Fix Yourself First aka FYF

I had a privilege of counseling a friend recently, he came to me with such a heavy heart and I was moved to tears after listening to him. He lost his job recently and in less than 2months after that his wife of 5years left the house taking with her their two kids; she moved to another man’s house. He explained that, “losing the job didn’t break him as much as what happened after”, his trusted partner in a moment of trial disappeared.

I have had my own fair share of job loss and what comes after however this was on a whole different level of #@$&# but as much as I shared his pains and heartbreak, I also saw something different from what he was seeing. It was bad that the wife left but seriously at this point in his life, if they had stayed they would have been extra baggage. I couldn’t tell him that though but I saw that first.


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Yes, he was filled with self-pity, that sense of humiliation and betrayal, and to him he needed to fight back and at least get his kids back. I agree, all these are true but what is truer is that when you don’t have means to win a fight, you don’t fight (you don’t go into battle you are sure you can’t win). Yes, he needs to fight but a different battle entirely.

So I had to make him understand that his next move should not be fighting for custody or the wife rather fighting to fix himself first. I let him understand that once he is all fixed, he would be the one trying to decide whether to take the wife with the kids or just the kids back when they all start begging him to come back.

You cannot kill an unwanted tree growing in your backyard by plucking its leaves, you have to pull from the root. The root of his problem isn’t the wife leaving or another man fathering his kids, all these and more are just fallouts of the main problem, which is job loss. Problems are never solved when keep treating the symptoms, you have to fix the root cause.


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Whatever you are passing through what you should really be worried about is fixing yourself first (FYF). When you do that all other things would fall in place.

When you are down people would take advantage of you, people you expect so much from will do things you least expect but your move should not be trying to face them else you create more mess rather you focus on getting back on your feet, FYF.

There is this Yoruba adage that says “when big problem comes, small problems would cease the moment too“. So it is expected, people will talk thrash, friends would avoid you, some family members would stop picking your calls, folks would call you names, and there would be several versions of your story. Your next move is not to set things right by confrontation, no! no matter how painful it is.

Your only move is to fix yourself first, work on getting back to your feet, pull your remaining resources together, even if it means disappearing for a while and once you are back on your feet; the thrash would stop, friends would want to identify with you again, family members would start calling you, folk would give you cool nicknames, and there would only be one version of your story, the one you wrote.

My friend yielded to my advice and he is currently working on himself. I pray God hears his prayers and pull him back on his feet and put smiles on his face again and any other person going through similar challenge. Amen.


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Fix Yourself First – FYF

It Is Perfectly Normal to Be Confused

At 24years I had so many things on my mind, some of my friends were lucky to have had life figured out before 25 but for me I wasn’t that lucky.

I had so many thoughts running through my head. It seems there was more I could do and all at the same time. I remember at a time I wanted to be a radio presenter, even though I read Economics, then I wanted to work for World Bank, I wanted to be a lecture and I also wanted to be a motivational speaker not forgetting I wanted to marry an Indian. All these left me so confused, they seemed mutually exclusive but then something in my head told me I had to be all at the same time.

I remember talking to a mentor then and you know what he told me, he said, “It Is Perfectly Normal to Be Confused at 24 but if I want to succeed I should sort my confusion before 30”

There are basically five (5) Stages of Life from what I have learned and experienced, and here is my breakdown

Age 0 to 18years you have no responsibilities and no real worries, life is sweetest at this time. I often advise folks within this age not to be in a hurry to grow up, as much as possible avoid doing adults’ stuffs. Savor this moment, you may think things are difficult and lots of people are trying to control you but trust me, this is the fun part. Another good news about this stage is, it is when the mistakes you make can be easily corrected with little gaps to fill, if the mistake is not fatal, that is death. So at this stage, please just stay safe!

Age 19 to 30years: at this point you are still trying to do life. I call it Testing waters. You are weighing options, testing your strength, will power, control, capabilities etc. This also applies to all areas of life including relationship. However, the earlier you are able to figure out yourself, define who you are, what you want and act on it, the sooner you are likely to succeed.

Note this, because you didn’t find your feet early enough doesn’t mean you won’t succeed neither does it mean that people who became successful before you would be more successful than you. The rule is “It is better late than never!” So you know what, take your time.


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Life Begins at 30! Gone are the days when life begins at 40, this is jet age and you know what, life really does not wait for anyone. If you have not found your bearing by 30, my friend it is okay if you press the panic button.

Seriously, it calls for prayers, self evaluation, change of approach, redefining what you believe and your whole thought process. Yes dear, press the panic button. Sorry, if it seems I am scaring you but this is the honest truth, the earlier you become forceful in your approach the better, at this stage. If doors won’t open, you might as well break them down. Do whatever it takes legally to change the game.

At age 50, you are already thinking of taking the backseat and watch what you have worked for grow in leaps and bounds. I call this the Time of Reflection, because now you want to look back at what you missed, did wrong or could have done better, though you can hardly make amends but you tend to want to teach it to others so they don’t fall into that same trap.

No matter how successful you get or otherwise, you always have things you could have done better. Some books called this stage “Moment of Regrets”, but I think the word regret is too strong. Definitely there would be regrets but also this would be the time to enjoy the proceeds of all your hard work and fulfill fantasies.

Finally at this point (60years upward), life moves from what you have done for yourself to what you have been able to do for others and that’s why most people at this age are no longer contented with making money, there is a new urge in them which is usually in form of seeking power or will to touch more lives. Some go into politics, seek chieftaincy titles and honorary titles while others become philanthropist and most without means to do the aforementioned tend to become life counselors, critic or preachers that most of you tend to run away from because they have that-man-talks-too-much syndrome.

So you can see It Is Perfectly Normal to Be Confused, it is perfectly normal to have too many ideas pulling you right, left and centre. In fact you would be influenced by what friends are doing and you would be tempted to try what is working for others but here is my true advise “you are different, you are a person of your own and only what you feel comfortable doing would work best for you, if you haven’t discovered that yet then just go for what emphasizes your strength, with either of this you can’t miss it“.


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It Is Perfectly Normal to Be Confused

Peer Pressure

Pressure is one of the leading reasons why people take wrong steps. Pressure can come from anywhere and anything; family, work, friends, enemies etc. When you are under pressure and you give in to that pressure you are most likely to act outside your normal self. However, pressure would not push you unless you give in first.

Recently, I had this conversation with someone who was trying to retrace his steps after losing his job. He said “I lost my job because I stole from my company and this was all because my wife kept comparing us to her friends”. He said the wife kept putting him under pressure, because she wanted their kids to attend expensive schools, use exotic cars and do holiday trips like her friends; it was like they were in a competition. He said but he couldn’t afford all these on his income so he had to start borrowing and when borrowing could not sustain his wife’s lust for expensive lifestyle, he decided to borrow (steal) from office fund. The rest is history.

It was saddening to hear him talk, especially when he explained his background and how hard he struggled to get the job, only for him to lose that same job because he couldn’t manage the pressure around him. Of course we might want to blame him or the wife, but I won’t want to go into that, I will rather leave that to The TYs Show and @onomewrites , however one thing is certain irrespective of who we blame, it still comes to the fact the someone gave in to pressure. An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship.

Now, of all the causes pressure earlier listed and much more, the most “pushy” for youths is the peer pressure, i.e. pressure from people within their age group (I have been there before). This pressure can be direct or indirect and dealing with pressure often depends on the type of pressure and individuals’ mental strength.

Dealing with Peer Pressure

A. Direct Peer Pressure

Direct peer pressure can be explained as peer pressure coming directly from one’s peer; either a friend or an enemy, who is within one’s age group, status, ability or profession. Take for instance, a friend you finished school together with, who is now married asking you when you will get married? That kind of pressure could push one to “unprepared for marriage” and if not careful one will marry the wrong person. Also for instance, because one hasn’t gotten a job yet and one’s close friend who has a job calls one lazy or bullies one with money, one becomes pressured to make money by all means just to prove a point. These are examples of direct peer pressure.

How do you handle it?

1. Give space: Give as much space as possible to the particular person or group of persons putting you under pressure. This doesn’t mean you should not get in touch but ensure it is at arm’s length. It is a negative energy and staying away is the best solution. It is good to get motivated to want more but let the motivation be from within not because someone bullied you.

2. Focus on your big picture: At 25years, it is expected you have a rough idea of what you want and how you want to go about it, don’t lose sight of this. Even if your friends have taken a different route and it is working, if it doesn’t fit into your idea of living don’t do it. Running one’s race on another man’s time would only cause untimely end to one’s race. Focusing on your big picture makes it difficult to be carried away by peer pressure.

3. Don’t try to satisfy anyone at your own expense: You know what, playing the hero is for movies and story books, in reality you don’t put others before yourself. If you keep this in mind when friends pressure you, the first thing you consider is “how does this affect me, my personal plans and my future?”. Then you will be able to make an informed decision.

B. Indirect Peer Pressure

Peer pressure becomes indirect when no one is hipping it on you but yourself. Indirect peer pressure is self inflicted and this is more dangerous. You can easily walk away from a direct peer pressure but an indirect peer pressure requires winning the battle from within. For instance, after a long thought of how other friends and school mates have succeeded, one finally concludes one is the worst and then decides it is suicide time. This isn’t a pressure from anyone, it is just you. Or A man who feels he is too quiet, he wants to be loud and lively like his friends so he turned to hard drugs to get the ginger. Self inflicted peer pressure.

How do you handle it?

1. Pray: As much as I don’t want to sound spiritual in this matter, the spiritual facts cannot be denied. Our thoughts are meant to be guided and the only guide we can get is by screening what we allow in, as simple as words can put this, in practice it is not all that simple. It takes a high-level of spiritual discipline once you realize you are under this kind of pressure. So yes! Pray because that’s all the spiritual I know.

2. Win the mind battle: Indirect peer pressure like I said is more of a mind thing, so you have to win that Battle to have a clear mind. You may have to do affirmations or speak reassuring words to make you keep believing in yourself, because without self believe this battle is already lost. The truth is, others would have what you think you deserve and one could easily be tempted to compare and do the unimaginable but when you believe in yourself and you are ready to trust the process, you would find reasons to wait for your own time.

3. Talk to Someone: A therapist, a mentor, a godfather talk to someone who is older or more experienced when you are caught up with indirect peer pressure, this would save you from ruining your life. In fact, talking to people is not only going to help you with better decisions, it would also help unburdening your soul and spirit. You would also learn from their mistakes in similar situations. Please don’t underestimate how far seeking counsel can help.

Above all, LEARN TO SAY NO! Don’t be too shy to reject what you don’t want. Use the word “NO” as often as it is required. Whether someone is trying to influence you, persuade you or even when it is your thoughts playing tricks on you, let your NO be resounding. When it seems everyone else is heading that way, if it doesn’t work with your plan(s), pull out and let everyone know you have made your choice.

We are who we are and we got here being ourselves. Even if there are reasons to be different, they should be about improving on who we are. We would always have many questions and there would always be lots of options, but we best be wise in choosing. Don’t get pushed, don’t get pressured because when you fall, it is going to be big and it is going to be only you!

Peer Pressure

Posted in Author Onome, Relationship, Series

DON’T JUDGE ME! (Part 2)

DON’T JUDGE ME!  (Part 2)

Note: Anxiety is a good feeling but don’t get yourself lost in it. Too often it takes one’s eye off the goal and puts all good things on hold.

…Peter meant the world to me. One day he dropped a letter in my school locker, saying we should meet after school hours that we need to talk, I was confused and I prayed in my heart that all was well. I could no longer pay attention in class, I just wanted the school to be over, I became very anxious.

We had a meeting spot, so I got there immediately the closing bell rang. Fifteen (15) minutes later, he arrived and he apologized for coming late. He told me he was going to walk me home, a bit hesitant though, so I demanded to know what’s going on. He held my hands gently, locked my eyes in gaze then leaned in and kissed me. I can’t deny the fact that I enjoyed the kiss though something in me, told me it was not right but I was lost in the moment. He reached to unbutton my shirt, when we heard footsteps and we had to pretend as if we were reading.

Note: Love, lust and infatuation are all passion filled, most times it is difficult to draw a line. Little wonder, it is said that if you are not ready for the sexual side of relationship, you have no business being alone with someone you are in love with.

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Behold, the Calvary was our mathematics  teacher, Mr. Davies, he asked us what we were still doing around and we told him we were reading. He was surprised though, as our meeting spot was neither a classroom nor library, it was obvious that whatever was going on, wasn’t reading. With doubt written all over his face, he asked us to pack up and go home immediately, then he left. I picked up my bag and I told Peter I was going but he held my hand back. He looked sad, then he began, “I am sorry that I did that, it was because I love you and you are irresistible”. I told him I love him too but what just happened made me feel so low. In truth, I felt so cheap, I wished I had the right words to explain it but I was just not myself, I felt I deserved more.

By the time I got to school the next day, I met another letter in my locker from Peter, telling me how sorry he was and that he was not going to rush me again. He said he was willing to wait till whenever I was ready. I replied the letter telling him I wasn’t angry, just a  little confused. Our love grew strong and everything was fine until his mum withdrew him from our school. She claimed he was not serious and he was taken to a boarding school.  We couldn’t really communicate like before, afterwards but we always stayed in touch.

I was at home studying on a Friday evening when I got a text message, it was Peter telling me he was around and that he wanted us to see before he went back to school. I was so excited, I called him back almost immediately and we fixed  Saturday afternoon. I lied to my parents that I was going to my best friend’s place to study. I eagerly left for Peter’s house. He was the only one at home and I sat beside him in their sitting room. We talked for a while playing catch up when he leaned in and he kissed me.

Note: Don’t  sell yourself cheap because with all the money in the world you might not be able to buy yourself back.

In a moment of adrenaline rush,  i slapped him and told him never to try that again. Only for me to start feeling guilty a moment later, so I went on my knees and apologized. Then came his outburst, I have never seen that side of him before, he shouted at me, he told me he was only managing me in the first place. He said he had better girls who are more beautiful and are willing to go all the way. That day I felt so stupid, betrayed and used. I left his house went straight to my room and I did what I know how to do best, “wet my pillow”

It was two years after Peter left me, I had dated two other guys in that space, which did not last. I was already in the university studying Microbiology. After my secondary school, my father married another wife and he started maltreating us. He stopped paying our fees, my mother had to take full responsibilities. This made me hate my dad and I transferred the hatred to every other guy I met outside, I just hated men and hated marriage. I felt every guy wanted to hurt me.

Note: You can’t judge everyone with the sins of few neither can you live your life in fear because of what you have been through. Every second is a chance to make the choice for a fresh start.

In my third year in the university I went home for first semester break and that was when I met Josh. Josh and I attended the same secondary school but we weren’t friends then. It all started when I got his friend request on Facebook. We started chatting, before I knew it I was already addicted to chatting with him, soon I longed to hear his voice.  I was in love with him. I told him all about my past relationships, I also told him all about my parents and he promised me he would always be there for me.  It was like a dream come true, I felt loved again.

Josh plays saxophone, so he was always going for shows. My girl friends used to tease me, they told me, “they were jealous and wished they were in my shoes”. I remember telling them “I’m a very lucky girl”. Six months in the relationship, I went home for mid-semester break and I decided to surprise Josh with a visit, you won’t believe what happened.
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To be continued…….

Posted in Author Omotayo, Digest, Inspirational Stories

My Trevo™ Experience

My Trevo™ Experience

“There is greatness in your inside.”

If you have attended any of the Trevo “Business meeting” you would understand the concept of my opening sentence. I share this belief because I strongly believe that everyone is special in his/her own way, of course our being special also means that we are not only unique but we have specialties. A bird can’t do well in the sea neither can a fish flourish on a tree, that’s the concept of uniqueness and speciality.

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Like everyone, I was curious to see what the “Business meeting” was all about plus I was on leave in Akure City, so I guess going out wouldn’t hurt. Got an invitation on request from an amiable lady Bamidele Olubunmi . Considering my usual reservations when it comes to online marketing, networking and referral schemes, as they call it “open mind business”, (Chisom Henry Skillz can attest to this), when I found out this was another of such, I was basically disappointed. However, seeing the excitement in the atmosphere, the enthusiasm exhibited by the teenagers and youth in the hall, I begin to see that after all said and done,  there is a future for my country. Hope that lies in the eyes of these teens that still believe that with hard work, determination and diligence, they can reach the skies held me spell bound.

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I understand how get rich-quick campaign can generate so many disciples but this that I saw was genuine believe. Some of the future leaders actually believe in hard work and results. The trainers (either a pastor this or apostle that and my most admired ‘Adetula the great’) came one after the other talking about the product and the “wonders” it does, the pioneer and his successes (businesses and family) and also about the business side of joining the Trevo wagon,  with testimonies of how millionaires have been made.

I think it is not a bad idea considering good Jobs can’t really make millionaires only entrepreneurial skills can ensure that and that’s what the campaign really stressed.  Even if these youths don’t eventually sign up, they have been taught one thing that will help them throughout life and that is, there is greatness in their inside and they just have to find a way to let it out.

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William Shakespeare said “Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.” but the bottom line is “there is greatness in everyone . (But you have to) look within yourself and discover your greatness.” Lailah Gifty concluded. Don’t underestimate yourself or the potential you carry, don’t be someone with great ideas only, be someone who is willing and able to take bold steps to backup those lofty ideas. We are children of destiny, a fate that is in our own hands.