your understanding of what makes that thing precious; passion does that for people more than pain could ever do, build passion in people and not pain. – Selahsomeone
You don’t have to have all you want before you make impact in other people’s life; a smile, kind words, gentle touch, constructive criticism are few of the ways you can reach out. I know sometimes you just feel like letting out your frustrations but you don’t have to make a third (innocent person) party a victim of your outburst. Everyone has a burden, transferring yours to others would only cause a ripple effect.
Many say the world is crazy, the government is bad, our leaders are malicious but you know what I think? I think we are all a victim of our own ills. I have encountered so many difficulties in my life and to each of them has a face of someone who could have been nicer. (I hope I am making sense). A sadistic lecturer, a difficult boss, a backstabbing friend, a cheating date, an oppressing rich man/woman etc, all individuals that could have just been a little nicer but instead chose to be selfish, eccentric and egoistic like you and I often do.
It doesn’t hurt to make life comfortable for others in spite of going through a difficult time yourself. You shouldn’t delight in seeing others suffer. Because you had a rough start at your workplace or getting your degree or getting to stardom doesn’t mean you should inflict same on people coming up through you. If we go by “an eye for an eye” the whole world will soon go blind. Making it easy for people coming behind should be your topmost priority. Being deserving of a thing is not measured by what you went through to get it but your understanding of what makes that thing precious; passion does that for people more than pain could ever do, build passion in people and not pain.
You know that giggling dance you do on the inside when you read bad news about celebrities and affluent people, that’s not nice. No one deserves to be wished evil upon. You wonder why bad news sell more, well it is because deep down most of us are of the opinion that if we can’t be happy no one deserves to be happy. This has to change! We can all be a little nicer, celebrating the good in one another. Do you know that happiness can be passed on just as sadness is contagious? That is the ripple effect! Make someone happy and you will see how happy it will make you feel.
Even when you feel compelled to correct a wrong, be subtle about it, remember it doesn’t end there. Don’t ripple the waters of karma, correct with the right intentions not out of envy or vengeance. When you have to teach a lesson, let the blessings be obvious. Because you are on top today doesn’t make you a supreme being nor omnipresent, you are but a man, remember someone would fill that position in a short while… Be mindful of this and let it guide your everyday actions.
Be nicer even if it is just a little more than your usual. Go out of your way to do something for someone. Do you know the greatest feeling of satisfaction comes from knowing that you have delighted someone? Don’t argue just try it and you will experience something different.
Share this with someone you wish could be a little nicer!
Ladies, we all envision marriage to be a bed of roses with little or no thorns at all. We want a marriage where no one raises his or her voice just to be heard and all the other sweet fantasies. I get it, we do not like anything that could scare us but its no news that marriage is never that way. There will be some disagreements and raising of voices sometimes for stands to be taken. I understand all that but should domestic violence become the new black of marriages? No matter the shade it comes in, it should never be the new black.
Choosing your spouse is the only key choice we get the chance to do by ourselves. We don’t get to choose our parents, siblings, children and if you are or were like me you don’t get to choose the schools you attend. But marriage? That’s a totally different ball game all together. That’s the only decision you make and people around you can only but wish you well in your choosing cause it’s for life, baby!
You do not go around choosing that one special person on the ground that he is dark, tall and handsome or because he is a giver. I’m sure you know what I’m saying. Our new daddy has got to be a reflection of who you want your sons to be and who you want your daughters to end up with. The physical and material are important but thoseunseen traits are more essential to take note of.
No man is going to change when he gets into marriage. Once a boy in his bachelorhood, forever a boy. Don’t expect him to grow up to being a man. It is the responsibility of any reasonable adult to provide, and Tom, Dick and Harry can do that. It only takes a boy to do certain things to his woman. Call your woman certain names and to even take it further to her family, (gosh you have got some really rotten balls there), attempting to raise your hands to land on her body (Mr man please what do you think you are?), eventually getting the impetus to hit her, seeing to it that you can go to bed peacefully when she is out in the cold when you can do something better (I’m not asking you to be her Jack and freeze off in the sea but be compassionate).
Ladies listen carefully, he is nice does not mean he is compassionate. Which man won’t want to be nice to the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with? A man only changes for himself before considering others. I know he would say he realized that he was hurting you and chose to change, the truth is that actually he realized that to get further he needed to adjust himself.
Stop finding expression for his actions. Call a spade a spade. He damn hit/insulted/disrespected you. He meant to. He never hit you mistakenly. You getting him angry is not enough reason to lift his hands on you (if that’s how it is then he should be hitting police officer or military man because they angered him). That’s cowardice! You can frown at that statement men. (I’m in my father’s house, come and beat me).
The fact that your mouth is like that of a spoiled tap that cant stop running, does not give him the right to be inhumane to you. Yes, I agree that we ladies can drive a man nut with just talking, especially if it comes to the point where we have repeatedly pointed something out but no response. Does that make it sane to hit me or talk ill about me or my loved ones? He ain’t gonna change so stop expecting the impossibly. If he wants to, he knows where to get help. When he shows you his intentions toward you put down the brush. Don’t paint over the truth because it would mean you are living in a fake fantasy. You deserve better. Its time to live for you.
About the writer Chidubem Sharon
Chidubem Sharon is a lifestyle blog that exposes the experiences and thoughts of the author. This blog is to help everyone who reads and subscribes to it understand that there are quite alot happening around and gives out tips to solving problems