Love Without Jealousy

It is easy to expect people to love us without being jealous but is it that easy to give same in return?

This episode of the TYs Show talks about love and jealousy, asking some of the most important questions while giving workable answers as humanly possible.

Is it possible to love without being jealous?

Does love make one possessive?

Is there room for best friend, of the opposite sex, in relationship?

To what extent can we go to protect the ones we love?

These and many more were answered in this episode. It promises to be mindblowing, hilarious and most especially informative.

Preview Below

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Love Without Jealousy

Handling Attention From The Opposite Sex

Attention from the opposite sex can be very tricky especially when you are in a stable relationship and many have lost what they hold dearly because of how they have managed these flings of attention and throw around care that often starts as harmless.

When does attention start to generate tension?

How should you react to excessive care from the opposite sex?

What can you do to ensure your relationship survive this temporary attention span?

How bad is friends with benefits?

Watch The TYs Show on Selahsgroup YouTube Channel for answers to these questions and lots more.

This talkshow is informative, inspiring, funny and down to heart. You should not miss this.

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Handling Attention From The Opposite Sex


Ladies, we all envision marriage to be a bed of roses with little or no thorns at all. We want a marriage where no one raises his or her voice just to be heard and all the other sweet fantasies. I get it, we do not like anything that could scare us but its no news that marriage is never that way. There will be some disagreements and raising of voices sometimes for stands to be taken. I understand all that but should domestic violence become the new black of marriages? No matter the shade it comes in, it should never be the new black.

Choosing your spouse is the only key choice we get the chance to do by ourselves. We don’t get to choose our parents, siblings, children and if you are or were like me you don’t get to choose the schools you attend. But marriage? That’s a totally different ball game all together. That’s the only decision you make and people around you can only but wish you well in your choosing cause it’s for life, baby!

You do not go around choosing that one special person on the ground that he is dark, tall and handsome or because he is a giver. I’m sure you know what I’m saying. Our new daddy has got to be a reflection of who you want your sons to be and who you want your daughters to end up with. The physical and material are important but thoseunseen traits are more essential to take note of.

No man is going to change when he gets into marriage. Once a boy in his bachelorhood, forever a boy. Don’t expect him to grow up to being a man. It is the responsibility of any reasonable adult to provide, and Tom, Dick and Harry can do that. It only takes a boy to do certain things to his woman. Call your woman certain names and to even take it further to her family, (gosh you have got some really rotten balls there), attempting to raise your hands to land on her body (Mr man please what do you think you are?), eventually getting the impetus to hit her, seeing to it that you can go to bed peacefully when she is out in the cold when you can do something better (I’m not asking you to be her Jack and freeze off in the sea but be compassionate).

Ladies listen carefully, he is nice does not mean he is compassionate. Which man won’t want to be nice to the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with? A man only changes for himself before considering others. I know he would say he realized that he was hurting you and chose to change, the truth is that actually he realized that to get further he needed to adjust himself.

Stop finding expression for his actions. Call a spade a spade. He damn hit/insulted/disrespected you. He meant to. He never hit you mistakenly. You getting him angry is not enough reason to lift his hands on you (if that’s how it is then he should be hitting police officer or military man because they angered him). That’s cowardice! You can frown at that statement men. (I’m in my father’s house, come and beat me).

The fact that your mouth is like that of a spoiled tap that cant stop running, does not give him the right to be inhumane to you. Yes, I agree that we ladies can drive a man nut with just talking, especially if it comes to the point where we have repeatedly pointed something out but no response. Does that make it sane to hit me or talk ill about me or my loved ones? He ain’t gonna change so stop expecting the impossibly. If he wants to, he knows where to get help. When he shows you his intentions toward you put down the brush. Don’t paint over the truth because it would mean you are living in a fake fantasy. You deserve better. Its time to live for you.

About the writer Chidubem Sharon

Chidubem Sharon is a lifestyle blog that exposes the experiences and thoughts of the author. This blog is to help everyone who reads and subscribes to it understand that there are quite alot happening around and gives out tips to solving problems

Read more from Chidubem Sharon


Getting Too Familiar

It is no longer news that men and women are been killed on a daily basis now by the same people they once exchanged marital vows with. Some men abuse, maltreat even rape the same women they once claimed nothing can come between them, same women that are meant to be supportive pillars to them. Some women ignore their husbands, starve them of sexual pleasures and even use words that can kill destiny on the men they sworn to love till their dying days.

These are not end time signs like most other inexplicable things we tie to end time. These are because we take some things for granted and because we forget our position and obligation as a woman or a man. Not to forget that we are at the age of technology abuse, false liberation, wildering morals and religious recklessness.

In the book of Esther, a Queen called Vashti lost her position because she disobey the King’s instruction in the presence of the maids. I am sure, if she had done same thing while alone with the king, the result would have been different. The king never had the plan of having another wife, but the queen’s attitude brought about the second wife.

He is your husband, but don’t get too familiar with him to the point of bringing him down or disrespecting him in the public.

Never get too familiar with him or her to the point of washing his or her dirty linen outside. Neither of you is perfect, but your attitude in correcting the wrong of one another speaks a volume. You correct in love, not for attention or ridiculing.

Wife, you are powerful, more powerful than you will ever know, but please learn to use your power in bringing unity and peace into your home. What binds you together is more than the love you professed, you have exchanged vows and it is for better and for worse; through the good times and the bad times. Those side chicks are taking what belongs to you because they know the key to his heart, just like you used to know but too busy with life to remember. Sometimes to respect him is all you need to make things right, then correct him after he is calm.

Husband, as a man, you hold the key to stop external influence on your home. Never walk out on your home because you think it is her fault, please build trust! When she is wrong, please let your means of correcting her be love, compassion and respect. Those side chicks maybe a temporary solution but for how long? Your home should always come first, should be your priority, the blessings that come with a good home and a happy wife is too much to lose because of temporary gratifications.

Esther became a Queen and all her enemies became a thing of the past because she had someone called Mordecai, she took counsel from. Do you have someone you take counsel from regarding your relationship (I mean Godly counsel)? The best way to see far is to stand on the shoulders of those ahead of you. When they advise based on God’s instruction please take to it, remember, Esther’s blessings were in Mordecai’s instructions to her.

You can join our Relationship Counseling via WhatsApp group by just one click, no questions asked and it is absolutely free.

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Remember, don’t get too familiar that you become disrespectful to your spouse in public or before your children, maids or friends. Don’t get used to him or her that you begin to take him or her for granted. Don’t ignore your spouse’s feelings, their need to express how they feel and to be loved. Happy home is an ongoing process, we never stop being committed, and we keep pressing till we grow old together.

Getting Too Familiar


The only thing you uniquely share with your spouse that you don’t share with anyone else is sex. So sex is the only thing that sets you and your spouse apart from simply being roommates. It’s a vital part of marriage.

Not only does sex set you and your spouse apart from simply being roommates, it also requires a deeper level of communication that you don’t normally do with just anyone. Sex requires you to talk to each other about intimate, emotional things. For example, to have a truly intimate experience with your spouse, you need to tell your spouse where you like to be touched, and make requests for certain things. This requires that you both feel a comfort level with each other that you’ve never felt with anyone else before. It requires both of you to become very vulnerable by asking, receiving and giving sexually. And it requires you to reach a deeper level of trust that your spouse will respond to your requests without judgment.

Sexual intimacy in marriage is sacred, beautiful and good. It is the deepest level of intimacy you and your spouse can share. In fact, ‘making love’ is such an intense bonding experience that the Bible refers to it as “becoming one flesh.”

The truth is, God ordained sexual intercourse as a way to foster unity in marriage. If handled properly, what this means is that sexual intimacy has the power to create intense physical, emotional and spiritual bonds between you and your spouse.

Part of the challenge, however, is that the man and the woman have different attitudes to sex. This is one of the reasons sex is a sore point in some marriages. It is therefore little wonder many couples are more tolerant with their sex lives than they are satisfied.

Although there is no magic number that can tell couples how often they should have sex, it is important for couples to discuss their needs openly with their partners and negotiate a relationship that meets both of their needs. While having sex less than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is generally considered average.

It is also important to understand that lack of enough sex in marriage can have grievous consequences:

When there is a major disconnect in the sex lives of couples, intimacy at all levels tends to drop. Lack of sexual intimacy will further draw couples apart and make it difficult for them to handle other less serious problems.

People in sexless marriages are less happy in their unions and more likely to consider divorce.

It has also been found that infidelity in marriage is sometimes a result of a partner not getting enough sex at home. The partner who is not getting enough is tempted to look outside for his/her sexual needs (although this should never be considered as an option or condoned).question is: If sex is so important, and naturally pleasurable, as indeed it is, why is it that some couples struggle in that aspect of their lives?



a. Fatigue
Fatigue resulting from too much work. If husband and wife work long hours, there is less interest in sex. The demands of work and home rob people of their energy. This is often the case when husband and wife work round the clock to earn good salaries.

b. Routine and boredom
After about five years of marriage issues crop up in the marriage: loans/debts, school fees, frustrations at work, house maintenance and chores etc. Husband and wife settle into a home routine that almost always does not include sex. When they were just married, sex was more frequent. The sex was still great before the children started coming, but when more pressing problems come up, sex goes to the bottom rung of the ladder.

c. Medical condition.
Husband or wife develops a medical condition that could significantly lessen their sex drive, either from the condition itself or from the effects of the medication.
Men especially have this issue with performance problems such as premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction, but women also can have issues such as loss of feeling after childbirth and changes to the female reproductive system that can make sexual intercourse unbearable.


Couples may have unresolved differences that prevent them from enjoying sex together.

Unhealthy attitudes about sex. One spouse may have been raised to think that sex is more of a duty than something to derive pleasure from.


Cultural differences could affect the quality and frequency of sex between mixed-marriage couples.

Deeply-seated psychological problems that make sex impossible. These could be anxiety, fear, or being a rape or incest victim in the past.
Other hindrances to sex in marriage include a job loss, a death in the family, or financial difficulties. Infidelity on the part of one spouse could also lead to the loss of interest in being intimate. Trust issues are also a factor.

Now, a lot of problems can also arise from a terrible sexual history. Some who were sexually abused in childhood become frigid, even when they are married; some become sexually wild and insatiable. Naturally speaking, this can affect people throughout their lifetime. But it shouldn’t. What you should do in such instances is talk to a professional counselor or pastor about it. Most importantly, talk to God, allow His Word heal your mind.
Now, if you are having sex with someone who is not your wife or husband, this is the time to break off that relationship because could destroy your marriage faster. And if your unfaithfulness in the past is constituting a hindrance to your having sexual fulfillment in marriage, then genuinely ask God for forgiveness and move on.

If you are married and your sex life is not as great as it should be, here are some for sexual intimacy.


1. Shun selfishness.
Sex is not just about you, it also about (and I dare say, much more about) your spouse. So get out of that ‘selfish mode’ and begin to place the needs of your spouse above your own.

2. Understand your differences.
God wired the man and the woman differently, so this affects their sexual desires and the way they handle sex generally. Together, you and your spouse can make the best of your differences.

3. Learn to forgive.
Resolve any lingering issues in your relationship that have not been dealt with properly.

4. Keep the fire of romance burning.
Sex is better and more rewarding when the ‘environment’ and accompaniment are right. With your husband or wife, constantly look for and embrace new and exciting ways to make your love and sex lives better and God-honouring.

5. Keep the communication line open.
It has been discovered that couples who talk over their sex lives (as well as other aspects of their marriages) tend to have healthier marriages. So learn to talk things over with your spouse.

6. Make time for rest and relaxation.
Today, many work very hard in pursuit of money and the good things of life, but so readily put off working on their relationships. We must understand that if there is no intimate bond between spouses, all that hard work is ultimately unfulfilling. The loss of our relationship can have deep consequences. So make out time for your spouse—just for relaxation.

7. Constantly pray for opportunities to ‘connect’ with your spouse.
Never neglect prayers in seeking solutions to sexual issues with your spouse. You will be amazed that praying together and ‘breaking bread’ can remove obstacles to sexual intimacy.
Now, God wired us with a sex drive, and this is one of the most powerful forces man can experience.
However, like fire, when it is not contained and controlled, it becomes a damaging and destructive force.
May your sex be a pleasurable, relationship building and edifying experience in your marriage now and always. Amen.

Shared by Kehinde on Relationship Class

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Posted in Author Omotayo, Inspirational Stories, Relationship, Series

Interview With a Player Part 2

Interview With a Player Part 2

This is my interview with a new friend of mine, he used to be a player, a heartbreaker and a chronic womanizer. He agreed to share some of his experiences with me and I hope we can all learn from them as well as from the few notes I took during the interview. You are welcome to the series. 

Previously on interview with a player

Selahsomeone: Welcome back readers, let’s learn as Mr. A continues with his story.

Selahsomeone: So Mr. A, you were dating two sisters under same roof and you were comfortable?

Mr. A: I wasn’t comfortable, no! far from that but I felt like I had all I had ever wanted. Everything was kind of going in my favour. A girlfriend that provided basic necessities (food, money and sex), the little sister that gave love a new meaning to me and I was really doing good at school, I was best in my class at the time. That was like everything a guy could pray for at that level but like I said when I thought it could only get better something bad happened.

Sometimes bad things bring the best comfort, but even with the comfort, it still doesn’t make them right. And when we lose ourselves in the bad, we should be aware that there will always be consequences!

Selahsomeone: I doubt these were answered prayers but anyway, what bad happened?

Mr. A: While Growing up, being the only child of my parents, there were some habits I picked up and one of them was keeping a diary. Then I needed to share my thoughts with someone but because I had no one close enough, I shared them with my diary. So on this faithful day, I went to play snookers with my friends, so I left Miss F and Miss B at home. It was always a nice time with the guys, you learn new tricks, compare notes and share experiences. So often I get so involved that I lose track of time.
So on this day, I came back home late, around 8pm to find Miss F packing her stuffs while Miss B stood there crying. I wanted to ask what the issue was but what I saw shut my mouth. There laid my diary on the desk in the sitting room. I remembered, keeping my diary under the bed, where I was so sure no one would check. But here it was, somehow, Miss F found it and read everything. When I say everything; I mean everything… chasing Miss K, game plan that led me to Miss F, the secret affair with Miss K and my love declaration for Miss B.

Selahsomeone: Wow! This is not funny. That’s why the saying goes, “a thief won’t get lucky every time“.  So what did you do?

Mr. A: As a player, I knew I had to find my way around the scandal and the first thing is to make sure she doesn’t leave. When you allow issue to get out of sight, it often ends up getting out of hands. So I locked the door, pulled her into the bedroom, leaving the sister in the sitting room, then conjured a fool proof scope.

Selahsomeone: By ‘scope’, do you mean lie? 

The trending thing nowadays is to give bad things good names to make us feel less guilty but deep down we have to know it is what it is and even a good name and cool emoji will not change what it is. If it is not right then it is bad!

Mr. A: Well, I would not want to go into the difference between scopes and lies now but then I had to get out the current mess and I had to do it really fast.
As soon as we got inside, I went on my kneels, started crying and began to talk at the same time, so I started my scope, ” Miss F, it is true I wanted Miss K at first but since I set my eyes on you, everything changed for me. You are my life, the reason I think I can beat the odds (appealed to feelings). I know you have read my diary but see every thing you read in my diary were all fantasies, make believes, just a story I write to catch fun. You know I could never share my love for you, not with someone like Miss K, you are better than she could ever be and we both know (playing on her ego). Then Miss B is just like a sister to me, yes I love her like I would love my own sister, that’s what I meant by “I love Miss B” that you read in my diary (word semantics). Believe me Miss F, you are all that matter to me”.
I studied her response, she didn’t utter a word but she was a bit calm now. I was hoping for a much better response though but that she was calm was a step in the right direction. I knew I needed to play a trump card, a kind of reverse psychology should do the trick. So I stood up, looked at her and said, “but you should have trusted me, but then I don’t blame you, it is just because you know I depend on you for everything. Just know this is not fair!” I made sure she saw the tears in my eyes then I went straight to bed. I was 90% sure, I had won her back and I hoped the night will do the remaining 10% for me. So pleased with myself, I slept off.

Selahsomeone: This is unbelievable, you mean you played your way out of that much trouble. Wait! Do these ladies stay in your house and share same room?

Mr. A:  We stayed together at my place, although Miss F had her own place and she only went there when her parents were coming to check on her. Kind of student live-in lovers. And we shared same bed; I sleep in the middle of the two sisters actually.

We make some bad decisions out of love often because we leave our head out of the decision making process. It takes the heart to love but without the head having things in the right perspective, silly decisions can’t be avoided. Giving someone your all can’t make them love you more if they don’t love you before, there can’t be more if there was none in the first place!

Selahsomeone: So what happened the next morning? Did she believe you? Did she stay?

Mr. A: I was 90% sure my scope worked. I slept off only to wake up around 5am, none of the girls were beside me. My heart skipped, this can’t be happening to me.Remember, I told you I came from a struggling home and as at then my entire allowance was about N500 which barely covered my transport. My feeding, spending and provisions were covered by Miss F. In fairness, she gave me all but then even though the way to a man’s heart is his stomach, if the heart is occupied already, feeding him can only get the woman used, and worse if the man has no heart.
I am not trying to exonerate myself or make reasons for what I did but then I also believe women give themselves too much credit. They always have the believe that they can change men, and believe me, with the life I had lived, I can boldly say only God can change man.

Selahsomeone: I agree with you on that. People change only when they are convinced they have to change and not because other people asked them to change. I agree it is only God that can change man. Back to your story, guess she left after you slept?

Mr. A: That was my thought when I woke up but then playing the crying card had never failed a player before or so I thought…

To be continued.

Next on Interview with a player

Posted in Author Omotayo, Digest, Relationship

Premarital Sex… Why Not!?!

Premarital Sex… Why Not!?!

Often times the biggest question asked in relationship is, “is it right to have sex before marriage?” and my answer would always be “why not?”. Religiously, there might be several pointers to otherwise but in truth none actually gave us reasons why it is forbidden…thou shall not defile the bed, thou shall not fornicate etc yes! we get it but why not!?!

Sex is like cravings; similar to your cravings for chocolate, ice cream, alcohol, assorted foods etc and some times we just want to indulge ourselves and satisfy our desires while other times we want to deny ourselves and tell those cravings we are still in control.


I have heard, read and in fact given several reasons why sex before marriage is not a bad idea and the truth is, ladies and guys, most especially, come up with new ones everyday. Some reasons are founded while others are just circumstantial.

Here are some common reasons for premarital sex and my take on them;
* Some guys claim without sex they have this incurable stomachache. This is unfounded, sex has nothing to do with the ache. The stomachache boils from their desire to yield to an addiction. Just like an addict saying he can’t think straight without drugs or a drunk saying he can’t be okay without a bottle… Just excuses the body gives to get what it wants.

* Some guys say, “since we are ‘sure’ we will get married, there is nothing wrong with having sex”. I agree to this but on one condition, if the “sure” is 100%, then why not? But sadly, even people who are engaged are not 100% sure of marriage. So I doubt, if people who still have at least a year before marriage can be really really sure.

* Some ladies say, they don’t want to end up with a man that can’t satisfy their sexual thirst. Again, this is another very excellent point. Sex is an important part of marriage, if you can’t get someone that matches your appetite, it could mean infidelity in marriage. But then, you only know you like one ‘food’ more than another because you have tasted more than one ‘food’. Now let’s say for some reasons you have tasted more than one ‘food’, the dilemma is, no matter what you have and how sweet it is, you will always have that feeling that there is something sweeter out there… and we are back to infidelity.

*Some guys say sex is a proof of love. To this I don’t agree; not everyone we love, we demand sex from. We love our parents and siblings and yet incest has (in normal cases) never crossed our minds. Sex is not a measure of love, not a measure of feelings and definitely not a seal for emotions.

*Some ladies say, “it seems that should hold him down”. This is laughable and I am sure deep down, no smart girl would think that would work, except the target is being a baby mama (that is reigning these days though). Well in case you need to hear it again, “you can’t hold a man down with sex nor can you tie him down with pregnancy!”. He only stays because he wants to.

Pregnancies, STDs, STIs etc no longer qualify as reasons to stay off premarital sex, if you ask me, even adolescents know the importance of sheaths, so I won’t bore you with that but then I still believe giving out one’s body requires a second thought. So, here are reasons why I think it is worth a deep thought and time in decision, before sex is agreed to, premaritally. Like I said I am not against it but I just have my reservations for these reasons, especially from ladies point of view.

1. Insurance Policy: Most times why ladies are so emotional and heart broken after a relationship break-up is because they felt they have been cheated or robbed. To a lady sex is like a gift of trust, while to a guy it is more like handshake. So not giving sex is actually the insurance policy, even if he leaves, you have lost nothing and if he stays you have gained everything.

2. Bragging Right: Men are born to brag and sex happens to fall into one of the things they brag about especially if they are done with the relationship. As a lady, you don’t want to walk pass, when friends of your ex are laughing because that will always make you wonder, if they were laughing at you. But when you know you haven’t been bedded by him, you really don’t care if their laughter turns to laughter-fest.

3. Personal Pride: A man can, at anytime, claim he has never had sex, this is hardly possible for a lady. There is this pride that comes with giving virginity, it makes a lady feels like a queen giving up her royalty for love,  now imagine that feeling on a wedding night…priceless I must say.


Sex is a great act, with lots of medical, emotional, physical and spiritual benefits but the timing must be perfect because it is a gift you cannot take back. No matter what time you decide to share this feeling with someone, be double sure you know what you are doing.

Posted in Author Onome, Relationship, Series

DON’T JUDGE ME (Grand Finale)

DON’T JUDGE ME (Grand finale)

Charles and I were so much in love he became my confidant, I told him all about my past and my family. He told me he didn’t care about my past that what we have is the future and he was willing to go all the way with me. He was my Prince Charming, like the dragon slayer, I found peace with him.


Charles was different from all the other guys, he has some rules though;
He believes people do things intentionally, as such apologizing doesn’t change anything.
He doesn’t believe in forgiveness, he believes “only God has the power to do that”
He believes a woman could be beaten once in a while, in his words “sticks drive away foolishness”
Finally, he believes the man is the head of the family (relationship) hence, his decisions should be final.

I had no serious issues with all his rules; I was so desperate for love and in truth, He was giving me love, I wanted a man to call mine and Charles gave me no reasons to doubt him. He slapped me couple of times, he called it “hard reset”, especially when, according to him, I was being stupid; like talking too much, arguing with him, running late on appointment with him or getting too close to other guys. However, after such actions, he would sit me down make me see why I deserved it and how it was a favour to be corrected, so I don’t get destroyed. I really understood him and I did my best not to walk into “destruction”.

Note: Love is not giving up your happiness, freedom or dreams. Love is meant to enhance and not limit you.

It was over 3months into the relationship, I went to pass the night in his house, this wasn’t the first time and most times when I come like this, we made-out but we always stopped before it got out of hand (I was still a virgin, I had never gone all the way), however this night was different. We were so in the mood and have reached a point of no return, I was a bit reluctant at first but he told me lots sweet things, like; how he’s madly in love with me, since he was going to marry me it’s not a sin, and that I should not worry about getting pregnant he’s got that covered. I knew him to well, arguing with him always end up bad, and in all fairness, I so much wanted to feel it too, so I yielded.

A bit of pain, a bit of fun, I lost my virginity. I didn’t care though, I was in love and that was all that what mattered. It happened few times again and I was no longer getting too comfortable with the idea. I started avoiding sleepovers and he started misbehaving. He stopped calling on a regular basis and when I call he won’t return my call. He became passive and all the passion he showed me ran dry. I was really scared of losing him, I kept wondering what was wrong, so I decided to ask him and he said he had been busy. About some weeks after the charade started, he told me he was no longer interested in the relationship. He said I was a temptation that he had to overcome by leaving me. I begged him but all to no avail, instead he was getting physical with me, so I had to let him be. l was angry with myself, I felt like a fool. Revenge ran through my head, the thought of getting even but I wasn’t raised like that. Eventually I took it in my strides.


Note: Most men will demand sex before marriage, if you as a lady allow it, you will get all the attention but often times it is for a while. However, If you don’t allow it, you might lose all the attention but often times it is for a while. A good man will always come back because he doesn’t need sex to stay in the first place.

I know what you are thinking, “how could she be so stupid?”, I concur! I was stupid, I was naive, I made a great mistake but like I said don’t judge me. I was so desperate because I didn’t want society to start asking obvious questions? I made relationship my first priority and it landed me in series of mess. I found it so hard to forgive myself but I knew I needed a second chance. I had to let go, pick up the pieces of my life and move on. Eventually I was able to, Mercy found me, Grace found me and I made up my mind to be patient until my man comes. I became determined to get the best out of my life. I may have some explaining to do to my future husband but I know if he is the right one, he will understand and forgive me.

Life is not all about candle light dinners, going to eateries and getting the best bouquet every valentine. You need to get a life that attracts the right people. Stop making relationships your reason for existence, rather build a life that will make your future spouse and children proud of you. You might plan to marry a man who has a range rover, has a big company… those are good dream but what are you doing to make that kind of man attracted to you? What value are you bringing to the table?  Stop looking for the perfect man become the better person and attract the right people.

You don’t have to be so desperate about getting a partner, your own spouse will locate you. Why not build up yourself and be someone worth waiting for. Reflect what you think, spend lots of time investing in yourself.

Your own story might even be worse but don’t feel so bad about the past. Forgive yourself and get on with life. You were created for so much more, forget about your mistakes and keep your focus on the bright future ahead. You made mistakes, yes! but every great man has a story. So why cry over spilt milk, when you can get up and get yourself a whole new bottle. Forgive yourself, you deserve a second chance, move on because life is worth it!

I know its valentine and love is in the air, enjoy it but don’t forget to be the best of your kind. Build your self-worth, you don’t have to be so desperate for a date or gifts, tell yourself you deserve so much more! Become a better person every day, if you have found love hold on to it and desire to make your partner proud of you, but if not, I believe there is someone wonderful out there looking for you just make yourself worth the search.

My name is Ebunoluwa, this was my story, it was my past, they are things I have been through, they don’t define me and I hope you would understand and not judge me. Happy valentine!!! Enjoy the season with love. You were created in love so you deserve to be loved.

Written by Omodara Oluwabunmi Onome

Posted in Digest, Inspirational Stories, Relationship

The Best Kept Secret

The Best Kept Secret or The Worst…

I think I can safely say that 95% of  girl child and about 50% of boy child have a common secret they hope the world would never find out, not even their parents, mostly because they are scared of someone or something. I call it the best kept secret or better still the worst kept secret. It is a secret that is tearing them apart from the inside and making them take very rash decisions. They often become vengeful, misogynist or misandrist, suspicious of everyone, lone ranger, they lack self belief, become rebellious, less accommodating and in extreme cases serial killers (watch movie “October 1st” by Kunle Afolayan)

Hmm…. Headlines like these serve as a pointer to this secret…


Image Source: Google
The above tells you this secret is not restricted to a particular country or region and that many bottle it up till they become superstars, celebrity or made before they eventually summon the courage to spill the beans.

What is the fate of those who have been destroyed by this secret? In particular, people who are put in this situation by the same people who should have protected them… Hmm!


Image Source: Google
Lecturers, brothers, sisters, friends, fathers, role models, maids, acclaimed men of God… everyone seems to be guilty one way or another. While many issues are covered up for lack substantial evidence like the case Jackson, Gibson, Cosby, Tyson to mention a few.


Image source: Google
It seems the age of the victim is inconsequential and this could  go on for as long as possible, so long as the victim still keeps it secret.. The best/worst kept secret.


Image Source: Selected Headlines

Some time ago, a young lady shared her experience with me, which she wants me to share, so that everyone can learn from it, especially children and parents.

She said it all started when her cousin (a boy of 14years) came to Lagos to stay with them. She is from a struggling home, their house’s a two bedroom flat, a family of 4…The dad, the mum and her sister… pairing the rooms. So when the cousin moved in, at that time she was just 10years and her sister 8years, her mother insisted that the boy shared the room with the two sisters (like the average Nigerian woman, she wouldn’t want a member of her husband’s family to sleep in the sitting room, that could be termed as maltreatment by other family members).

She told me that she rejected the idea but the mother overruled her objections. The dad was indifferent though but the mother wouldn’t want anything that will cause wahala (problems) with her husband’s family. As the story will play out the young cousin would wake up in the middle of the night fondle the two girls. At first he would pretend to be asleep when they jolt back to consciousness but over time he became bolder, he soon wasn’t bothered if they woke up. She said, when she tried to tell her mum, the mother shouted her down claiming she is wicked and just doesn’t want the boy around while her little sister just seemed to be enjoying the new found night play. She was afraid to confide in anyone as the cousin also kept threatening her.


Image Source: NSPCC website

It however blew open about 1year down the line, the cousin was now about 15years and now more adventurous. She said, On this fateful night, the cousin started off like before, just fondling which by now she was used to but what happened next shocked her. The cousin mounted her and forced his way into her, she tried screaming but the cousin pressed down a pillow over her face, at this point she was scared of death more than she was scared of what the cousin was doing, as she could not breath well.  When he was through there was blood all over, this her sister saw and screamed. The dad and mum rushed down to the room, they could not believe their eyes. The dad almost killed the cousin but that would not right the wrong, she concluded.


Source: Google
James Safechuck unsubstantiated claims against the Legendary Michael Jackson.

It is easy to blame her for not telling someone but in truth what about you and people around you; if it is not happening to you, if it has not happened to you trust me the person next to you is a victim of “the best kept secret”. It may be convenient to conclude that the parents failed to protect their kids but let’s not also forget that it is easy to assume everyone has good intentions when you are just trying to be good. The boy is evil, many young ladies will want to say but not being in his shoes makes it difficult to know what must have led him to that, like I said earlier about 50% of young boys have been molested in their formative stage which makes them become a pervert or insatiable when it comes to sexual activities.


Image source: Event in suburb of Lagos
Above is a 5years old boy being abused by a Togolese maid… Abuse is not limited to girls, a boy child can also be a victim.


Image Source: BBM chat with a lady who was also a victim of Abuse

My Advice
Parents should never trust their kids with anyone, especially overnight or having them in a secluded place. The lady in the chat above told me, she (age 6-9years then) was abused by children of neighbors she was asked to stay with while the parents were not around and also by students of her mum who were often asked to help take her home from school. She became misandrist and vengeful something she is still battling with.

Parents should separate the rooms for their wards, according to their sex as early as possible. On no account should either parent sleep in the room of the opposite sex child, no undressing before them, parental guidance on movies should be strictly adhere to. A young man recounting his ordeal said he was continuously abused by his mother’s maids, these ladies would take turns on him and ended up making him a sex addict.  He eventually became a menace to young girls when he could no longer have the maids to satisfy his ever demanding urge.

When sending your kids on holiday with family or friends, parents should be very careful. This reminds me of a lady who her parents asked her to go and spend her holiday with their Pastor (Now a Bishop and was at the inauguration of Ex.President of Nigeria Obasanjo 1999) This young girl, 15years at the time, became a sex toy for the “man of God” who will leave his own wife on their matrimonial bed at the dead of the night to the room where the lady was. He deflowered her, got her pregnant and aborted for her all before the end of the long vacation. She said, she was terrified as the Pastor made her swear with the Bible to keep the secret. Eventually the wife caught them, begged the family to cover it up, to protect the image of the church.

Finally parents need to teach their kids sex education and body part awareness. From as early as possible, they should know how to sit properly, what part of their body should not be touched and how to behave when they are with or around the opposite sex. Parent should be aware of changes in their children’s behavior and even though the child says it is nothing, parent should still investigate until they are satisfied. Above all, parents should encourage their kids to speak freely with them and freely in public. Parents should not only be custodian of their kids but also their best friend.

Abuse thrives under secrecy, don’t harbour it hoping it will stop or it will just go away, neither should you yield to threats from the perpetrator, no matter how high or low the person is placed or how intimate the person is to  your family. It is not in your own interest to keep it a secret because you are scared of what will happen to the person if people knew. Expose the person, confide in someone that can act and you will be able to breakfree from the clutches of abuse. Once, you see that someone’s conversation is tending towards “weirdness”, distant yourself from the person, often times this is how the perpetrators size up their victims. Stay focus and sharp no one can be trusted.

But if you are already a victim, then you have got to let it out and know IT IS TIME TO LET IT GO , what you have been through doesn’t define you but when you harbor hatred it will limit you.

Don’t let anyone destroy you or your future, you deserve to be happy, let no one take that away from you. Freewill is God’s gift to you, let no one take that choice away from you.